Woke up late. Actually, woke up at a normal time, but went back to bed and slept a bit longer next to M. Always treasure the moments when I sleep beside my baby.
Fed M breakfast and changed his diaper.
Packed spaghetti and mandarins for S’s lunch.
Folded clothes while M was playing on the floor.
Cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher.
Got so mad at Groot because he chewed up the internet cable. He’s too wild. An internet guy will come over and fix it again.
M took six independent steps several times today. He was so excited when he found out he was able to walk. However, he still prefers crawling. He finds it more convenient and faster.
Did wrist exercises for 10 mins.
Fed M spaghetti, shrimp, kiwi, and yogurt.
Had a lot of stuff in the fridge but didn’t know what to cook for dinner. Took M to Publix. Got back home and served him Panera chicken soup, sourdough bread with avocado oil, and cherries. Since the soup is salty for him, mainly fed him the solid ingredients and a little broth mixed with milk.
S is going to urgent care tomorrow. Was so worried about his ongoing digestive issue. Feel calmer now; hope and pray it’s nothing serious.
9:55 PM: Took a pain pill and cleaned the kitchen. Emptied the dishwasher and loaded it back up.
Fed M breakfast: frittata (egg, potato, cheese, and green onions) and kiwi.
Changed his diaper, and watched him play on the floor. We spent some time in the backyard too.
Prepared lunch for S. I didn’t cook anything; simply packed the leftovers into containers and added some kiwi.
Ran the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen.
Washed my face and got changed before the internet technician came over to fix the cable.
Fed M lunch: buttered shrimp, boiled corn, fried potatoes, and stewed carrots.
Let him play while folding laundry.
Happy about the magnetic board for the fridge I received today—both the price (~$2) and its look. It’s small, but it’s all I need.
We went to the auto repair shop to pick up S’s Honda. When we got back home, I cooked spaghetti for S and fried breaded chicken for M along with corn, stewed carrots, and kiwi.
Stir-fried the remaining chicken and stored it for later.
Emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, then cleaned the kitchen.
S spotted a snake under the deck. I’m scared. Not sure how to keep Groot safe. He spends most of the day in the backyard, so it won’t be safe for him. Don’t know what S is going to do about the snake.
Made coffee, changed M’s diaper, and fed him breakfast: eggs, bananas, and Auntie Anne’s bread. He loves all kinds of bread. This type is a bit too salty for him, so I washed it quickly with water, then microwaved it to soften it up.
Bought a mug, some bar soap, and a Buddhist book as gifts for S on Father’s Day. I was so happy to find the mug; we had literally been looking for it for years since Wawa stopped selling their travel mugs.
Things have changed. People use stainless steel cups now rather than plastic cups, but S is still stubbornly loyal to plastic. It is light and microwavable, which are the features he needs.
There are other plastic mugs available; however, some are too small or have undesirable lids that require you to take them apart to wash them thoroughly. Others aren’t designed for travel or driving because their bottoms don’t fit in the cup holder. So, I’m happy I found this one for S.
Emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the microwave, and wiped the countertop and the fridge.
Watched M play on the floor.
Ordered from Walmart, which took so long to finish because the internet was so slow. I was so sleepy, too.
Cooked tenderloin, NY strip steaks, potato wedges, and salad to celebrate Father’s Day.
Folded clothes and changed the bed sheets. Just because the bed is going to get messed up after one night, it doesn’t mean making it is pointless.
Talked to T; she just returned from a vacation in Europe. That’s wonderful. I’m very impressed by her success after her divorce a few years ago.
The Walmart chatbot assistant is stupid and annoying. It kept saying my missing items weren’t eligible for a refund or replacement. Finally, I connected with a human agent and got a refund. It will take 10 days for the money to appear back in my account, though. I also have to order the items again; once missing items are marked as delivered, Walmart can’t reship them.
We went to the car repair shop to drop off S’s Honda. It will take a few days to get it fixed.
Fed M dinner, gave him a bath, and put him to bed at 8:30 pm. Oh, I forgot—M had gifts for his Dad too: three diapers full of poo poo. 🙂
I need to write something before I go to bed. I want to resume my writing habit—it helps me take care of my mental health. Looking back over the last few months, the only word I can use to describe my life is tight. Just tight. Tight, tight, tight. Most of the time, I feel like a string that’s been pulled to its absolute limit.
I live with fear and anxiety. They don’t show up all the time, but I know they’re always there, just waiting for the right moment to surface. I prayed and placed myself in the care of the universe, the Buddha, the deities and my ancestors. Still… it’s so hard to find peace and balance. Fear and anxiety never really go away. They get triggered so easily, and when they do, they take over. They drain me. They leave me exhausted.
When I think about what happened between them, it hurts so badly inside me—none of them sees it or even cares. I keep all of that pain to myself.
I told myself to focus on my life, to practice more gratitude, compassion, and understanding. I tried to understand why things ended up this way, their decisions, their motives, and tried to accept reality.
But even so, I was still frustrated. When SB tried to manipulate me, when SB tried to fill me with hatred, revenge, and fear, when she believed she had done nothing wrong and chose right and wrong over compassion and love in dealing with the situation, anger boiled inside me. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help feeling furious at such blindness.
I feel her pain, but the way she acts is so destructive and negative. It doesn’t have to be this extreme—it’s just not worth it. I can tell she doesn’t actually want to end this relationship, but what she’s doing leads nowhere and only escalates everything. He thinks she’s playing games, which is why he doesn’t want to get involved. That might be true but she may not even realize she’s doing it. It’s probably just a pattern that she falls into whenever she feels hurt. The situation itself isn’t even that big, yet it’s being treated like something extreme. It feels like bringing a knife to a situation that doesn’t need one—turning something small into something much bigger than it is, and then feeling bitter about the outcome.
In short, everything is black and white to her, so once he’s terrible, he can’t be good in any way.
Time flies. Wars rage. So many people are struggling just to survive. This silence is absurd. Who’s right or wrong in a relationship becomes meaningless.
This week wasn’t dramatic. That’s good. I’m tired from lack of sleep and wrist pain, but M’s 9-month milestones are impressive, and his sleep regression seems to be over. That’s a big relief. Feeding him formula is still challenging, though. I took better care of the house and felt more connected to myself. There were moments of anger, disappointment, and overwhelm — but I guess those are parts of normal life.
Monday, 02/09/2026
Another rough night for both of us. He went to bed at 9:30, woke up at 12:25, 1:48 and 5:31 …I let him cry to see if he could soothe himself but I eventually had to give up because he wouldn’t stop. He finally woke up at 9 am and we headed straight to the pediatric clinic for his 10 am appt. I grabbed 2 jars of pumpkin and chicken so I could feed him when we got there.
The doctor set up a separate appt about his sleep issues on 03/09/2026. Hopefully, his sleep would improve before then.
M’s height and weight are impressive. At 9 months, he is 30 inches tall, 96th percentile, and weighs 20 lbs 6.5 oz, 63rd percentile. At 6 months, he was in the 76th for height and 35th percentile for weight. I’m just so happy. Feeding him is a hard work, sometimes even like a battle, that stresses me out a lot. If I give him just solid food, it’s easy but he needs formula. So, I have to try every day to make sure he gets enough formula/milk.
It’s interesting that the nurse had to measure him again. The first time, he measured 30.5 in inches, looking like he has grown up a lot. The second time he was .5 inches shorter but the nurse said it was more precise.
He’s been sleeping since 12:45 pm after breastfeeding. That means his lunch and dinner time will be late, and so will he sleep time.
Tuesday, 02/10/20226
Yep, another rough night. We went to bed at 9 but he didn’t sleep until 11 pm, then woke up at 1:55, 4:30, and finally at 7:50 am.
…
I’m trying to improve M’s playpen area, which used to be the kitchen nook. Need a new lampshade; and a curtain to hide the mismatched and ugly things in the cube storage organizer. Ordered 2 5/16″ rods and a shower curtain, which I would alternate it to be the organizer’s new “face”. So excited to see the final look. Earlier, I thought about getting doors only for each cube but that wouldn’t be economical. More importantly, it wouldn’t be practical for a place we use often as the doors only attach with double-sided tape. It also won’t be convenient to use inserted bins as because the items are heavy and I move them quite often.
…
Bought two Valentine’s Day cards last weekend but I wasn’t in the mood to mail them. Will do it tomorrow, though they might arrive late.
M continued to wake up several times during the night.
We went to Walmart to pick up groceries and stopped by a thrift store. I was lucky to find a cute piece of decor, a letter “M”, standing for his name. There ‘re so many places it could fit but I’ll probably hang it on one of the walls in his playpen area.
Thursday, 02/12/2026
M had a good night. He woke up at 12:10 am , cried but then soothed himself out back to sleep. He slept straight until 6 am, and slept again after I nursed him. We both didn’t wake up until 9 am, which I know is late, but it’s hard for me to wake up early. Will need to change.
His constipation went away after I actively fed him pumpkin, sweet potatoes with extra formula.
…
My wrists still hurt so bad. I’ve been so stubborn about seeing the doctor, thinking it would go away. It did improve a little, but then got worse. Now, instead of the pain being in my whole hands, it shifts to my thumbs and wrists. Some movements don’t hurt, but the wrong ones are excruciating. I can’t ignore it any longer. Will have to make a Dr.’s appt tomorrow, hopefully it won’t take long to get scheduled. Also, I need to call the orthodontic office for an appt. Don’t know why it’s taking so long even though I made the down payment half a month ago.
…
Whenever I think about this stupid silence, I feel disappointed, angry and hurt. But the only thing I can do is pray and hope they will be awakened by understanding, compassion and forgiveness. My mind has been disturbed by this recently because Valentine’s Day and her birthday are coming up and she should be loved…
Friday, 02/13/2026
M had a great night again. Though he didn’t fall asleep until 10 pm, he slept straight through until 7 am and then nursed back to sleep. I, however, had a bad night. Couldn’t sleep until 3 am. Woke up feeling tired and having a sore throat.
…
Quite happy with the curtain alteration. Only cost around $20 in total, which is barely enough to buy 1.5 bins.
Managed to book a hair appointment though it won’t be until after my birthday. My hair looks awful now. Should’ve done much earlier. That way, I could’ve enjoyed looking better during the holidays — Christmas, New Year, Tet, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday as well — but it’s too late now.
Saturday, 02/14/2026,
M had a great night, which is wonderful. It seems like his sleep regression is over.
S treated me to coffee and breakfast in bed. In the afternoon, we went to two Asian markets to buy some snacks and food for Tet and celebrated Valentine’s Day at a Chinese buffet. Will need to cut M’s hair as well, which will be his first time. And I really want to finish reading the MH book.
M had a crappy sleep again. He’s not eating much either. He’s fine with solid food but breastmilk/formula is still the main source of nutrition until he’s one. I’ve never been confident about my milk supply — always doubt that I have enough, so I try to feed him an extra 4 oz of formula at each feeding, besides the solids. Yes, only 4 oz — the same amount he’s been taking since he was 2.5 months old but it’s a battle most of the time. At 3:26 pm, he only had some breastmilk for lunch and few tbsp of formula mixed into his solid food. That was it.
…
I’m feeling terrible about myself and my situation. (…)
….
Thinking about her, I don’t understand what her silence means. It hurts me soooooo bad. I’m trying to live my life though. Hard. Hard. Hard. I texted her I respect her silence but honestly, this is how I truly feel.
I need to love myself more. For me and for my little M.
…
Sometimes I just tune it out since I’m so tired of the lies and excuses. I know this pattern won’t change.
Finally, this day is ending. It’s not too bad in the end. I managed to tidy up and vacuum the place. M ate well and is sleeping now. Worried a bit that he might wake up early as I didn’t change his diaper like I usually do before his last sub feeding. Don’t know why I didn’t do it this time, then it was too late as he was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up. Anyway, it’s not a big deal.
Friday, 02/06/2026
Tired. I didn’t go to sleep until almost 3 am last night. M kept waking up and when he fell asleep, ready to get back to his bed, Sam cried, waking him up again. So frustrating. I couldn’t help getting mad at him.
Time flies, like the blink of an eye. I haven’t done much but yet been busy all the time. I’ve been trying to manage my time better, though. There weren’t many events in Jan, except a few significant ones: S’s birthday, M’s first crawl and DR having a stroke. Life always comes with both sadness and joy. Oh, one more thing is that I decided to get braces.
During the last few days , I ate poorly, lots of sugar and carbs because they filled my belly quickly and boosted my energy instantly. I ate better yesterday, though: more balanced with oatmeals, cod, strawberries and avocado for dinner.
It snowed heavily yesterday. Luckily we have plenty of food since I ran to grocery stores the day before it snowed though I didn’t expect it to snow that much.
In short, it wasn’t a bad month, especially for my mental health.
Tuesday, 1/27/2025, to do:
• have breakfast (congee, yogurt, vit D, and pizza)
5:33 pm, it’s not easy to be a mother. I felt anger boiling in my stomach when I tried again and again to feed M. He suddenly didn’t want to eat anything else, except breastmilk, which I knew was too little to him. My whole day was a repetition of trying and failing, filled with frustration about the situation and MYSELF. I knew I was frustrated and stubborn but it was too difficult to calm down and let go right in that moment.
He threw up all the little he has just eaten. I didn’t have the energy to battle anymore, just silently clean the mess. I didn’t even bother texting S back after his message that he was on the way home. When he came home, he looked for sth to eat. Nothing ready. In the pantry or the fridge. I felt bad because I knew he had skipped lunch and was hungry. It was the same feeling I had when I thought about her earlier. It’s been a few days since I last texted her. But quickly, I reflected on myself. All I’ve had today was one boiled egg, some sweet potatoes, and instant noodles. I didn’t have the time and the mood to cook a proper meal for myself. And about her, she knows nothing about how much I’ve been through since she decided to be silent. I need to think about myself and take care of myself. I’ve been having such a rough day.
Begin life at forty 