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  • Routine, F110422

    PM:

    3:13: Made a pot of black tea

    3:23: Unloaded the dishwasher

    3:45: Vacuumed the first floor

    5:37: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

    5:53: Cooked dinner

    7:38: Cleaned the kitchen

  • Silence is not a punishment

    She doesn’t feel care or attention from him.

    She feels like she’s not his motivation anymore, but a sack of burden, an irritating eyesore and the cause of all of his discomfort instead.

    They are living in two different worlds where his or her concerns aren’t their concerns. She has been in pain emotionally and physically but she doesn’t think he is sensible to what she’s been going through. He’s busy all the time; she looks healthy and her inside injury is unseen.

    They should be open to each other about their thoughts, she knows that but this is not the time. There are moments when, whatever she does, it always fails though it comes with a good intention. There are moments when silence is better than words, when doing nothing means doing something. When there are moments like this, coming back to her inner-self is all she longs for.

    Silence is not victim playing. She is a victim of her self loathing because she lets the feelings of disappointment, frustration, misery and pessimism take control of her, eating her from inside. She has been taught not to react to an attack with an attack back but she’s still struggling to not react to her own inner negative emotions induced by the occurrence. She is silent because she’s suffering and needs time to heal.

    Silence is not avoidance. She doesn’t mind a face-to-face conversation but after enough talks she understands that the difference in some of their thoughts and perceptions is unchangeable. Her silence means acceptance which is the best she can do for herself and their relationship right now.

    Silence is not a punishment but a defense mechanism instead. She doesn’t allow herself to hurt anyone in any form, especially slinging mean words because she deeply understands they have the power to shatter a person’s soul. She will choose silence to create her boundary when dealing with someone’s disrespect rather than throwing it back at them. In that boundary, she feels safe and grounded. A few times, she yelled at him when she was triggered or had bad anxiety; she felt so bad about herself after that. She didn’t feel wrong but she hated herself when losing self-control.

  • Food for Thought (2)

    Source: Ageless Wisdom by J.S. Felts, and the Internet, especially Reddit. Great thanks to the authors and all those who have generously shared these wonderful quotes.

    —————–

    68. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.

    – Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825

    69. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

    – Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825

    70. It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person and to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in in the right way – that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.

    – Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

    71. Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.

    – Lyman Abbott, The Christian Union, 11 Sept 188

    72. Emotions, without knowledge, is dangerous

    – J.S.Felts

    73. A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice

    – Edgar Watson Howe, Plain People

    74. Knowledge is the antidote to fear

    – Ralph Waido Emerson, “Society”, Society and Solitude

    75. Those who fear nothing, love nothing.

    – Saying

    76. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear

    – Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

    77. The less you respond to negativity, the more peaceful your life becomes.

    78. Grief is itself a medicine.

    – William Cowper, “Charity”, Poems

    79. He that lacks time to mourn lacks time to mend.

    – Henry Taylor, Philip Van Artevelde

    80. I look at what I have not and think myself unhappy; others look at what I have and think me happy.

    – Joseph Roux, Meditations of a Parish Priest

    81. If people only wanted to be happy it would be very easy; but they want to be happier than other people, and this is almost always difficult, because we imagine other people happier than they really are.

    – Charles de Montesquieu, quoted in Montesquieu (1888) by Albert Sorel

    82. Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.

    83. Who does not thank for little will not thank for much

    – Estonian Proverb

    84. It takes less time to do a thing right, than to explain why you did it wrong.

    – Saying

    85. Never be so brief as to become obscure.

    – Tryon Edwards, A Dictionary of Thoughts

    86. They may forget what you said and they may even forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

    – Saying

    87. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

    – George S. Patton, War As I Knew it

    88. If you command wisely, you’ll be obeyed cheerfully.

    – Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia

    89. A leader is always learning. He understands everyone has something to teach him.

    – J.S. Felts

    90. A leader is not ruled by his emotions, yet he is not without passion.

    – J.S. Felts

    91. Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.

    – William Arthur Ward

    92. There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.

    – G.K. Chesterton, Charles Dickens

    93. Better to measure ten times and cut once, than measure once and cut ten times.

    – Saying

    94. In everything you do, consider the end.

    – Saying

    95. Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, that they understand everything too soon.

    – Alexander Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects

    96. The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do, and get a record of successful experiences behind you.

    – William Jennings Bryan

    97. Until you learn to control your emotions, you will never control your life.

    – J.S. Felts

    98. He is happy, whose circumstances suit his temper; but he is more excellent, who can suit his temper to any circumstances.

    – David Hume, Moral Philosophy

    99. He who requires much from himself and little from others, will keep himself from being the object of resentment.

    – Confucius, Analects

    100. Where it is in our power to do a thing, it is equally in our power to abstain from doing it.

    – Robert Browning, “Bishop Blougram’s Apology”, Men and Women

    101. Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better.

    – Richard Hooker, quoted in A Dictionary of the English Language (1755)

    102. To do two things at once is to do neither.

    – Publilius Syrus, Sententiae

    103. The point of an argument isn’t to find a winner, it is to find the truth. (Me: It is to understand each other and each other’s thoughts on the matter.)

    104. Even in the chaos of everyday life, moments of gratitude remind us to hold on to the good things.

    105. Remember that what you now have once among the things you only hoped for.

    106. Happiness is not having what you want. It is appreciative what you have.

    107. Be a kind person. Yes, even to jerks. Let them be a jerk. You be a kind person.

    108. Respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them.

    109. The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.

    110. Maturity begins when you can be right without having to prove the other person wrong.

  • Routine, T102722

    PM:

    1:09: Emailed the nurse

    1:26: Mailed a letter

    2:11: Cleaned S’s office for painting (dusted the wall and wiped the baseboards)

    2:45: Ordered meds

    3:00: Pre-ordered groceries online

    4:49: Cooked dinner & cleaned the kitchen

  • Routine, T102522

    PM:

    2:53: Unloaded the dishwasher

    3:20: Tidied up the living/dining area, paid a bill

    4:06: Did the laundry & ran the dryer

    4:28: Vacuumed and mopped the multi-purpose room floor

    7:08: Prepped shrimp

  • Routine, F102122

    PM:

    2:29: Ran the dishwasher

    2:41: Tidied up the living/dining area and vacuumed

    4:18: Cut pineapples and boiled chicken

    4:54: Did the laundry

    7:10: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

  • Tue, 10/18/2022

    To do:

    • Contact the insurance company
    • Pay the bills
    • Vacuum
    • Water grass
    • Oder curtains for S’s office
    • Cook stroganoff
  • Food for thought (1)

    We have a glass bowl storing my handwritten pieces of wisdom quotes that I compiled from books, websites, online forums, etc. We call it food for thought, which reminds us of staying on track.

    Every morning before going to work, S picks a random quote, reads it out and I silently wait for what he will say. He usually says shortly like “good!” or “I like it!”. Our handsome cat, Sam always interrupts his breakfast in order to join the routine that we have been doing for the past 2 years.

    One time, S was reading “If we encounter a man of rare intellect”, then he stopped abruptly and exclaimed “Me!”. The other half of the quote is “we should ask him what books he reads.” There was a pause of silence, the vacant look on S’s face revealed his stumped mind, which made me burst into laughter. I watched as he frantically rummaged his brain for the name of a book and finally said with levity, “The Three bears.” LOL!!!

    Here is the list of our favorite quotes:

    1. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.
    2. Every person that you meet knows something you don’t; learn from them.
    3. Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.
    4. Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.
    5. So go on, get angry. But keep your mouth shut and go do your work.
    6. There is no way to peace, peace is the way.
    7. The secret to being productive is to work on the right thing – even if it’s at a slow pace.
    8. When things change inside you, things change around you.
    9. Who locks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.
    10. Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.
    11. Think for yourself, not of yourself. Think of others, not for others.
    12. The intelligent come to know the world. The wise come to know themselves.
    13. To study Buddhism is to study ourselves. To study ourselves is to forget ourselves.
    14. Courage is knowing what not to fear.
    15. To live happily is an inward power of the soul.
    16. Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.
    17. Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.
    18. I’d rather be the most helpful guy in the room than the smartest guy in the room.
    19. The greatest challenge is to control oneself.
    20. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
    21. Even if it’s hard, even if it’s boring, do the right thing.
    22. Take a rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
    23. Almost everybody can stay excited for 2 or 3 months. A few can stay excited for 2 or 3 months but a winner will stay excited for 30 years or however long it takes to win.
    24. Be a good person, but don’t waste your time trying to prove it.
    25. Live your life in such a way that you neither hide nor have a wish to display your life to people.
    26. You can’t enjoy wealth if you’re not in good health.
    27. One who approaches life with force surely gets something. One who remains content where he is surely gets everything.
    28. Do at least one task you don’t want to do everyday.
    29. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
    30. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
    31. Sleep is the best meditation.
    32. Management is telling other what to do. Leadership is making them want to do it.
    33. Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.
    34. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
    35. Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
    36. Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace.
    37. Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.
    38. Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.
    39. A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live.
    40. No one cares what you can do. Everyone cares what you can do for them.
    41. A great man is always willing to be little.
    42. Only make decisions that support your self-image, self-esteem, ad self-worth.
    43. Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.
    44. I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you.
    45. Remain calm in every situation because peace equals power.
    46. Maturity is the ability to postpone gratification.
    47. I learned how to be happy because I know what unhappiness felt like.
    48. Bored people expects. Wise people accept.
    49. Focus on being productive instead of busy.
    50. Life is not a test of intelligence, it’s a test of perseverance.
    51. It is good to have a goal, but bad to let your goal have you. Focus is good, but focus that is too narrow becomes blindness.
    52. Sometimes a man has to be big enough to know just how small he is.
    53. Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.
    54. It doesn’t matter what you bear, but how you bear it.
    55. We don’t mature through age; we mature in awareness.
    56. Patience is not passive, on the contrary it is concentrated strength.
    57. Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.
    58. What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.
    59. Respect is how to treat everyone, not just those you want to impress.
    60. If you remove pride from the equation, mistakes are simple accelerated learning.
    61. Ego is false confidence, self-respect is true confidence.
    62. The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.
    63. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.
    64. Man conquers the world by conquering himself.
    65. Self-knowledge is the first step to maturity.
    66. If you don’t give yourself a break, how can you expect other people to give you one?
    67. Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something.
  • Thu, 10/13/2022

    To do:

    • clean Sam’s litter box
    • clean the windows
    • clean the 1/2 bathroom
    • declutter the house
    • put dishes away
    • fold clothes
    • do the laundry
    • order Tru niagen
    • make a grocery list
  • August ramblings, 2022

    ​​Tues, 08/02/2022 – Memory of first-time skiing

    I went skiing for the first time at Taos Ski Valley a few years ago on Thanksgiving (and probably would be my last time). I am a pretty safety-conscious person and I always try to maintain balance. I tend to avoid any kind of risk that might lead to something unexpected, which could compromise those values. The skiing was fun yet scary and the most challenging thing for me was to stay balanced.

    When I stood in a pair of super heavy, tight boots hooked to skis – two hard, narrow strips, I felt I got locked and extremely awkward on my “new feet”. Even though I had a 3-hour lesson with an instructor and S’s help, I kept falling frequently because I couldn’t shake off my fear of falling. I couldn’t let down my guard to relax and unwind. I had no control over my movements. My fear took over and my body became tense, rigid, and uncoordinated. The more I tried to maintain balance, the worse it got.  

    Wed, 08/03/2022 – VN store shopping and Annual medical check-up

    I’m feeling really down. Like I’m stuck in a rut. My disappointment is just getting bigger and bigger, but I’m not sure talking about it will make me feel any better. It’s a dilemma of life that sometimes things that seem small or taken for granted by some people are huge wishes or unattainable dream for others.

    I wish I could’ve scheduled the appointment for biometric screening and blood tests earlier but the earliest that I could make was at 11:30 am. And I had to fast the night before after my dinner. I couldn’t stop thinking of food while in the waiting room. Morning is my usual eating time. I don’t need a huge breakfast, but I gotta have something. Thankfully the appointment was quick and as soon as I left, I immediately headed to a Vietnamese store.  

    In the store, there was so much delicious food that I just wanted to buy everything. I ended up getting 10 yellow mangoes, 6 banh bao (steamed pork buns), 1 sticky rice roll filled with black bean and banana wrapped in banana leaves, 1 stuffed sticky rice pyramid-shaped dumpling, 2 sponge cakes, 2 cups of sweet soup and fresh coconut jelly, a bag of dried squid, two duck baluts, a bunch of bananas, bamboos, fresh herbs and the list goes on. One more thing I had to mention is I also bought 1 lb of thit heo quay (crispy roast pork), my favorite which I hadn’t had in years. I excitedly shared it with S, being confident he would like it. But nope, he just ate a few pieces. That was surprising as he typically likes pork belly, either tender or crunchy, but when this specialty could give him both, he didn’t like it.

    At 9:40 pm, I felt hungry again but I knew it was just a craving. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar, cholesterol and carbs for the past few days. I decided to go to bed instead.

    The next morning, I cleaned out the garage and took the trash can to the curb, but then remembered it wasn’t trash day. It was 6:30 am and I wanted to go back to sleep but I had to prepare for my annual checkup at 8:30 am. I relaxed in the tub, reading some stuff on my phone while waiting for my face and hair to fully absorb masks, then showered, got dressed and left home at 8:15 am. My car was low on gas but I didn’t stop to fill up cause I was running late and just wanted to get straight to the doctor’s office.

    The visit went well. All of my markers are good which is great since my glucose level was a bit high a few months ago. I paid $150 for a vitamin D test as well though it wasn’t required by the health promotion program; hopefully in case its result isn’t good, it won’t affect our goal to save over $3k/year on health insurance. I’ve been taking one prenatal vitamin daily which contains 2000 IU of vitamin D, as recommended by my IVF doctor, but I want to make sure my body is absorbing vitamin D tablets as effectively as the liquid. In the past, only liquid vitamin D repaired my deficiency. I also got the HbA1c test which I hadnt known was for diabetes until a nurse told me when she took my blood. I don’t think I need this test but S definitely does. He’s sugar-addicted. It’s scary to have diabetes and I’m worried his test result will be abnormal. But I hope that won’t be the case. Separately, one coworker S shared the workspace with got COVID, I hope S doesn’t get infected.

    Update: Got the vitamin D test result, 32 ng/mL, normal in the range between 30-100 ng/mL.

    Sun, 08/07/2022

    I will change. I’ll be different. 

    ….

    Went to Lowe’s and bought one arborvitae and one Japanese holly. 

    Sat, 08/06/2022Therapeutic incense

    Slept a lot. Felt overwhelmingly anxious in the evening. Listened to hypnosis to calm down. It helped. 

    Went back to the hippie store at a flea market to buy non-synthetic incense but they didn’t have any. The store was almost empty and the shelves which uses to be fully stocked with incense were gone. The shop owner (I guessed) told us to check row A where we might find what I was looking for. There was only one small incense store in row A with a limited selection and none of them were 100% natural. I ended up buying three packs of hand-rolled Satya incense: Sacred ritual, Traditional ayurveda and Karma. Though Satya incense has synthetic fragrance oil, I love its smell which is very relaxing and soothing and it is much better than unbearably strong hand-dipped incense. 

    I really miss living in Taos, where I found a lot of of pure, natural, non-toxic incense from world famous producers in Japan, India, Nepal, Bhutan, and Mexico. The spicy, woody, earthy fragrances in the incense by Tara, Nado and Shoyeido were so therapeutic, which helped me be grounded and centered. What I liked most about Shoyeido’s is the transparent information on the packages including detailed ingredients and the clear statement “non-synthetic”. I know synthetic isn’t always bad but I like when the information is as clear as possible.