I ordered an abstract painting. It’s not really packed with details. Basically, the painting depicts a small, glossy, red ball-shaped thing as the focal point, near the center of the canvas, flanked by two huge, brownish-red cylindrical shapes in the bottom half. The top half of the painting is just a yellowish brown background of various shades, which bring to mind the warm colors of sunset or the subtle textures of a wall. There’s no action happening in the painting, giving a serene and static atmosphere, allowing viewers to have their own thoughts and feelings without interruptions. The painting’s warm tone with earthy muted colors added its calming effect.
When I first saw the painting, I could relate to it right away. My first impression was that of being stuck. The red object, which looked like a cherry, was being wedged between the two giant stone pillars with no way out. Like the cherry, I felt trapped between my reality and my desires. But the painting doesn’t give a pessimistic or hopeless feeling as the cherry is still shiny and round and hasn’t been messed up by the stones. The cherry is on top of the cleft, not in the bottom, so it’s not all bad. Furthermore, the painting’s yellow and red undertones don’t make it look muddy, dull, heavy or distressed. I saw myself in the cherry, feeling stuck and still didn’t know how to escape but at the same time it was like I was taking a break and letting things be.
Whenever I looked at the painting, I always pondered how the cherry could get out of it until one day when S and I talked about it. He thought it was not the cherry but a marble and the giant pillar-looking objects were 2 loaves of bread. How amazing! Marble and bread – they have nothing in common but his imagination was incredibly boundless. It reflected his unconstrained freedom and warrior spirit in his mind. There are challenges but they’re not true obstacles. What can stop a marble in its way when all hindrances are just loaves of bread.
My first half of February wasn’t too bad. I was content with my life. I felt balanced and enjoyed the present. This was a rare feeling for me, so I profoundly cherished the moments my mind was able to be with S, Dozer and Sam, instead of feeling overwhelmed most of the time. We went to the park, worked around the house. S took me to a Vietnamese store where I could buy my favorite foods. We also went to a thrift store and a human habitat store where I found intriguing books for only 25 cents each. I got 10 books in total, knowing it would take me a while to read them all but their quality and prices are just so amazing. Then, we went to a nursery garden and bought 5 pots of pink azaleas and 2 Mediterranean palm trees. I went to Home Depot after that and got 6 pots of ground cover foliage. The leaves are beautiful with earthy brownish red and enigmatic dark purple.
Over the weekend, S and I did a personality test. The results showed he was an introvert which is no surprise and I was an entertainer. How laughable! I’ve never thought of myself as an entertainer and doubt I ever will.
February is my birthday month. My MK sent me a card earlier and a few weeks later she sent me another one to remind me “how much I love you.” DR sent me a card early and several packages but I was told not to open them until my birthday. I feel so thankful and indebted because of their love and care.
Wed, 2/22/23 – Distress
I had ultrasound and blood tests at 7:15 am. While waiting for the results, I went to Lowe’s to keep my mind off them. I got 5 Fashion Azaleas there. I went home at 2 pm and the nurse still hadn’t yet called me. My worries and anxiety started to grow, prompting me to call S and later I browsed the Internet to divert my attention. My fear intensified when I thought about D. She had to cancel her treatment on day 5 due to poor follicle growth and they also hadn’t called her until late afternoon. The fear that I would end up like her caused me to cry. At that time, the nurse finally called and told me to continue taking medications, which made me feel so much relieved.
Fri, 2/24/23 – Rabbit hole
I went down again the rabbit hole of anxiety, nervousness and lack of confidence. When I was self-loathing, it was like I was rotten inside. It consumed me and drained me, leaving me feeling powerless and negative. But I knew the reason for my distress. Fortunately, I started to feel better. Realizing that my self-confidence had returned was truly wonderful.
Sat, 2/25/23 – Sometimes sadness is beautiful
I was feeling melancholic but this sadness was beautiful as I could enjoy my alone time in my serene favorite spot. I could hear the rustling of the leaves and the birds chirping at each other, all while listening to the gentle sound of the wind blowing. I could also hear the occasional sounds of vehicles passing by on the road but they were distant enough not to bother me. I felt like I was still part of human life while being comfortably in my own little oasis.
Sun, 2/26/23 – Stay calm
Despite the mess, chaos, and lack of control in my surroundings, I still find myself content as I’m grounded. My inner-self stays calm and centered amidst the confusion and turmoil.
I was more nervous and cautious during Round 3 since it was my last chance to do IVF here. Also, I was worried if I could even start Round 3 because I got an ovary cyst during the stimulation phase of Round 2. Fortunately, the baseline ultrasound and blood tests showed that I was good to go. The ultrasound technician told me that my right ovary had 12 or 14 follicles (I didn’t bother remembering the exact number or asking my nurse for the precise count). I was trying to relax this time and avoided stressing myself out with too much information. I just did what the nurse told me to do. Basically, here is how Round 3 went for me:
Sun, 01/15/23: Started BCPs – I hated BCPs. I told my RE at the post-retrieval visit of the last Round that I preferred not to be on BCPs, especially for a long time considering my age. Despite this, I still had been on BCPs for 31 days.
Wed, 02/14/23: Stopped BCPs
Fri, 02/17/23: Baseline ultrasound and blood tests: 12 or 14 follicles on the right ovary
Sat, 02/18/23: Day 1 of stims: Took 300 IUs of Gonal F, 150 IUs of Menopur and 100 mg of Clomid (PM)
Sun, 02/19/23: Day 2: Same dosages (PM)
Mon, 02/20/23: Day 3: Same dosages (PM)
Tue, 02/21/23: Day 4: Same dosages (PM)
Wed, 02/22/23: Day 5
– Ultrasound and blood tests: only 4 follicles grew, one of them was dominant (15 mm): Disappointing
– Same dosages and 0.25 Cetrotide – ovulation suppress drug (PM)
Thur, 02/23/23: Day 6: 300 Gonal F and 0.25 Cetrotide (AM) and 150 Menopur (PM)
Fri, 02/24/23: Day 7: Same dosages as Day 6
– Ultrasound and blood tests: Still only 4 follicles measurable (3 on the right ovary – 19.5, 14.3 and 12.8 mm and one on the left – 10 mm): Disappointing and considered canceling the treatment. Emailed the nurse and the financial counselor asking about the potential cancelation and whether this would be counted as Round 3 or not. If not, how much more we would have to pay to continue Round 3.
Sat, 02/25/23: Day 8: 300 Gonal F and 0.25 Cetrotide (AM)
– Ultrasound and blood tests: Again, still 4 follicles (3 on the right ovary – 21mm, 16.8, 13.2 mm and one on the left – 11.1mm). At first, the largest one was thought to be a cyst. The nurse later clarified that it was a follicle. The nurse also assured me that they could still do the retrieval with just two follicles but my RE supported my decision to cancel if that’s what I wanted.
We canceled the treatment. I was disappointed when no one from the IVF team had suggested that I should cancel when I only had 2 or 3 follicles until I asked them. If I hadn’t mentioned this to the nurse, I would have had another bad retrieval again and lost Round 3 without the chance to try a different protocol to increase the number of follicles.
Looking back, I wish I had canceled my retrieval in Round 2 as well. Doing so would’ve saved me so much emotional, physical and financial pain. My Rounds 2 and 3 were quite similar. Like Round 2, I hadn’t yet started the period when I began Round 3, and had been on BCPs for a long time. Also, I had the same number of follicles with similar sizes as in Round 2. At the time, I didn’t think of canceling the retrieval in Round 2 as I trusted my RE’s instructions completely.
Since I canceled the treatment, I have some drugs left over but I can still use them for my next cycle. My friend, D, wasn’t that lucky. Her treatment was canceled on day 5 of stims and it was her last attempt after the 2 failed cycles. She spent a lot of money on the unused meds. If she had been advised not to buy the meds for the whole cycle from the beginning, she would’ve saved a lot of money. I was grateful when she offered to give me the unused meds for free. However, I still haven’t got them yet as my car is currently broken and I’m not sure if S is willing to drive me for 2 hrs to get the drugs that we may not use since the protocol for my next cycle might be different.
Throughout my IVF journey, I haven’t got enough guidance with the team. While my nurse and RE were polite and professional, I didn’t feel much support or care from them – it’s probably how a clinic works. However, I really like the ultrasound technician. She took the time to answer my questions and explain things to me carefully. I didn’t feel rushed when talking to her and felt a human connection between us. I also like a nurse (not mine) who helped me extract leftover drug fluid, and she did it with great care. She placed a note with my name on my drug box and another note inside to let me know which syringe didn’t have enough dosage. Overall, the clinic’s atmosphere was nice and supportive, but I received all my instructions only from the nurse over the phone. I didn’t talk directly with my ER. I only met her during consultation visits before starting the treatment, and since then, everything was through my nurse. Also, my ER didn’t retrieve my eggs – a different doctor did. Once you sign a multiple cycle package, you will be immediately put into the next cycle after a failed cycle without an appointment with the RE to understand what goes wrong and what new protocol will be applied unless you ask. This has happened to me in my first 2 Rounds. In short, I didn’t feel the ER’s presence during my treatment.
But I don’t intend to switch clinics. There are only 2 in my area, and starting treatment at a new one would take months, or even over half a year. I’ll try one more time at this clinic and if it doesn’t work, I’ll continue seeking the opportunity in VN where I believe there are more resources to support me.
I don’t choose to be lonely but I accept it as a part of my life.
My loneliness is not because I’m physically alone. I have a tight-knit small circle of my family and friends who are always there for me, listening, caring, encouraging, supporting, understanding and sharing great times with me. Though I have these wonderful people in my life, no one, even my man makes me feel connected heart and soul. There’s always a piece of myself feeling isolated.
I’m glad for those who are able to find a fulfilling connection with their family, children or friends. But being incompletely connected with anyone is not necessarily a tragic thing. Maybe I was born to be lonely as my fate is to be only bonded with myself. But honestly, I accept loneliness because I understand it’s not easy to meet someone on this chosen solitary path. If I had chosen a different route, my life would probably be more fun and joyful. Unfortunately, I couldn’t persuade myself to give up and take an easier life.
January was a real tough month for me. I realized that I hate the weather this time of the year around here. It was cloudy and cold, and I barely saw the sun. Everything looked gloomy and dreary, which only added to my already feelings.
Sat, 1/14/23 – Loneliness
I don’t choose to be lonely but I accept it as a part of my life.
My loneliness is not because I’m physically alone. I have a tight-knit small circle of my family and friends who are always there for me, listening, caring, encouraging, supporting, understanding and sharing great times with me. Though I have these wonderful people in my life, no one, even my man makes me feel connected heart and soul. There’s always a piece of myself feeling isolated.
I’m glad for those who are able to find a fulfilling connection with their family, children or friends. But being incompletely connected with anyone is not necessarily a tragic thing. Maybe I was born to be lonely as my fate is to be only bonded with myself. But honestly, I accept loneliness because I understand it’s not easy to meet someone on this chosen solitary path. If I had chosen a different route, my life would probably be more fun and joyful. Unfortunately, I couldn’t persuade myself to give up and take an easier life.
Fri, 1/20/23 – Fat removal injection
S bought a set of syringes and drugs on Amazon so he could inject himself in order to “permanently” get rid of the fat under his chin. I don’t believe using unnatural measures to improve one’s appearance is healthy.” I’m concerned about the long-term safety and the possibility that he would become dependent on it forever. Also, I’m wondering if it has any possible impact on male fertility.
Sat, 1/21/23 – Ending a social connection
I met her at an art course and she was very nice. We started texting occasionally and hung out for coffee a few times. We talked for hours, shared personal stories and laughs and I expected a friendship between us. Later, I dropped the course and we lost touch for a while. Then, a few months afterwards, I reached out to her and we started catching up again. But our connection was pretty on and off. One time, I called her but she didn’t answer, which was understandable since not everyone is available for an unexpected call. I left her a message explaining that I was feeling down and wanted to talk. She texted me back, saying she was busy at the moment but would text me the next day to arrange a meetup with me and she said she loved to “lift my spirits up”. But it has been almost a month and I still haven’t received her text. I have tried to reach her twice when I needed her which I think is enough and I won’t bother her any more. The silence between us is an end for our acquaintanceship. She is still a sweet and friendly person though.
Tue, 1/24/23 – Zero copay policy
I received a medical bill for my recent doctor visit which I didn’t think I had to pay as I have a zero copay insurance policy. Questioned this with an insurance advocate, I was explained that the bill was for an “office visit”, not an annual checkup, which is eligible for zero copay. Annual check-ups are usually with a primary care physician, not a specialist like the one I saw.
Wed, 1/25/23 – Stock loss
A guy I know has lost a ton of money – $250k to be exact. Unfortunately, a large chunk of that was his parents’ savings they had given him to deposit it in a bank for interest. However, he went all-in on stocks and ended up losing everything. There’s even a rumor that he owes money to his company. It’s crazy, I feel so bad for him and his family because $250k is a real fortune for them. I hope this will be a tough lesson for him on controlling his impulses and he won’t never make this mistake again.
Thur, 1/26/23 – Missing yoga card
I’ve been looking everywhere but I can’t find one missing yoga card. How disappointing! I like the set of yoga cards a lot. It is a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law and I use it almost everyday when I practice yoga. The set has three options for practice: relaxation, mobility and energy. Each one has a series of poses and each pose is illustrated in one card that is numbered and easy to follow. It also tells you the level of complexity for each pose, from basic to advanced. Though I remember what the pose is in the missing card, I am still upset because I really love this set.
Since I moved to the US, S and I have established a tradition of celebrating Lunar New Year’s Eve on a video call with my family in Vietnam.
At the special moment marking the transition of time from one year to the next, we said “Chúc Mừng Năm Mới!” which means “Happy New Year!” and felt honored to receive the wishes for good health and happiness from my parents. We in turn gave them the same wishes. Though I’ve been hearing the same greetings and wishes for Tet (Vietnamese name for Lunar New Year) since I was young, they are always special to me because they come from my parents. And even the enthusiasm and joy in their tone of voice and expression, not just the words themselves, make their wishes more special.
The most exciting part of the call was when my Mom showed us what she had prepared for Tet from decorations, foods to snacks. This year, she had a big kumquat tree that was full of leaves and fruit and a bunch of vases with purple larkspurs and sword lilies which are typical flowers for Tet. The vases looked great but they were missing dahlias – my favorite flower from my childhood. My Mom said she didn’t get them as they don’t last very long. This issue can be fixed easily in the US as flower stores commonly sell flowers with nutrition packs which keep them fresh for a week without even changing the water. However, fresh flowers in the US can’t ever be as healthy and vibrant as the ones in VN, as they are sold at markets in the morning, as early as at 4 a.m. right after they are picked.
Then she showed us the peach blossoms. Unlike every other year, this year was the first time my parents bought the whole tree instead of a branch. And it was also the first time, the flowers were soft pink instead of the usual red. I prefer red blossoms, probably because they hold sentimental value for me and remind me of my memories of Tet. Peach blossoms and a kumquat tree are essential decorations for Tet in the Northern and Central regions, while in the South, yellow apricot blossoms are used instead of peach blossoms. Without them, the Tet atmosphere isn’t complete.
Next, she showed us small trays of snacks which were already set out on the table for the Eve celebration and for guests and relatives when they come over during Tet. Then, my Mom walked into the dining room and showed us her fridge fully packed with food. She had “Giò Bò” (a type of beef ham), “Giò Lụa” (a type of pork ham) and “Giò Tai” (a type of sausage made from pork ears and black fungus), “Nem chua” (I call it “Vietnamese Salami” due to the similarity in fermented meat texture), buffalo jerky and beef jerky, and all kinds of other delicious foods that I couldn’t remember the names of. She also showed us boxes of grapefruits that she complained were too many but no one but her ate. The food tour kept going when she showed us the foods and fruits on the altar. I saw “Bánh Chưng” (square-shaped boiled sticky rice filled with green beans and pork) and “Xôi chè” (a sweet sticky rice dish cooked with concentrated ginger juice). In my memory, “Giò Lụa, “Giò Tai ” and “Bánh Chưng” are traditional foods that we always have on Tet, and “Xôi Chè” is my paternal grandmother’s favorite dish. Since she passed away a long time ago, we never forget to offer her that dish on the altar on Tet.
Growing up, I always thought Tet was so boring, repetitive and “too much work”. I would try to be away from the family’s activities whenever I could so that I could stay in my own space. I knew that this had upset my Dad a lot but I had reasons for not actively participating in the event with my family.
Anyway, now that I’ve been living in the U.S. for an extended period, I really want to be a part of the festival, experiencing flowers, foods, decorations and the festive and family-gathering atmosphere. It’s going to happen soon!
Begin life at forty 