I need to write something before I go to bed. I want to resume my writing habit—it helps me take care of my mental health. Looking back over the last few months, the only word I can use to describe my life is tight. Just tight. Tight, tight, tight. Most of the time, I feel like a string that’s been pulled to its absolute limit.
I live with fear and anxiety. They don’t show up all the time, but I know they’re always there, just waiting for the right moment to surface. I prayed and placed myself in the care of the universe, the Buddha, the deities and my ancestors. Still… it’s so hard to find peace and balance. Fear and anxiety never really go away. They get triggered so easily, and when they do, they take over. They drain me. They leave me exhausted.
When I think about what happened between them, it hurts so badly inside me—none of them sees it or even cares. I keep all of that pain to myself.
I told myself to focus on my life, to practice more gratitude, compassion, and understanding. I tried to understand why things ended up this way, their decisions, their motives, and tried to accept reality.
But even so, I was still frustrated. When SB tried to manipulate me, when SB tried to fill me with hatred, revenge, and fear, when she believed she had done nothing wrong and chose right and wrong over compassion and love in dealing with the situation, anger boiled inside me. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help feeling furious at such blindness.
I feel her pain, but the way she acts is so destructive and negative. It doesn’t have to be this extreme—it’s just not worth it. I can tell she doesn’t actually want to end this relationship, but what she’s doing leads nowhere and only escalates everything. He thinks she’s playing games, which is why he doesn’t want to get involved. That might be true but she may not even realize she’s doing it. It’s probably just a pattern that she falls into whenever she feels hurt. The situation itself isn’t even that big, yet it’s being treated like something extreme. It feels like bringing a knife to a situation that doesn’t need one—turning something small into something much bigger than it is, and then feeling bitter about the outcome.
In short, everything is black and white to her, so once he’s terrible, he can’t be good in any way.
Time flies. Wars rage. So many people are struggling just to survive. This silence is absurd. Who’s right or wrong in a relationship becomes meaningless.
This week wasn’t dramatic. That’s good. I’m tired from lack of sleep and wrist pain, but M’s 9-month milestones are impressive, and his sleep regression seems to be over. That’s a big relief. Feeding him formula is still challenging, though. I took better care of the house and felt more connected to myself. There were moments of anger, disappointment, and overwhelm — but I guess those are parts of normal life.
Monday, 02/09/2026
Another rough night for both of us. He went to bed at 9:30, woke up at 12:25, 1:48 and 5:31 …I let him cry to see if he could soothe himself but I eventually had to give up because he wouldn’t stop. He finally woke up at 9 am and we headed straight to the pediatric clinic for his 10 am appt. I grabbed 2 jars of pumpkin and chicken so I could feed him when we got there.
The doctor set up a separate appt about his sleep issues on 03/09/2026. Hopefully, his sleep would improve before then.
M’s height and weight are impressive. At 9 months, he is 30 inches tall, 96th percentile, and weighs 20 lbs 6.5 oz, 63rd percentile. At 6 months, he was in the 76th for height and 35th percentile for weight. I’m just so happy. Feeding him is a hard work, sometimes even like a battle, that stresses me out a lot. If I give him just solid food, it’s easy but he needs formula. So, I have to try every day to make sure he gets enough formula/milk.
It’s interesting that the nurse had to measure him again. The first time, he measured 30.5 in inches, looking like he has grown up a lot. The second time he was .5 inches shorter but the nurse said it was more precise.
He’s been sleeping since 12:45 pm after breastfeeding. That means his lunch and dinner time will be late, and so will he sleep time.
Tuesday, 02/10/20226
Yep, another rough night. We went to bed at 9 but he didn’t sleep until 11 pm, then woke up at 1:55, 4:30, and finally at 7:50 am.
…
I’m trying to improve M’s playpen area, which used to be the kitchen nook. Need a new lampshade; and a curtain to hide the mismatched and ugly things in the cube storage organizer. Ordered 2 5/16″ rods and a shower curtain, which I would alternate it to be the organizer’s new “face”. So excited to see the final look. Earlier, I thought about getting doors only for each cube but that wouldn’t be economical. More importantly, it wouldn’t be practical for a place we use often as the doors only attach with double-sided tape. It also won’t be convenient to use inserted bins as because the items are heavy and I move them quite often.
…
Bought two Valentine’s Day cards last weekend but I wasn’t in the mood to mail them. Will do it tomorrow, though they might arrive late.
M continued to wake up several times during the night.
We went to Walmart to pick up groceries and stopped by a thrift store. I was lucky to find a cute piece of decor, a letter “M”, standing for his name. There ‘re so many places it could fit but I’ll probably hang it on one of the walls in his playpen area.
Thursday, 02/12/2026
M had a good night. He woke up at 12:10 am , cried but then soothed himself out back to sleep. He slept straight until 6 am, and slept again after I nursed him. We both didn’t wake up until 9 am, which I know is late, but it’s hard for me to wake up early. Will need to change.
His constipation went away after I actively fed him pumpkin, sweet potatoes with extra formula.
…
My wrists still hurt so bad. I’ve been so stubborn about seeing the doctor, thinking it would go away. It did improve a little, but then got worse. Now, instead of the pain being in my whole hands, it shifts to my thumbs and wrists. Some movements don’t hurt, but the wrong ones are excruciating. I can’t ignore it any longer. Will have to make a Dr.’s appt tomorrow, hopefully it won’t take long to get scheduled. Also, I need to call the orthodontic office for an appt. Don’t know why it’s taking so long even though I made the down payment half a month ago.
…
Whenever I think about this stupid silence, I feel disappointed, angry and hurt. But the only thing I can do is pray and hope they will be awakened by understanding, compassion and forgiveness. My mind has been disturbed by this recently because Valentine’s Day and her birthday are coming up and she should be loved…
Friday, 02/13/2026
M had a great night again. Though he didn’t fall asleep until 10 pm, he slept straight through until 7 am and then nursed back to sleep. I, however, had a bad night. Couldn’t sleep until 3 am. Woke up feeling tired and having a sore throat.
…
Quite happy with the curtain alteration. Only cost around $20 in total, which is barely enough to buy 1.5 bins.
Managed to book a hair appointment though it won’t be until after my birthday. My hair looks awful now. Should’ve done much earlier. That way, I could’ve enjoyed looking better during the holidays — Christmas, New Year, Tet, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday as well — but it’s too late now.
Saturday, 02/14/2026,
M had a great night, which is wonderful. It seems like his sleep regression is over.
S treated me to coffee and breakfast in bed. In the afternoon, we went to two Asian markets to buy some snacks and food for Tet and celebrated Valentine’s Day at a Chinese buffet. Will need to cut M’s hair as well, which will be his first time. And I really want to finish reading the MH book.
M had a crappy sleep again. He’s not eating much either. He’s fine with solid food but breastmilk/formula is still the main source of nutrition until he’s one. I’ve never been confident about my milk supply — always doubt that I have enough, so I try to feed him an extra 4 oz of formula at each feeding, besides the solids. Yes, only 4 oz — the same amount he’s been taking since he was 2.5 months old but it’s a battle most of the time. At 3:26 pm, he only had some breastmilk for lunch and few tbsp of formula mixed into his solid food. That was it.
…
I’m feeling terrible about myself and my situation. (…)
….
Thinking about her, I don’t understand what her silence means. It hurts me soooooo bad. I’m trying to live my life though. Hard. Hard. Hard. I texted her I respect her silence but honestly, this is how I truly feel.
I need to love myself more. For me and for my little M.
…
Sometimes I just tune it out since I’m so tired of the lies and excuses. I know this pattern won’t change.
Finally, this day is ending. It’s not too bad in the end. I managed to tidy up and vacuum the place. M ate well and is sleeping now. Worried a bit that he might wake up early as I didn’t change his diaper like I usually do before his last sub feeding. Don’t know why I didn’t do it this time, then it was too late as he was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up. Anyway, it’s not a big deal.
Friday, 02/06/2026
Tired. I didn’t go to sleep until almost 3 am last night. M kept waking up and when he fell asleep, ready to get back to his bed, Sam cried, waking him up again. So frustrating. I couldn’t help getting mad at him.
Time flies, like the blink of an eye. I haven’t done much but yet been busy all the time. I’ve been trying to manage my time better, though. There weren’t many events in Jan, except a few significant ones: S’s birthday, M’s first crawl and DR having a stroke. Life always comes with both sadness and joy. Oh, one more thing is that I decided to get braces.
During the last few days , I ate poorly, lots of sugar and carbs because they filled my belly quickly and boosted my energy instantly. I ate better yesterday, though: more balanced with oatmeals, cod, strawberries and avocado for dinner.
It snowed heavily yesterday. Luckily we have plenty of food since I ran to grocery stores the day before it snowed though I didn’t expect it to snow that much.
In short, it wasn’t a bad month, especially for my mental health.
Tuesday, 1/27/2025, to do:
• have breakfast (congee, yogurt, vit D, and pizza)
5:33 pm, it’s not easy to be a mother. I felt anger boiling in my stomach when I tried again and again to feed M. He suddenly didn’t want to eat anything else, except breastmilk, which I knew was too little to him. My whole day was a repetition of trying and failing, filled with frustration about the situation and MYSELF. I knew I was frustrated and stubborn but it was too difficult to calm down and let go right in that moment.
He threw up all the little he has just eaten. I didn’t have the energy to battle anymore, just silently clean the mess. I didn’t even bother texting S back after his message that he was on the way home. When he came home, he looked for sth to eat. Nothing ready. In the pantry or the fridge. I felt bad because I knew he had skipped lunch and was hungry. It was the same feeling I had when I thought about her earlier. It’s been a few days since I last texted her. But quickly, I reflected on myself. All I’ve had today was one boiled egg, some sweet potatoes, and instant noodles. I didn’t have the time and the mood to cook a proper meal for myself. And about her, she knows nothing about how much I’ve been through since she decided to be silent. I need to think about myself and take care of myself. I’ve been having such a rough day.
At week 34 of the pregnancy, we felt pretty confident. We had gathered most of the essentials for our baby, including the nursery furniture and decorations, and we thought there was still plenty of time to put everything together. However, things didn’t go as planned. I ended up delivering at week 37—three weeks earlier than scheduled. With only two days left to prepare, our schedule was thrown off, and S had to rush to get the nursery ready before our little one came home.
One of the first things we had done earlier was painting the room. S got started quite early, before week 34. He didn’t just give it a quick coat of paint—he filled every tiny nail hole, repaired cracks, sanded everything smooth, and then carefully painted the walls, trims, and baseboards. It was a lot of work, but the results were beautiful, giving the room a fresh, clean feel. And he didn’t stop at just the nursery; he decided to paint the whole house. This wasn’t part of our original plan and ended up taking much more time, which delayed the assembly and decoration of the nursery.
During that time, I worked on the curtains I ordered online. Cost only around $15 for 2 pieces, I could tell they were thin and flimsy, but I chose them for their bold, playful prints. To improve them, I added a blackout layer, which not only blocked the sunlight but also added more weight and since it’s longer than the curtains, it helped extend their length. This method saved me a lot of time since I didn’t have to buy extra curtains, cut them & sew extra pieces onto the bottom. A simple fix ended up as a design feature, and I was happy with how the curtains turned out.
It’s interesting that at first, I loved how vibrant they looked, but as the rest of the room came together, I realized I was instinctively moving toward a calmer, softer vibe. The curtains feel a little too sharp compared to the rest of the room, but it’s an easy fix. I can add a sheer layer to soften them or use some “bridge colors” to help the bold tones flow more smoothly with the softer ones. Or maybe all I need is just a little time to get used to this new color mix.
Since the main color of the room is creamy white, (…) , with late blue as a secondary color and sunny yellow and bright red as accent tones, we chose a rug that picks up some of these colors and features an abstract pattern, reminding me of clouds, or moonlight on the water. At first, I hesitates a little bit to get the rug because I was afraid its pattern might clash with the curtains’. But it looks so cool that I decided to go for it, especially with S’s encouragement. I especially love the rug’s round shape, which softens the boxy corners of the room and furniture.
One of my favorite purchases was a bookshelf lamp. Instead of a traditional bookshelf, I wanted something space-saving functional, which I found in that lamp. I’m usually a bit nervous buying furniture that’s less than my price range for something like this because it can look worse than in the photos. I didn’t expect it to feel fancy or luxurious, just that it wouldn’t look cheap. Happy to say I’m not disappointed. I got it for $50 after a “50% off” discount. Anyway, the discount is a joke. You can find the same lamp on Amazon for the same price without any discount. I got mine on Wayfair, fyi.
Currently, it serves several purposes: Lighting, storing books, and decoration. However, once M starts crawling and walking, I’ll probably have to move it elsewhere since the sharp corners of the shelves could be dangerous if he bumps into them.
If I had to pick the most functional item in the nursery, it would be the diaper trash can. It locks in all the odors and holds a lot, which makes such a difference once you realize how many diapers you go through in a day. They would stink if left in a regular trash can, and you’d be exhausted taking the trash out after every single change. I didn’t even think of buying one when I made a shopping list, but S got it—he’s always careful about sanitization.
Beyond the practical stuff, the sentimental details are what make the nursery feel special. We framed M’s newborn footprints together with a birthday card to create a keepsake. We also displayed a tiny pair of shoes that S wore when he was one year old—carefully kept by MK all these years. MK made & gifted us a colorful painting of animals, which adds playful energy to the room, and then there’s the lamp — a family heirloom passed down from M’s great-great-great-grandmother. These pieces bring history, love, and personality into the space.
There are still a few things I’d like to do—such as adding sheer curtains, putting a rug under the rocking chair, or refreshing it with a fabric cover , but I don’t feel in a rush. For now, the nursery is beautiful, functional, and filled with meaning—a love-filled space for our baby.
I usually order Purina Fancy Feast Seafood Grilled Collection from Walmart — always shipped and sold by Walmart directly. Last time I ordered, the website showed the product with the same image and said I’d bought it 5+ times. So I just added into the cart without thinking, didn’t even check the price, because I trusted it was the same one I always get — from Walmart, with a fair price. I thought it would arrive the next day, but after placing the order, it said it would take longer. I was disappointed, but I let it go — maybe I had just missed the information.
Then today, two days after ordering, an Amazon box showed up. I didn’t open it — thinking it was my husband’s, since he orders from Amazon constantly. But surprise! When he opened it, it was the cat food I had ordered from Walmart. My husband found a receipt inside the Amazon box showing the item cost half of what I paid on Walmart. It’s obvious that the third-party seller on Walmart bought it from Amazon and just had it shipped straight to me — and charged me double.
The website was really misleading. It showed that I had bought the product before, which made me assume it was the same one I always order, sold and shipped by Walmart.
What’s even more frustrating is that the product I received wasn’t even the right one. I ordered the Grilled Collection, but they sent me the Pate — which my cat dislikes the most.
Lesson learned — next time I order from Walmart, I’ll be more careful and double-check the seller before clicking buy.
We had somehow prepared ourselves for a childless life, though we have 3 day-3 embryos — the fragile result of all the effort we could afford through the painful IVF journey. But after so many repeated failures, I became too vulnerable to hold onto hope.
But then …
Shortly after I returned to the US, I couldn’t name what I was feeling when I saw this:
It was the first time in my life I’d ever taken a pregnancy test.
And it was NATURAL.
S was overjoyed. But he couldn’t be like the other dads who cried when they first heard they were going to have a baby. He used onions to help.
Our baby’s first scan image — 10w3d.
It was a boy, revealed at 12w3d.
11/30/25, 14w1d
Christmas 2024, 17w4d
2/18/25, baby’s face at 25w4d
My happiest, most meaningful birthday ever, with a little soul growing inside me.
03/07/25, 28 wks
04/05/24, Grandma MK and Aunt M were preparing for the baby shower. ♥️♥️♥️
Aunt K and her family took charge of the event. ♥️♥️♥️
So many gifts for M, filled with love, excitement, hope and best wishes. Truly appreciated it all.
……
I was diagnosed with cholestasis, a rare pregnancy condition that can cause stillbirth or reduced oxygen supply for unborn babies. The doctor said I would need to deliver at 37 wks, by C-section as our baby was breech. ….
He was born at 8:03 AM, 6 lbs, 19.7 inches, at 8:03 AM. The moment the doctor lifted him up so I could catch a glimpse of him behind the fabric panel that separated my eyes from the surgery, along with his cry echoing through the room, I couldn’t help but burst into tears. They came after long days of my waiting and longing for the union between us.
My big love,
Thank you so much for your presence in our lives — Everyone is excited to meet you. I’d waited so long for the moment I could finally touch you, smell you, hold you, and kiss you. B asked me , “Do you feel joy?” I replied, “I feel peace.” When you were in my arms, peace was the first thing I felt, and it has stayed with me ever since . It’s hard to explain, but at my age, after all, peace means more to me than anything else. When peace is present, it flows through me like a quiet creek — fresh, gentle, and steady. When it’s there, it showers me with joy and gives me the motivation to live more meaningfully.I’ll try to be your good mom.
Begin life at forty 