Fri, 5/26: I had lived in my fantasy world when my period was almost a week late. In that magical realm, all the long-standing infertility struggles we had endured were magically resolved. A miracle had occurred, washing away all the exhaustion, fear, and pressure. We were on the verge of experiencing the joy of parenthood, which would bring a sense of fulfillment to our marriage and lead me down an exciting and challenging path. The presence of our little one filled me with excitement, instilling in me the determination and motivation to overcome any obstacles that might come my way. However, this fantasy ended abruptly today with the arrival of my period. Though it was late morning, I still lay in bed, closing my eyes and holding onto the fading remnants of that illusion before it vanished completely and I had to face the harsh reality of continuing this foggy journey.
Once my dream world had been shattered, I became worried about my period. It was bleeding but not fully. It was sparse and infrequent. I had no idea what’s going on with my body. I felt lost and clueless about what steps to take next in order to make the treatment work. Every time I dwelled on this journey, a wave of darkness, heaviness and disorientation washed over me. My once unwavering determination and desire for success were wearing thin…
Sun, 5/28, I was feeling down. When I thought about my unusually light, dark brown period, I was wondering if it had actually started. I started to question about the benefits of my diligent indulgence in various supplements (Ovasitol, fish oil, NeoQ10, prenatal vitamins, True Niagen, DHEA, and Vitamin D3) for over a year, hoping for a positive change in my IVF treatment. I have restricted myself not to do this or only do that to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Yet, regardless of my efforts, the result hasn’t changed. It seems the more treatments I have, the worse the results turn out. When I was hit by my period, I gave myself a day to temporarily forget that I’m an IVF patient. I skipped taking supplements which made me relieved, and ate whatever I wanted to pamper myself.
Tue, 5/30: I was nervous before the consultation with the doctor. I wasn’t confident that the doctor would be able to provide me with a definitive answer regarding the reasons behind the continuous failures or give me an effective solution for the next cycle. There were numerous questions I wanted to ask, but at the same time, I had a feeling that the doctor’s responses might not be new to me.
Anyway, below were basically my concerns and her explanations:
1. Baseline hormones: Estrogen of the 4th cycle was 32.8 pmol/L, compared to 19 pmol/L of the first one – it changed but the difference wasn’t much as both levels remained in the low range.
2. Baseline scan of AFC: Itwas good with 24 follicles (the 4th cycle) compared to 19 (the 1st).
3. AMH: 2.3 (the 4th cycle) compared to 2.7 (the 1st measured in March, 2022). Slightly decreased but is still a good number of egg reserves.
4. Dominant follicles during stimulation: It’s not unusual as long as the blood tests show normal results. Sometimes, doctors may consider sacrificing dominant follicles and prioritize the growth of smaller ones. However, in my case, it was likely that the giant follicle sucked up most of the medication, leaving little for the smaller ones, leading to their slow growth despite the normal blood tests. The doctor advised against prolonging the stimulation phase beyond 13 days as doing so could potentially lead to poor quality eggs. I’ve experienced the issue of dominant follicles in 3 cycles and each time the cycle was either canceled or only few eggs were retrieved. It’s still unclear what she can do to prevent it for the next cycle apart from prescribing birth control pills that I have taken in each previous cycle.
5. Decreased Estrogen during stimulation: During the recent stimulation, my estrogen decreased but then bounced back up the following day. Again, there was no single clear reason for this fluctuation. It could be attributed to factors such as Letrozole or Cetrotide or age or an unknown reason. There’s only certainty is that my body has responded extremely poorly to the drugs.
5. Light menstruation: Despite having a short, brown, and extremely light period, the doctor assured that it should not be a concern. She added that a heavy menstruation is more concerning to her.
6. High FSH: A year ago, my FSH was high, 15.9. When I consulted a Vietnamese IVF doctor, he told me to wait at least 3 months before proceeding with IVF; if I insisted on immediate treatment, “you would never be successful”, he emphasized. However, my IVF doctor and the embryologist didn’t take into account this marker when I first questioned them. I brought this up again today and she reaffirmed that FSH isn’t a determining factor in the pregnancy rate. According to her, AMH is more important. At my age, when the successful pregnancy rate is significantly reduced due to the higher rates of embryo abnormalities, the more eggs I have, the better the successful rate will be.
7. Protocol for next cycle: The doctor suggested two protocols for me to consider: the Cetrotide protocol and the microdose protocol. She mentioned these would be the only ones available for me, which contradicted what she said earlier about their being no limits to how many times I wanted to try; they always had treatments as long as we could afford them. (Maybe I misunderstood?!?) Anyway, I’m not dwelling much on it. I still stick with my plan to continue the treatment in Vietnam if my attempts here fail. My next cycle was scheduled for July 8, 2023 and the protocol will be microdose using Birth Control pills, Lupron, Gonal F and Menopur.
In general, the doctor couldn’t really pinpoint the causes of the issues, why it happened that way or give me an effective solution. All she has done and is going to is trying different protocols and hoping one of them will work for me.
Worried that if there was a cyst, I would lose the chance to do the treatment. Luckily, the results turned out normal with 13 follicles on the left and 11 on the right.
Sat, 4/29 (day 1 of stim): 300 unit Gonal F (PM), 150 unit Menopur (PM), 100 mg Clomid
Sun, 4/30 (day 2 of stim): same doses, same time
Mon, 5/1 (day 3 of stim): same doses, same time
Tue, 5/2 (day 4 of stim): same doses, same time
Wed, 5/3 (day 5 of stim): Same doses, same time. Added 5 mg Letrozole (2 tablets).
– ultrasound and blood tests: one 12.5 mm on the left and one 13.3 mm on the right with many tiny follicles. It was good that there were no dominant ones.
Thur, 5/4 (day 6 of stim): Same doses, same time as on Wed, 5/3.
Fri, 5/5 (day 7 of stim): Same doses as Thur, 5/4, different time: AM: 300 unit Gonal F, 0.25 Cetrotide, and 5 mg Letrozole (2 tablets); PM: 150 unit Menopur
Ultrasound and blood tests: Not good. A dominant follicle appeared (19.7 mm on the right). The second biggest one on the left was 13.6, showing minimal growth compared to its size of 12.5 mm two days earlier. Additionally, Estrogen decreased from 331 to 281, indicating that follicles didn’t grow as expected, increasing the risk of the lack of ovulation. Was instructed to continue stimulation injections and go back to the clinic for ultrasound and blood tests the next day. If Estrogen didn’t turn around, the treatment would be canceled.
Sat, 5/6 (day 8 of stim): 300 unit Gonal F (AM), 0.25 Cetrotide (AM) and 150 unit Menopur (PM)
Ultrasound and blood tests: The dominant follicle jumped to 22.7 mm and the biggest second one was 15.7 mm. Other follicles were less than 10 mm and the scan showed they didn’t grow. However, Estrogen slightly increased to 336. Was told to continue stimulation injections and went back to the clinic for ultrasound and blood tests the next day; the possibility of cancelation was also mentioned. If I proceeded with the retrieval, the maximum number of eggs expected would be only 2.
Sun, 5/7 (day 9 of stim): 300 unit Gonal F (AM) and 0.25 Cetrotide (AM)
Ultrasound and blood tests: One 18.4 mm follicle on the left and one 25.5 mm follicle on the right.
Canceled the cycle following the doctor’s recommendation.
Going to have a consultation visit with the doctor on Tue, 5/30/2023 regarding an overview of the recent failed cycle and a protocol to be considered for the next cycle.
I still have 3 boxes of 300 unit Gonal F and 2 boxes of Cetrotide in the fridge. Need to remind myself to check the fridge’s temperature first thing in the morning to make sure it stays within the safe range. For the next cycle, I plan to buy enough medications around the ultrasound and blood test time, instead of buying all at once as my treatment can be stopped any time if the tests don’t show normal results. I actually tried this way last time because I wanted to avoid wasting medications, but ordering them was incredibly nerve-wracking. I spent hours anxiously on the phone, finally being able to talk to the pharmacy’s representative and place the order. I had been so worried that I wouldn’t have medications when I needed them. I then asked for the representative’s email in case I can’t reach anyone by phone next time. But I’m not sure if avoiding potential waste of money is worth the stress I experience. I can’t afford the risk of not having medications, especially on weekends and Monday mornings. The pharmacy doesn’t ship on Sunday but ships overnight during week days but the delivery usually arrives around 9 am the next day while I may need medications earlier in the morning – I typically take morning injections at 5 am so that S can leave for work after giving me shots.
I was utterly defeated each time our IVF failed but this time I’m not feeling as devastated. It’s probably because I still hold onto the hope and have chances to try again. And deep inside, my emotions have been crushed so profoundly that I told myself, “Enough is enough!” I can’t continue living a life feeling incomplete due to this any more. I need to live life to the fullest though it’s incomplete. Also, what truly helps me stay strong after the stressful experiences is that I no longer hate or get disappointed about myself. This is so meaningful as it allows me to enjoy life with all the blessings I have been given. In previous failures, I was struck by the double blow of the bitter disappointment from unsuccessful IVF attempts and the self-hatred.
111. Maturity begins when you can be proven wrong without feeling like you’ve lost.
112. For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
113. Speak only if it improves silence.
114. This too shall pass.
115. Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.
116. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
117. Remember, no matter how bad you have it, there are always millions of people having it worse than you.
118. Do what you have to do and let others do what they want to do.
119. The pain of regret is far worse than the pain of discipline.
120. If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.
121. Deal with the big while it’s still small.
122. Everything is difficult before it is easy. (Me: The opposite is also true.)
123. We either make ourselves happy or miserable, the amount of work is the same.
124. Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.
125. Success in 9 words: Do all the crap you don’t feel like doing.
126. There is one thing that 99 percent of “failures” and “successful” folks have in common – they all hate doing the same things. The difference is successful people do them anyway.
127. To be kind is more important than to be right.
128. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.
129. Discipline equals Freedom.
130. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
131. Life isn’t about the vents that happen to me, it’s about my reaction to those events.
132. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude.
133. All the water in the Ocean can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside.
134. Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.
135. Put your heart where your mouth is.
136. The true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers.
137. Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want now.
138. We read quotes not to be better ourselves, but to better understand ourselves. (Me: it’s for both.)
139. We’re so busy watching out for what’s ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.
140. As you go through life you will discover the world is governed by many rules, but the most important rules are the ones that come from within, the rules you place upon yourself.
141. We all make choices. But in the end, our choices make us.
142. The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.
143. It’s always easier to stay out of a situation then get out of one.
144. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.
145. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
147. Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
148. Some things are not worth saying, some people are not worth questioning, some actions are not worth your reaction.
149. One moment of patience, in a moment of anger, can save a thousand moments of regret.
150. The true master is an eternal student.
151. Anger gives motivation without purpose.
152. If you have a problem, and then you spend a bunch of energy worrying and fretting about it, then you have two problems.
153. It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
154. Are you having a bad day, or did you have a bad 5 minutes and are letting it ruin your whole day?
155. You can’t have a bad day with a good attitude and you can’t have a good day with a bad attitude.
156. A boat doesn’t sink because it’s in water, it sinks when it lets the water in.
157. We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one.
158. It always seems impossible until it’s done.
159. Hardest choices require the strongest wills.
160. Your past doesn’t define you. It just gives you the starting point to who you’re going to be.
161. If you want something you’ve never had, then you need to do something you’ve never done.
162. Live life the hard way and it will become easier, try living life the easy way and it will crush you.
163. A true man’s strength lies with his gentleness.
164. Getting old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
165. With great power, comes great responsibility.
166. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.
167. Always be kind to people. Not because they are, but because you are.
168. Violence is not strength and compassion is not weakness.
169. Life starts at the end of your comfort zone.
170. It’s better to ask stupid questions than make stupid mistakes.
171. People who never changed their mind never changed anything.
172. Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward.
173. You don’t notice your progress in life because you are always raising the bar.
174. Worrying only makes you suffer twice.
175. You train people how to treat you, unconsciously or not.
176. Your future is what you make it, so make it a good one.
177. Be curious, not judgmental.
178. Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.
179. Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, for your character is what you are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
180. The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.
181. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
182. There is freedom of speech, but I can’t guarantee freedom after speech.
182. Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become character, character becomes destiny.
183. When you’re going through Hell, keep going.
184. Neither pleasure nor pain should enter as motives when you must do what must be done.
185. Pain is temporary, but regret is forever.
186. While it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a great blessing.
187. Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
188. Sometimes you will never realize the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.
189. We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
190. When you expect disappointment you can never get disappointed.
191. I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.
192. Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.
193. Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
194. A wise man learns more from a foolish question, than a foolish man learns from a wise answer.
195. Don’t do something permanently stupid when you’re temporarily upset.
196. Measure twice, cut once.
197. There is a fine line between brave and stupid.
198. There are two ways to get enough: One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.
199. If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.
200. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
Cleaned the shared bathroom, the half bathroom and Sam’s litter box.
Did the laundry, washed a shower curtain and bathroom mats, changed hand and face cloths.
Mopped the bathrooms and the MF room.
Cooked chili, put the dishes away and refilled the soap dispenser.
4/10: Choresand abdomen ultrasound
Went to Walmart, got groceries, put them in the fridge & the pantry.
Put rice into containers for storage.
Cooked rice soup with the leftover rice stuck to the cooker’s bottom. Cleaned the kitchen and put away the dishes.
Took supplements, went to the IVF clinic to get a specimen cup.
4/11: Chores
Filled out a passport application.
Did the laundry and dried it.
Ironed shirts.
Cooked oysters and chili soup for dinner.
Fed pets.
Put away the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
4/12: Chores and passport application appointment schedule
Woke up feeling anxious about submitting the passport application, took a shower and got dressed to head out to take passport photos and go to a passport agent. Disliked paperwork stuff like this, but knew had to get it done. At the post office, a staff member told that I had to make an appointment online. Made an appointment for the next day at another location. Booked a photo service slot too, felt relieved. Went back home, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, vacuumed the master room and changed bed sheets.
4/13: Chores, passport application submission and bonus letter
Checked the leftover IVF medications and informed the nurse for prescription.
Cleaned the dirty vacuum cleaner by removing debris and dust from the compartments and washing the filter.
Hung up new bedroom curtains and did the laundry.
Unloaded and loaded dishwasher and cleaned kitchen.
Cooked dinner including soup made from chili, rice, stewed potatoes and carrots, fresh tomatoes, green beans, sausages, crawfish, milk, and cheese with cayenne pepper to spice it up; fried noodles with milk, parmesan cheese, onion, and green mix topped with stewed chicken.
Got the passport photo taken and submitted the application. Paid $130 application fee by check to the US Dept. of State & $35 execution fee by credit card to the post office. The application process will take longer than expected, bout 10-13 wks instead of 4-6 wks. The submission time was quick and straightforward anyway, only ~15 mins. Felt relieved to have it done.
S forwarded me a letter from the manager, granting him a bonus for outstanding performance. The letter was filled with generous compliments. I teased S that the letter seemed to have been dipped in sugar, honey, syrup, fruit jelly, milk and banana smoothie. Could tell how happy he was.
4/14: Chores and definition of “fresh”
Cleaned Sam’s litter box.
Made meatloaf with a side dish of butter-fried green mix and pan-fried potatoes for S’s dinner and cut oranges for dessert.
Put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher.
Fed Dozer and Sam.
Steamed fresh shrimp bought from a local store and boiled the shrimp heads to use later. Interesting to see how Americans define “fresh” in seafood which means “never previously frozen”, whereas in Vietnam, it means “alive and swimming”. I had never bought dead shrimp when I lived there. But wild-caught shrimp is very common in the US, which is probably why it’s harder to keep it alive at the time of sale.
4/16: Painting “Lover”, Canh and Theralogix order
I took a shower, dressed up in a favorite black loose silk-like dress shirt, tied a 2-inch red belt around the waist, paired it with cream black snake print block heel sandals and accessorized with a casual red bag.
We went to a museum and saw an oil painting called “Lover”. The painting depicted a scrawny man lying on his right side on the ground, the feet together, the right elbow above his head, the left hand resting on the right hand. His face was buried in his right arm. Told S that I didn’t see a relation between the painting & the “Lover” subject. No love, intimacy, bonding, or happiness. Then, he said, “He has a broken heart.” Such an A-ha moment! Yes, it could be a lover going through a breakup or in a distressed relationship or suffering a tragic loss of his beloved.
We went home and I cooked “Canh”, a traditional Vietnamese soup, using shrimp broth. The broth was simply water used to steam shrimp and the juice from the shrimp blended into the water, giving the broth a naturally sweet and appealing red-orange color. Added mixed greens and sprinkled some garlic salt for flavor. Voila, it was ready to eat. “Canh” is a staple in daily meals of Vietnamese people. It’s not thick or creamy, but rather has a great amount of liquid. It can be made by simply using water after boiling vegetables with a few grains of salt. Lemon juice can be added after Canh is cooked to make it more appetizing. It can also be a complicated dish that is time-consuming and has a lot of ingredients. We eat “Canh” together with rice and other foods because its fluid and flavor balanced out the dryness of other dishes, making them easier to eat. For the type of “Canh” that’s simply water that has been used to boil vegetables, it serves not only as a dish but traditionally as a light and refreshing drink throughout our meals.
My supplement order was declined last week because my health debit card didn’t have enough money. The lady taking care of my order didn’t tell me the payment didn’t go through. Successfully updated the order with a different cardbut the waiting time would be longer, instead of 7-10 business days as usual. I have replacement prenatal vitamins and fish oil while waiting for the order to be delivered. But honestly, the quantity of vitamins and minerals in one dose of Theralogix supplements is much better than that in the similar over-the-counter ones. I should’ve ordered them, especially Ovasitol, over a month ago. However, at that time, I just went through a failed treatment and was taking a break before doing the next round. I just didn’t want to think of IVF or anything else related. I was kind of in a “let it go, let it be” attitude. Plus, I was somehow disappointed and lost hope that expensive quality medications would help. But now, with my next round coming up soon, my mind was reminded to get back to the journey with attention and focus.
S rarely sleeps straight through the night. He goes to bed ~9 PM, wakes up ~11 PM, eats cookies, ice cream, or chips to fall back asleep. Then sleeps for few hours until 4:20 AM when he wakes up for work. It’s been going on for months, and it really worries me about his health. I suggested he read a book because he doesn’t enjoy it, which I thought might help him fall asleep quickly. However, he insisted nacks help him fall back asleep, but it never works. The same pattern leads to the same result – His sleep is still on and off but his belly is rounder and higher.
4/16: Cut S’s hair and dinner at Carrabba
I had never thought I would be the one cutting S’s hair one day. It all started when we moved to a mesa at a high altitude of 7000 feet, and it was difficult for S to find a salon that had appointments that fits his work schedule. So, he asked me to cut his hair. I purchased a haircut kit from Walmart for a few dollars and started watching instructional videos on YouTube. At first, his haircuts were not too bad, but it would take me forever to finish. S encouraged me to use an electric shaver to make the work easier, but I was too lazy to learn how to use it, and still am. So, I still use the same scissors and combs I purchased at Walmart, and they work perfectly. Since I started cutting S’s hair before the COVID lockdowns began, our routine was not impacted when salons had to close due to the pandemic. S is always pleased with his new haircut, and he never intends to visit a salon again.
Later, we went to Carrabba, our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner and on the way, I saw a hand-written message on an equipment box that said “I’m fucking hungry”, which made me feel sorry for the person who wrote it. It made me feel grateful for the blessings that I have in my life. Back home, listened to acid jazz. The melody and beats were so captivating and sexy. Felt unwind and relaxed.
4/17: How to wear a car key avoid looking like you’re showing off
Made coffee and prepared lunch for S with Italian leftovers.
Had a morning checkup with a specialist doctor.
Returned a plastic garden edging roll at Home Depot.
Headed Publix for clam chowder soup and baby tomatoes.
Did the laundry and cooked oyster soup, butter-sauteed kale, and shrimp for S’s dinner and oranges as dessert.
Ironed shirts and did personal care.
Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, ran it and cleaned the kitchen.
While I was browsing Vietnamese news, I came across an amusing title that caught my attention. It was about how to wear a car key so that people don’t think you’re showing off. Although I didn’t read the article, I found the comments interesting, particularly one that said people who wear car keys to belts aren’t rich but rather taxi drivers, shippers, or truck drivers who use cars to earn money. Another comment mentioned how placing car keys on the table during a business meeting or a date indirectly tells people about your wealth because you don’t drive a motorbike.
4/18: Chores
Forgot to wear a mask when I dropped off the specimen collection cup at the clinic as I was nervous and in a hurry to be on time due to the limited amount of time for specimen delivery. Hoped that the allergies wouldn’t bother me too much tonight. I’m tired of sneezing, having a runny nose, and taking pills for it. Did some chores after taking supplements including cutting pineapples up to store in the fridge. I bought them on sale for only 99 cents each. Bananas were overripe, didn’t want to throw them away, so I mashed them in a pan with some butter until they turned into a paste. Banana paste is delicious either on its own or when it is mixed with other ingredients. The best combinations for it are with milk and yogurt or with oatmeal and nuts. Yum!.
4/19: Chores and black tea
Sleepy, procrastinated to do chores, drank coffee, had breakfast: ultimate sub, banana paste smoothie with milk and yogurt and took morning supplements.
Loaded the dishwasher.
Cleaned the living room, vacuumed the couch and dining chairs.
Wiped down the kitchen cabinets and appliances.
Ran the dryer, and took trash out.
Changed hand and face cloths.
Made black tea: boiled 1200ml water to 212F, added 3 tbsp loose leaf tea, brewed for 5 mins, put 3 tbsp sugar in a glass bottle, poured the tea water in, let it cool, then refrigerated.
Served S dinner with chilli soup, green beans, meatloaf sub, leftover BBQ pork and ppineapple.
Took PM supplements, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned Sam’s litter box.
Found an empty container of peanut butter cookies on the coffee table, surprised that S had found it though I had put it in the freezer, instead of the pantry to prevent S from snacking late at night.
4/20: Chores and Theralogix supplement temperature tolerance
Drank coffee, had breakfast & took morning supplements.
Unloaded & loaded the dishwasher.
Swept & washed the porches.
Cleaned Sam’s litter box.
Made black tea.
Ate French bread w/ condensed milk. It used to be a luxurious, fancy breakfast that I was always excited to have when I was a kid. I still love this treat as much as I did back then.
Cooked steak, green beans & red potatoes for S’s dinner.
My Theralogix supplements were delivered at the front porch but I didn’t know while the temperature outside was quite hot. Checked its website and was relieved to know the products were tested and guaranteed stable at the temperatures of 104°F (40°C) +/- 35°F (2°C) and relative humidity of 75% +/- 5%.
4/21: Choresand vegetable soup
Cleaned the double side door using glass cleaner and all-purpose spray.
Cleaned big carpets with foam spray and vacuumed them.
Swept, sucked, and blew leaves and debris off the driveway and the pathway, wore a mask to reduce exposure to dust and allergies.
Made vegetable soup using frozen veggies, fresh celery, tomatoes, and chili. I boiled it for 30 minutes on low heat with 2.5 cups of water and 0.5 cups of milk. Before finishing, added kale to prevent it from being overcooked. If you like cheese, you could add some mozzarella, or if you’re craving carbs, serving it with elbow noodles is also a great option.
4/22: Tired of chores, Love culture
Fried rice with lard and fish sauce – a childhood favorite food of mine.
Ran the dishwasher.
Ran the dryer and the washing machine.
Folded another load of clothes, felt tired of household chores.
Went to Rouses.
Stopped by Walgreens for Excedrin and prescription.
Decluttered MF room by sorting papers and putting them in proper places, throwing away paper trash, and organizing personal things.
Still had a lot of things to do, and it felt like the endless cycle of chores was never-ending. As soon as I finish cleaning one task, it promptly finds its way back onto my to-do list.
I had a thought about a cultural difference in a romantic relationship. In my culture, it’s common for a man to offer or insist on helping his girlfriend, e.g. carrying stuff for her or going to her house even when it is raining and she already refuses. It’s seen as a sign of gallantry and decisiveness. However, in a Western culture, respecting a person’s autonomy is important, and it could be seen annoying or offensive to push someone to accept help if they don’t want it.
4/23: Chores, grocery shopping and toy for Sam
Woke up feeling low, had coffee and breakfast with 2 fried eggs and sweet potatoes, and took supplements.
Went to Walmart and 2 Vietnamese stores to buy groceries.
Put away groceries and reorganized the pantry.
Did the laundry, ran the dishwasher, and made black tea.
The Vietnamese grocery store I frequently visit has expanded into a much larger area. The owner rented the space next to their store, which used to be a seafood restaurant. The expanded store is filled with all kinds of products, from fresh produce and dry goods to snacks, drinks, and kitchen accessories, placed neatly on the shelves. Next to it are a bubble tea store and a Vietnamese restaurant which I guess belong to the same owner. They must be doing really well because with the expanded space, the store is now the largest Vietnamese one in town, making it difficult for other similar stores to compete.
Since I bought Sam 2 replacement pads for his favorite toy today, they reminded me how lucky I am to have found the Morovilla Turbo Scratcher. Its design is so simple but so wonderful. It’s a plastic round base with a white ball which will spin in the channel when your cat shoves it with its paw. In the center, there’s a thick carton pad for scratching. The Turbo is everything to Sam. He rests on it, plays with the ball by shoving and catching it, and scratches it several times per day. I’ve been worry-free about him scratching the carpets or the couch since I bought him the first Turbo four years ago. One amazing thing about the toy is that the scratching pad is replaceable. When it wears out, I just flip it over and it looks new again. I only replace the pad when both sides are heavily scratched. Also, playing with the ball is like an exercise for Sam which helps him improve his reflexes and hand-eye coordination.
4/24: Dinner gathering
Cooked spring rolls, Bún Chả, Thịt Kho tàu, baby clam salad (Gỏi Hến xào) with Vietnamse crackers and banana flower and beef salad (Gỏi Hoa chuối) to welcome S’s co-worker coming over for dinner.
I made spring rolls by wrapping the mixture of ground pork, fresh needle mushroom, pounded shrimp, chopped onion, black fungi, carrot, glass noodles, salt and pepper in a rice paper, forming it into a small-rectangular shape. I really don’t understand why rice papers though they were made in Vietnam are very thick, hard and chewy, completely different from the ones sold in Vietnam which I remembered were thin and very crispy. I had to use a trick by brushing the outer side of the rice paper with water and the other side with beaten egg. It worked pretty well but still wasn’t crispy enough. Next time, I’ll try by brushing it with just egg.
Bún Chả was good. I chose pork shoulder as it had a proportionate ratio of fat and meat, perfect for grilling. I wished I could find boneless pork shoulder as the meat would be more tender but I was tired of driving between stores to look for perfect ingredients I needed. I cut it into 1/8 inch thick slices and marinated them with crushed garlic, onions, lemon grass, garlic salt and pepper, mushroom extract seasoning and a touch of Mam tom (fish paste). Left it overnight and then pan-fried for 7 minutes at different temperatures. In Vietnam, meat is cooked on a steel net rack placed over a small charcoal stove, giving it a more flavorful grilled aroma.
Baby clam salad was a disappointment. The clams had a strange texture and a strong, unpleasant smell. I think it was a mistake to mix them with pineapple, which made them mushy. Previously, I mixed clams with mango and mint and it was perfect. Actually, pineapple can go well with baby clams as long as you leave them separate and combine them only when you eat. But I know Americans don’t like food that requires them to do extra work, like putting a little bit of this and that together for each bite. That’s why I mixed everything together beforehand.
Banana flower and beef salad was good for my Asian taste but the sauce might have been too strong for S and his co-worker. The sauce was a mixture of fish sauce, sugar, lemon, red peppers, garlic and ginger and no water was added to preserve its bold flavor.
Thịt Kho tàu was the best. I stewed pork belly in coconut juice, soy sauce, sugar and caramel with pepper seeds and red peppers. Served with sticky rice.
I thought my salads were an unpleasant experience for both S and his co-worker. I would not take risks next time.
Despite following my IVF doctor’s recommendations to take various supplements and eat antioxidant-rich foods, I still feel disappointed with how I look. When I look in the mirror, my skin looks dehydrated, my face and neck are covered in pimples, and my hair is dry and frizzy. The worst thing is that my periods have become shorter and less frequent since my second round of IVF a few months ago.
I have an upcoming appointment for an overall reproductive ultrasound and blood tests in a few weeks. I had those done a year ago and after a year, I need to repeat them. This makes me feel nervous and scared as I’m not sure how my markers will be. Women from 38-40 experience drastic changes in their reproductive systems and hormones, which make it more difficult for them to have a baby. I don’t have much hope for the IVF success this time around, and the thought of traveling to Vietnam for the treatment is both thrilling and overwhelming at the same time.
I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but it’s hard not to. I need to remind myself that nothing is more important than my IVF treatment right now and that any worries or anxieties I have aren’t worth dwelling on. It’s important to affirm this thought whenever those negative thoughts arise.
I’ve been taking allergy pills for almost a week now, and this is already the fourth time I’ve been hit with allergies since the end of February. It all started when the winter started to fade away and the spring season was arriving. There was more rain, soil was moist and sometimes wet, covered by layers of old leaves. Trees, plants, flowers were coming back to life, with more buds popping and flowers blooming. The wind started to pick up, stirring up small particles and leaves, filling the air with pollen and allergens. That was the perfect time for allergies to hit people like me who are super sensitive to them.
My March went well with a lot of activities, fun and laughs.
Car AC changed
My car’s AC hadn’t been working right. It kept blowing hot air. I had been driving with the broken AC through most of the winter but on the hot days in late Feb, I couldn’t bear the heat, even with the windows open. And doing that made my pollen allergies worse. With no more room for delay, I took my car to Pep Boys to get it checked out. After waiting for a few hrs, I got 2 quotes, ~$1300 for just the AC unit replacement and ~$1800 for a whole new package. I didn’t care to look at the quotes’ breakdowns as either one was far beyond my expectation. When I told S about it, he wanted to fix it himself so that we could save some money. But after watching an instructional video on Youtube, he quickly gave up :D. We decided to order a new A/C device on Amazon for around $200 and look for a local auto repair shop to have them change it. The shop wasn’t far from our house, just a few minutes’ drive away. I left my car there on a Thursday evening and got it back on the following Tuesday. When S told me to check if the AC was working right, I said, “It’s fine,” after feeling cold air blowing out of the vents. However, upon driving it, he said it still wasn’t working correctly, so he went back to the shop. After the second fix, it is working greatly again and now I can enjoy my time on the road. Oh, I forgot, the total cost was around $700, almost half cheaper than one of the quotes.
Happy Numberth Anniversary!
Our anniversary fell on a busy weekday, so S and I decided to reschedule our celebration to the weekend. On the day of our anniversary, S brought home Peruvian lilies, white Lilies, and red Roses. They looked fresh. S isn’t a good flower buyer. The flowers he buys are usually wilted and droopy as spending more than 3 minutes picking something out means too long for him.
S wanted to surprise me with our anniversary celebration, so he kept the plan a secret. On Saturday, I wore a knitted long classic creamy dress with cap sleeves and a high neck, and paired it with a medium-sized black belt. I also picked out a shoulder purse, earrings, and peep toe ankle strap stiletto heels with purple accents. We parked the car under a building, and I still had no idea where we were headed.
As we walked further, I saw the river and a small cruise. I was thrilled and exclaimed, “Wow!” I turned to S and thanked him. We walked around the dock, taking photos while waiting for the crew to prepare for boarding. After checking in, we were guided upstairs, where recorded music was playing, and there was a band on the corner stage ready for performance. What an amazing surprise!
The band performed various love songs, both slow and fast-paced. There was a break between the show, and during that time, we went to the front of the ship to view the river at night. There wasn’t much to see, or maybe it was just me as I’m not a person inspired by nature sightseeing. The second part of the show was interactive, where guests danced under the dance instructions. A singer also congratulated couples celebrating their anniversaries and birthdays and we were asked to dance to a celebration song. I followed S, feeling embarrassed, awkward, and extremely unnatural. I had never danced like this before. We danced and sang at home but we made ourselves look silly and made fun of each other.
The cruise lasted for about two hours, and it was so quiet that I didn’t even feel like we were moving. We were also served food and drinks. The food was disappointing. We had chicken breast, rice pilaf, zucchini, and two grilled shrimp with a roll. The chicken was soaked in salt, and the shrimp was dry. The rice and zucchini were better, but the flavors weren’t special. However, the rich chocolate dessert and drinks were delicious.
Despite the mediocre food, the live band performance was the highlight of the night for me. I felt blessed for what S had done for our fun and memorable anniversary.
Citizenship Test
Mon, 3/27 – Two days before the test
I gathered all the necessary documents and made sure they were organized and ready to go. I reviewed my notes and practiced answering civic questions. Although I felt a bit nervous about the interview, I reminded myself that I had put in the effort to prepare and had done everything I could.
Next, I picked out 2 outfits for the interview in case one didn’t work for any reason at the last minute. The first one was black on black with a sheath dress and a soft jacket. I gained weight recently according to my IVF doctor’s advice, so I wasn’t confident about my lower belly. I covered it by wearing a long laced black scarf with fringes hanging down at the front and cinched it in a big-size golden belt. The second outfit was an A-shaped black dress with yellow and green stripes at the bottom paired with a loose collarless blazer featuring a large bow on the single bottom button. I added a gold cuff necklace with a big pearl pendant so that the top looked less boring.
Wed, 3/29 – Test day
I passed! I was a little embarrassed when I was the only one with a big bag of documents while the other applicants had just a thin file. My friend had also brought very little. But I didn’t want to take any chances of missing anything, so I had everything I could possibly need. I brought all the original papers required, along with additional evidence just in case. I even memorized the dates of my moves and my vacations abroad after watching a USCIS model interview video in which the interviewer asked a guy the dates he left and returned to the US. I knew I over-prepared, but for important events, it’s better to overdo than underdo as it will save me peace of mind.
The interviewer was really nice and made me feel comfortable and relaxed. He patiently answered my questions and even reminded me to consider the amount of time it would take to get my passport while applying for a full name change at the court. I told him that I didn’t need the American passport immediately and could always use my VN passport for traveling. He replied, “You need the American passport to get back to the US.” I burst into laughter because of my inexperience. I forgot that my green card would be taken back once I got the naturalization certificate.
After the interview, I was told to come back later for the oath of allegiance ceremony. While waiting, S and I went to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant for a late lunch. I got a specialty Pho and spring rolls, and S had crushed rice with grilled pork and bubble mango smoothie, which was funny that the waiter thought it was for me. I didn’t expect Pho to be so expensive now. It was $24 for the special bowl, which would be around $30 after tip and tax. By the way, it was delicious. The Vietnamese waiter, also a student, spoke with a northern accent, similar to me, which I don’t hear often here. One surprising thing was that he lived very near my parents’ house in VN.
When we got back to the field office, we entered a ceremony room where the blinds on the glass wall were pulled up so that my friends and family could “attend” from the other side. The host officer was very nice when he told us to face the glass wall so that those accompanying us could take photos of us while we were taking an oath. I looked over a few times to see if S was there, but I didn’t see him. I later found out that he was in the car, and the car next to his had blocked his view, therefore he didn’t see people gather outside the ceremony room. But it was Ok. When I pretended that I was upset because he wasn’t there, I was just teasing him to make him feel how important he was to me.
After taking the oath, the officers took photos of us individually. I was happy to have some nice photos to share with my family and friends.
On the way home, I sent the photos to MK, and she texted all of her friends to tell them I passed the interview. And then she forwarded their texts to me. I felt really embarrassed, but I felt blessed because of her love and attention for me.
IVF Thoughts
I got a call from the IVF office telling me that my appointment with the doctor had been canceled due to her being unwell. Honestly, I was relieved to hear that as I literally didn’t want to go. Though I was the one asking for the meeting initially. I had no idea what I should ask her after reviewing my previous rounds of IVF. Also, I doubted that her responses would be different from what I’ve known already.
The field of IVF is complex, and it often seems that there is no single answer to any given question or issue. No answer can guarantee a successful outcome, and I decided not to reschedule the appointment because I didn’t see a benefit of doing that. Also, S said he might be unable to take off work to go with me while I am uncomfortable attending the consultation alone.
As the expected retrieval week draws near (May 8th), I emailed the nurse to ask her what I need to do to prepare for the next round. With my period expected soon, I am unsure of what the IVF team will have in store for me this time around. Typically, it takes two cycles to begin stimulation. In the first cycle, I would normally take birth control pills to prime my ovaries for stimulation, and in the second cycle, I would undergo a baseline and ultrasound examination. If everything appears normal, the stimulation process would begin.
—
A few months back, after my third round of IVF got canceled, I decided to text a well-known IVF doctor from a Vietnamese hospital where we’ve been storing S’s specimens, and ask for an online consultation regarding our potential IVF treatment in Vietnam. It was upsetting that I didn’t receive a reply from him, but I understand that doctors there are incredibly busy, especially given the high number of IVF patients they tend to. However, his silence made me feel more unsupported and alone on this journey.
I Laughed A lot
S is so humorous. My friend, Rose sent me a photo of the letter “R” – her name’s first letter that her boyfriend lawnmowered to make it when he helped her cut grass in her yard. I showed that romantic photo to S and a few minutes later, I heard my phone beep. Checking it, I burst into laughter when I saw a photo of a note with the letter “P” – my name’s first letter he scribbled in it. Then my friend sent me another photo of her boyfriend’s shirtless fit upper body and also showed it to S. After a few minutes, my phone beeped again. S sent both my friend and me a hilarious photo of a muscular 6-pack shirtless bodybuilder but his head was replaced with S’s head. LOL!
I started my life’s new chapter in a new role with unprecedented responsibilities after I moved to the US. That was to become a full-time homemaker and my wholehearted mission was to keep our marriage happy and healthy. S makes us a house; I make it home. My daily chores include cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of pets and paying bills among loads of other unnamed, unseen, trivial duties. However, as an inexperienced, stay-at-home immigrant, it took me a great amount of time to do those since I had to learn how to do it right. I learned how to cook American foods, ways to clean/decorate expertly, tips to shop frugally and wisely, and many other life skills in the country where life seems opposite to one in my homeland and my upbringing. I also learned about American culture, social norms, principles and laws so that I could confidently integrate into society.
Staying at home is a priceless chance for me to hit a pause in my life. I could observe the world and my inner self rather than be spiraled into a fast-paced life like a hamster hysterically running on a treadmill. Observation in stillness has changed my shallow and limited perceptions about life in a deeper and broader manner. I could peel off layers of illusions about life to see it as it is, sweet or bitter, rough or smooth. Right view of life and myself has helped me realize my inner power that I ignorantly thought had never existed. That endless source has transformed my old submissive, credulous self into a confident and valiant individual.
Staying at home has granted me an enormous amount of time teaching myself anything I thought necessary. I had never been a true learner throughout my student life in Vietnam. Therefore, I have tried hard when I was lucky enough to be able to immerse myself into study again. I value experiences and knowledge as those, from my perspective, significantly contribute to right observation. They all have encouraged me to be true to myself and to everyone.
Deep in my heart, I owe a debt of gratitude to my dear man. Without his full commitment to our marriage, his leadership and financial responsibility in our family, and especially his support and understanding, I should have been part of a hectic life and probably never had a chance to be who I am today.
I started my curtain-making project by looking for the colors and patterns to match the walls’ Sherwin Williams Carvern Clay paint. I wanted a cozy and tranquil ambiance space, so I chose warm earthy colors such as red and brown. Red is already the color of the walls, creating a flowy connection between the curtains and the walls. Though red and brown are dominant colors but they don’t look overwhelming thanks to the Chevron insignia pattern, an ancient V-symbol. The symbols break the colors into small pads, keeping the curtains bright and bold without being overpowering. Also, the Chevron insignia adds a retro and nostalgic feeling to the room.
To make my curtains, I bought pre-made curtains on Amazon that are 50″x96″ each, and made of polyester satin. Since I needed the curtains to be at least 1.5 times wider than my window to add volume and depth to the curtains. I sewed two panels together to create a larger size. With two pre-made pairs, I customized one pair of my curtains.
The pre-made curtains had the grommet style on the top edge but they looked a little too industrial for my taste. So, I cut the top off, and made double pleats instead to create a more traditional and elegant look. This part was easy. I sewed a pleating tape designed for pleats using hooks. This saved me a ton of time creating evenly spaced pleats. However, the pleats weren’t well-defined as I had expected as the fabric isn’t soft enough to drop down. Therefore, I sewed a 1.2″ line on each pleat, starting 3.5″ from the top edge to secure it.
Then, I added a lining to the curtains to block out light completely for S’s sleep. To save time and money, I cut the lining to a size that only covers the window. It works perfectly at night, however, during the daytime, it’s not 100% blackout as some translucent light still comes through at the edges of the lining. It doesn’t bother me at all, but if you are a perfectionist or you are very sensitive to any level of light while sleeping during the day, you can always cut your curtains longer to resolve this issue.
Generally, I’m happy with how the curtains turned out. But while making them, I wasn’t in the sewing mood, I just wanted to finish them quickly. There are definitely some areas where I could’ve improved the technical aspects, specifically sewing the lining more neatly and precisely.
This little shovel is so cool! I knew it belonged to S’s grandfather since WWII, but I had never paid attention to it until last weekend when we used it to build a flower bed. The blade pivots and locks at a 90-degree angle, transforming it into a hoe. How versatile it is!”
I ordered an abstract painting. It’s not really packed with details. Basically, the painting depicts a small, glossy, red ball-shaped thing as the focal point, near the center of the canvas, flanked by two huge, brownish-red cylindrical shapes in the bottom half. The top half of the painting is just a yellowish brown background of various shades, which bring to mind the warm colors of sunset or the subtle textures of a wall. There’s no action happening in the painting, giving a serene and static atmosphere, allowing viewers to have their own thoughts and feelings without interruptions. The painting’s warm tone with earthy muted colors added its calming effect.
When I first saw the painting, I could relate to it right away. My first impression was that of being stuck. The red object, which looked like a cherry, was being wedged between the two giant stone pillars with no way out. Like the cherry, I felt trapped between my reality and my desires. But the painting doesn’t give a pessimistic or hopeless feeling as the cherry is still shiny and round and hasn’t been messed up by the stones. The cherry is on top of the cleft, not in the bottom, so it’s not all bad. Furthermore, the painting’s yellow and red undertones don’t make it look muddy, dull, heavy or distressed. I saw myself in the cherry, feeling stuck and still didn’t know how to escape but at the same time it was like I was taking a break and letting things be.
Whenever I looked at the painting, I always pondered how the cherry could get out of it until one day when S and I talked about it. He thought it was not the cherry but a marble and the giant pillar-looking objects were 2 loaves of bread. How amazing! Marble and bread – they have nothing in common but his imagination was incredibly boundless. It reflected his unconstrained freedom and warrior spirit in his mind. There are challenges but they’re not true obstacles. What can stop a marble in its way when all hindrances are just loaves of bread.
Begin life at forty 