We talked, and it left me feeling insecure. I just want stability but feel like it’s not for me. At least not now and in the near future. Inner peace is essential when life is chaotic, yet so hard to find in the middle of the mess. It traps you in an endless loop. I don’t know what the coming months will be like for us. I just hope the Universe and the spirits are listening to my prayers and will guide us through this phase.
I made sweet tea for S, but my mind was wandering aimlessly and I accidentally poured coffee into the bottle where I had already dropped the sugar.
I ate bread with condensed milk. So good. Carbs and sugary things are the best combo when I feel heavy.
We went to watch a baseball game tonight. At first, S didn’t want to go, but I wanted to have some fun and memories together. At the same time, I hate the conscious awareness of collecting “fun and memories”, because it feels like a sign that I’m not positive about our future. A quiet fear that these beautiful, peaceful days will go away and never come back. A haunting thought that today might be one of the best we’ll ever get, because tomorrow is unknown, could be even worse. Therefore, I told myself to try to enjoy it now, instead of actually enjoying it.
Will text DR tomorrow. It’s been a while since my last text. Everything feels like it’s falling apart now. But my hands are full already.
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