Her inquiry, “Do you love me?” was inane. How redundant it is to pose such a question to an individual who doesn’t make you feel loved any more.
Beyond this, she proceeded to divulge her emotional state, notwithstanding her admonitions not to, just a day prior. She had firmly reminded herself that remaining silent was her sole means of self-preservation. Yet, she transgressed her own determination. She found herself in a state of profound fragility, teetering on the brink of emotional implosion, and eventually succumbing to it. Her initial belief in her strength and resilience was erroneous. However, she knows life would give her numerous forthcoming trials to assay her inner fortitude, so it’s permissible to falter this time.
Her mind is blank. Her emotions exist nameless but deep within, numbness takes roots. She has been no longer in the mood for conversation. The solid, unrelenting pain has transmuted her into an unfeeling rock. The darkness and silence are embracing her, offering equanimity after a recurring tornado. She resides in a castle built on sand, yet can’t find strength to make a decision on her own.
Last week I had quite an embarrassing shopping experience at Walmart all because of my careless online order.
It all started when I arrived at the designated pickup spot after placing an online order. I checked in on Walmart’s app, providing my parking spot number and car color, and then waited.
When two Walmart employees came over with the delivery, I was taken aback by how many items there were. I couldn’t believe I actually ordered all of those, I even started to wonder if they would all fit in my small car. Honestly, I was in a hurry while placing the order, so I couldn’t recall what I bought and I already had a hectic day when I went to pick up my items, so my mind was fried, leaving me unsure what to do or unable to think straight at first.
It was only when I took a closer look at the stuff that I realized there were too many energy drinks. I checked the order, obviously the amount they brought matched what I ordered. Still, I had no clue how I ended up with this many. I decided to return the extras right there but one employee said they were just in charge of delivery, and couldn’t assist with returns. I tried explaining that it didn’t make sense to haul them home just to bring them right back. There had to be a way to handle this at pickup.
Then a manager got involved. She instructed me to take the excess energy drinks to the service center inside the store for the return. All I needed to do was show a staff member there an order bar code sticker, which was attached to a delivery container.
Feeling somewhat relieved, I peeled off the sticker, hurriedly pushed a cart full of drinks to the service center, and showed an employee there the order ticket. However, she said the ticket wasn’t valid. Since I’d ordered online, I had to start the return online as well.
Well, it started to sound complex, especially when the lady couldn’t give me clear steps. The thought of lugging a cart full of drinks home pushed me to sort this mess out. I went to my order on Walmart’s app, clicked the return option, and chose the items as well as quantities I wanted to return. For one type of drink, since I was only sending back one pack, I was promptly refunded without needing to physically return the item. However, for the other type, since the return quantity was much larger, the refund was pending. Soon after, I got an email saying I needed to return the items to any Walmart store and show the staff the return barcode included in the email. Since I was already in the store, I showed the barcode to the lady, and she scanned it, giving me a refund receipt. Though she wasn’t exactly the most helpful, she was nice and generally supportive, so I handed her the pack that I was initially told I didn’t have to return, for her to keep.
Look at the insane number of drinks I mistakenly ordered, only for S.
What a messy experience! But it clearly pointed out how prone I am to making mistakes when rushing. A reminder for me to be careful and stay calm, especially in a hurried situation.
Fri, 8/4/2023
At that very moment, she sensed an excruciating pain in her heart. It was torn apart, shattered into thousands of pieces, like a fragile crystal vase, broken by a forceful blow. It was mercilessly smashed, playing out poignantly on the floor, before her eyes, with tears streaming down her face.
Why does this have to be happening during this time?!?
Photo by Vivien Pintu00e1csi on Pexels.comJuly was a stressful month for me. It went by crazily fast.
Fri, 7/7/2023 – Chores
Loaded and ran the dishwasher; vacuumed the couch and wiped it with a warm soaped cloth; tidied up and vacuumed the downstairs; organized and decluttered the MF room; and cleaned Sam’s litter box. Ended the day with dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant.
Mon, 7/10/2023 – A day began with troubles but ended with flowers.
Fri, 7/14/2023 – Errands
Went to Lowe’s to buy two more stepping stones for the small pathway project we were working on in the backyard. Then stopped by Walmart next to it for groceries including jalapeno drumsticks, chicken wings and a whole roasted chicken. Couldn’t help but grab two sugar-topped donuts as well. When I’m hungry, I tend to crave foods loaded with carbs, sugar and fat but my eyes are usually bigger than my stomach. Back home, booked wellness blood work appointments for the following Monday afternoon. Remembered fasting was required, then rescheduled them to the morning. I’m not the kind of person who can go without eating for too long. I usually have light or early dinner, so breakfast or brunch is what I’m always looking forward after I wake up. Anyway, unable to access wellness forms online. Would ask S to take a look at it.
Sat, 7/15/2023 – Poor baby coneflower
My newly-planted baby coneflower died due to excessive rain, which was ironic because I had been so worried it wouldn’t make it through the extreme heat. It had nearly gone previously, but with my daily watering, fertilizing, and protection from snails, it started to revive with thriving buds. I also covered it with pine needles for some shade to protect it from the intense summer heat. Then we had rain for a few days, and I got busy, which made me neglect it. Found out later that the flower had completely gone. All that was left were just the tiny short stems decaying into mud. I felt upset and guilty for my negligence causing its death, but at the same time, couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of returning “this mud” to Lowe’s for a refund, saying, “Look! It’s your plant. Give my money back.”
Mon, 7/17/2023 – Grocery shopping at Vietnamese store
Got my blood work done in the morning and then headed to the Vietnamese store. The fasting had left me so hungry that I couldn’t resist grabbing a bunch of fried carb and sugar-loaded treats. Also, it had been months since my last visit to the store, which was long enough for me to start missing the unique Vietnamese flavors. I ended up getting a variety of things from fruit, snacks to sweet and savory foods.
I grabbed jackfruit, yellow mango, mochi, coconut durian candy and durian cakes. I went on with two cups of sweet soup. One is a combination of sweet potato and cassava chunks with macadamia in coconut milk. The other, called “Chè bánh trôi”, consists of steamed sticky rice balls filled with mashed mung beans, swimming in a fresh ginger sweet syrup. I also couldn’t pass by “Bánh Cam” and “Bánh Giò”. “Bánh Cam” is a deep-fried sticky rice balls, covered with sesame seeds and filled with mashed mung beans and shredded coconut. “Bánh Giò” is a steamed pyramid-shaped rice dumpling wrapped in a banana leaf and stuffed with ground pork, egg, wood ear mushrooms, and chopped onions. The fillings of the sweet soup and savory treats can vary, but they are typically Vietnamese traditional street foods. Sorry, no photos of those as I couldn’t wait to binge on them. The other items I bought were Chinese eggplants and bitter melons. And I didn’t forget to get S coconut soda and his favorite type of bananas, which are thicker and shorter than regular bananas sold at American markets. They have pleasant sweetness and taste smooth and velvety. They don’t get mushy when overripe.
Tue, 7/18/2023- Quick, easy and delicious home-made beef
Didn’t get enough sleep, so felt sluggish throughout the day. Did yoga though. My blood work results showed everything was normal, including the LDL, though it was on the higher side.
In the evening, cooked chuck tender. While this cut of beef is called “tender”, some people find it less so compared to other cuts, which is why they often recommend slow cooking or roasting. However, from my own experience, sauteeing with the right slicing and cooking method works perfectly for this cut of beef. If you ever try Vietnamese legendary beef – which S playfully named for typical tough Vietnamese beef when he first tried it – you will likely agree with me that any part of American beef is tender. Anyway, here is how I prepared and stir-fried beef: First, sliced beef thinly. This process usually involves marinating with crushed ginger for 15 minutes but I skipped it. Next, sautéed crushed onions and garlic, then threw in the thin sliced beef, seasoned it with garlic salt and oyster sauce and cooked over medium-high heat for just 2 minutes. One thing, I cooked the beef in small portions to avoid too much juice coming out, which would otherwise reduce the taste of stir-fry. Then transferred it to a bowl and used the same pan to stir-fry bell peppers with the same ingredients. Once the peppers were done, mixed them in with the beef, tossed in some fresh basil leaves and hot peppers. Voila, ready to eat!
Wed, 7/19/2023 – Chores
Tired and sluggish due to restless sleep. watered the plants and pulled weeds. Loaded and ran the dishwasher, did the laundry, hand-washed the mopping cloth. Made a shopping list for online orders, including cat litter and wet food for Sam. Next, checked leftover supplements to prepare for a refill. Grilled salmon for S but it was too fishy for him. S is a meat and cheese lover, and all kinds of fish, except cod aren’t his friends. Also, he was working and once he gets into it, it’s so difficult to get him to take a break.
Thur, 7/20/2023 – Daily life
Again didn’t get enough sleep. My right knee was hurting. Used the green oil, an oriental remedy, which gave me some comfort. Then, patiently untangled my long frizzy permed hair. Felt good once I finished. Moved on to watching some YouTube videos to learn how to trim gaura plants and style compact Japanese hollies into round bushes. Headed to Rouses to buy oysters, but then I got carried away and bought 10 cans of coconut since they were on sale, $1 each. They had preservatives, which I wasn’t thrilled about, but it was whatever. Back home, reordered my supplements. The lady on the phone took the order with a tired voice, and she didn’t sound interested or engaged. Maybe she wasn’t having a good day. Continued ordering online from the Walmart website and almost ignored changing the shipping address which would otherwise be delivered to MK. In the evening, cooked oyster soup for S, his all-time favorite, hopefully to make him feel better after a sleepless night. Finally, treated myself to steamed blue crabs. There wasn’t much meat and it took ages to finish.
Fri, 7/21/2023 – Chores
Booked an IVF appointment for 9/26. Unfortunately, no earlier appointment available. Then, trimmed azaleas and gauras, fertilized and watered plants. Noticed the bottom part of one bush of ornamental grass was turning yellow, which made me worry it might not survive. Back inside, vacuumed and mopped the downstairs, and ran the dishwasher.
Sat, 7/22 – Daily life
Did yoga, had pork rib noodles for breakfast. Later in the day, went to SSH with S to buy a new main door. The door we wanted in our desired color wasn’t available at the moment, so we got the only one left, which has a vibrant red hue. It’s S’s favorite color. We also picked a glass door, a part of the main door.
Back home, R, our caring neighbor helped us carry the doors to the inside the garage. He’s always there whenever we are in need, even without asking. So grateful to be a neighbor of his and his sweet wife. After a short break, I cut S’s hair, fed Dozer and Sam, then headed to Walmart to pick up stuff. Had a little bump there but handled it well. Back home again, headed to a Chinese buffet restaurant for dinner. I love crawfish, sauteed green beans, shrimp and fried rice there. They have tasty deserts too. I especially like their sponge cake which is pleasantly sweet, soft and flavorful. Unfortunately, S isn’t a fan of a Chinese buffet but he still goes with me, sometimes involuntarily.
Mon, 7/24/2023 – Daily life
Slept restlessly, woke up feeling achy. I used the massage chair for a full 40 minutes, even though the manufacturer recommended only a 15 min session. I even flattened the chair to lie on my chest. Felt so good that I even dozed off while on it.
When I woke up, I felt I was like a whole new person – refreshed and blissful. My muscles had loosened up, and I felt light and at ease. Then I did yoga, focusing on stretching poses and taking deep breaths. It felt amazing – I could sense the blood flowing smoothly throughout my body, and every cell felt invigorated with each move and breath. I finished the session with prayers.
After that, S and I went to Publix to find catnip for Sam. He is very picky on the aroma. It’s been a struggle finding the right one since Walmart stopped selling the one he likes. I had tried a type of catnip mixed with silvervine, which was advertised to attract even the pickiest cat. But he didn’t like it at all. Then S ordered a different brand on Amazon and that didn’t work either. So we went to Public with high hopes that we would be able to find one there. And yes, we finally found SmartyKat Organic Catnip, but we were still nervous about how Sam would react. When we got back home, we attentively watched Sam’s reaction and felt so much relieved when he seemed to like it and became playful again.
At Publix, we also got coffee and kimchi on sale, buy one get one free. It is great because we are running low on coffee and kimchi happens to be my favorite, which isn’t on sale every time I go. We grabbed two bags of New England coffee for $9.99. The names “Darkest before dawn” and “Eyeopener blend” caught my attention. However, I was slightly concerned about “Darkest before dawn” because of the text on the bag which reads “Notes of soft molasses and dark chocolate raisins.” I have no idea how it would taste but I don’t mind trying it. Honestly, though I like coffee, it’s mainly because of the comforting feeling it gives me when I sip it, instead of how sophisticated its flavor might be. S prefers simple, pure dark roast coffee, so this flavor might not be his cup of tea.
In the afternoon, we walked over to R’s garage to take a look at a desk and chair that he said we could take them for free. After considering our space and needs, we decided to pass on them. I don’t know how about you but I always feel uncomfortable when I have to say no to a kind and sincere gesture.
In the evening, I planned to make spaghetti for dinner but found out we were out of spaghetti noodles. The only thing left was lasagna. I decided to use it to make spaghetti. I boiled it and then rolled it up and cut into long strings, resembling spaghetti. I had warned S about this because I didn’t want him to get disappointed when he ate. To my surprise, he enjoyed my improvised spaghetti. He even playfully remarked, “I want lasagna pasta for spaghetti from now on.”
Tue, 7/25/2023 – Chores
Watered the plants, picked dead leaves from the ornamental grass, sprayed fungicide and threw in fertilizer to encourage their growth. It was gratifying to see one bush of ornamental grass showing signs of recovery after I had given it some extra attention. Back inside, thoroughly cleaned bathrooms, using Comet powder, Clorox wipes and paper towels. Then, did two loads of laundry, folded towels, put the dishes away, and cleaned the kitchen.
Taking a break, I treated myself to a delightful glass of milk tea with glass jelly, savoring the refreshing taste. I brewed cold sweet black tea, added milk and condensed milk and dropped in glass jelly. The taste was divine – the cooling flavorful tea blended in the milk with refreshing silky jelly quenched my thirst.
In the evening, made broccoli salad and jalapeno burger for S’s dinner. The salad was a mix of broccoli, carrots, olives, pickled cucumber, jalapenos and onions, all topped with pumpkin seeds and shredded cheddar cheese. The sauce I made for it was a simple blend of crushed fresh garlic, hot peppers, mayonnaise, olive oil, salt and sugar. Well, honey would be much better but I was out of it. The burger was stuffed with crushed jalapenos and cheddar cheese with the steak seasoning.
Fri, 7/28/2023 – Small mishap
Did yoga, cleaned Sam’s box before he would be mad at me as he doesn’t like a stinky box. Then watered grass but forgot to turn off the valve. Thought the water had been running for almost one hour. The water bill this month would not be fun. I usually set the alarm, but this time forgot to do that. Sometimes my memory isn’t good.
Last night, I watched a really captivating movie “Believe me: the abduction of Lisa McVey“. The movie revolves around Lisa, a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is kidnapped and repeatedly raped by a serial killer but has safely returned home thanks to her incredible resourcefulness. When the little girl tells the family the ordeal she has been through, they ignore it, cruelly accusing her of lying. It is disheartening when even the police dismiss her account as a mere figment of her imagination. Nobody believes her as her exceptional intelligence, remarkable calmness and keen powers of observation, which have helped her survive, are beyond belief. Her efforts of convincing others of her account seems to reach a dead end until one detective believes it, and that’s when the brutal crime starts to unfold.
Thanks to Lisa’s incredible powers of observation and strategic behaviors, the police are able to identify her kidnapper and also recognize this man is a rapist-murderer that they have been hotly pursuing. Despite her hands being restrained, she has skillfully attempted to touch the man’s face, hair and cheeks to remember his features, which later helps the police precisely draw a portrait of the criminal. Though she is blindfolded, she has managed to leave traces of fingerprints, hair and blood at the place where she stays. She catches glimpses of the kidnapper’s house and car as well as the road signs. She also sniffs the scent of his body and the things around her. She listens intently to the surroundings. She has masterfully used all her senses to gather evidence. With her extraordinary attention to detail, the kidnapper is arrested. Also her grand mother’s live-in boyfriend is also apprehended for his sexual assault on her.
It is inspiring to know that the movie is based on a true story and the survivor, Lisa McVey later became a police officer in real life. The movie evokes a plethora of thoughts and emotions in me. I’m amazed by her ingenuity, especially her wit in calming down the kidnapper’s anger and madness and awakening compassion and understanding within him. I’m genuinely encouraged when Lisa looks at herself in the mirror and tells herself ‘not to give up,’ as she knows things can be worse. It’s a strong reminder for me to remain resilient and composed in the face of challenges. I’m moved by her profound love for her sister, the only family member who cares for her, when she tells the kidnapper that she doesn’t have any siblings, all to protect her sister. And it’s heart-wrenching when she asks her grandmother, “Why didn’t you protect me?” as she leaves her grandmother’s house and her grandmother sits on the couch, coldly staring away with an angered expression.” No matter how brave and intelligent she is, the 17-year-old girl still seems so vulnerable when facing the harsh reality of being unloved within her own family.
Begin life at forty 