PM:
3:13: Made a pot of black tea
3:23: Unloaded the dishwasher
3:45: Vacuumed the first floor
5:37: Cleaned Sam’s litter box
5:53: Cooked dinner
7:38: Cleaned the kitchen


PM:
3:13: Made a pot of black tea
3:23: Unloaded the dishwasher
3:45: Vacuumed the first floor
5:37: Cleaned Sam’s litter box
5:53: Cooked dinner
7:38: Cleaned the kitchen


She doesn’t feel care or attention from him.
She feels like she’s not his motivation anymore, but a sack of burden, an irritating eyesore and the cause of all of his discomfort instead.
They are living in two different worlds where his or her concerns aren’t their concerns. She has been in pain emotionally and physically but she doesn’t think he is sensible to what she’s been going through. He’s busy all the time; she looks healthy and her inside injury is unseen.
They should be open to each other about their thoughts, she knows that but this is not the time. There are moments when, whatever she does, it always fails though it comes with a good intention. There are moments when silence is better than words, when doing nothing means doing something. When there are moments like this, coming back to her inner-self is all she longs for.
Silence is not victim playing. She is a victim of her self loathing because she lets the feelings of disappointment, frustration, misery and pessimism take control of her, eating her from inside. She has been taught not to react to an attack with an attack back but she’s still struggling to not react to her own inner negative emotions induced by the occurrence. She is silent because she’s suffering and needs time to heal.
Silence is not avoidance. She doesn’t mind a face-to-face conversation but after enough talks she understands that the difference in some of their thoughts and perceptions is unchangeable. Her silence means acceptance which is the best she can do for herself and their relationship right now.
Silence is not a punishment but a defense mechanism instead. She doesn’t allow herself to hurt anyone in any form, especially slinging mean words because she deeply understands they have the power to shatter a person’s soul. She will choose silence to create her boundary when dealing with someone’s disrespect rather than throwing it back at them. In that boundary, she feels safe and grounded. A few times, she yelled at him when she was triggered or had bad anxiety; she felt so bad about herself after that. She didn’t feel wrong but she hated herself when losing self-control.

Source: Ageless Wisdom by J.S. Felts, and the Internet, especially Reddit. Great thanks to the authors and all those who have generously shared these wonderful quotes.
—————–
68. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825
69. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.
– Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825
70. It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person and to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in in the right way – that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.
– Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics
71. Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.
– Lyman Abbott, The Christian Union, 11 Sept 188
72. Emotions, without knowledge, is dangerous
– J.S.Felts
73. A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice
– Edgar Watson Howe, Plain People
74. Knowledge is the antidote to fear
– Ralph Waido Emerson, “Society”, Society and Solitude
75. Those who fear nothing, love nothing.
– Saying
76. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear
– Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson
77. The less you respond to negativity, the more peaceful your life becomes.
78. Grief is itself a medicine.
– William Cowper, “Charity”, Poems
79. He that lacks time to mourn lacks time to mend.
– Henry Taylor, Philip Van Artevelde
80. I look at what I have not and think myself unhappy; others look at what I have and think me happy.
– Joseph Roux, Meditations of a Parish Priest
81. If people only wanted to be happy it would be very easy; but they want to be happier than other people, and this is almost always difficult, because we imagine other people happier than they really are.
– Charles de Montesquieu, quoted in Montesquieu (1888) by Albert Sorel
82. Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.
83. Who does not thank for little will not thank for much
– Estonian Proverb
84. It takes less time to do a thing right, than to explain why you did it wrong.
– Saying
85. Never be so brief as to become obscure.
– Tryon Edwards, A Dictionary of Thoughts
86. They may forget what you said and they may even forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.
– Saying
87. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
– George S. Patton, War As I Knew it
88. If you command wisely, you’ll be obeyed cheerfully.
– Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia
89. A leader is always learning. He understands everyone has something to teach him.
– J.S. Felts
90. A leader is not ruled by his emotions, yet he is not without passion.
– J.S. Felts
91. Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.
– William Arthur Ward
92. There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.
– G.K. Chesterton, Charles Dickens
93. Better to measure ten times and cut once, than measure once and cut ten times.
– Saying
94. In everything you do, consider the end.
– Saying
95. Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, that they understand everything too soon.
– Alexander Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects
96. The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do, and get a record of successful experiences behind you.
– William Jennings Bryan
97. Until you learn to control your emotions, you will never control your life.
– J.S. Felts
98. He is happy, whose circumstances suit his temper; but he is more excellent, who can suit his temper to any circumstances.
– David Hume, Moral Philosophy
99. He who requires much from himself and little from others, will keep himself from being the object of resentment.
– Confucius, Analects
100. Where it is in our power to do a thing, it is equally in our power to abstain from doing it.
– Robert Browning, “Bishop Blougram’s Apology”, Men and Women
101. Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better.
– Richard Hooker, quoted in A Dictionary of the English Language (1755)
102. To do two things at once is to do neither.
– Publilius Syrus, Sententiae
103. The point of an argument isn’t to find a winner, it is to find the truth. (Me: It is to understand each other and each other’s thoughts on the matter.)
104. Even in the chaos of everyday life, moments of gratitude remind us to hold on to the good things.
105. Remember that what you now have once among the things you only hoped for.
106. Happiness is not having what you want. It is appreciative what you have.
107. Be a kind person. Yes, even to jerks. Let them be a jerk. You be a kind person.
108. Respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them.
109. The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
110. Maturity begins when you can be right without having to prove the other person wrong.

PM:
1:09: Emailed the nurse
1:26: Mailed a letter
2:11: Cleaned S’s office for painting (dusted the wall and wiped the baseboards)
2:45: Ordered meds
3:00: Pre-ordered groceries online
4:49: Cooked dinner & cleaned the kitchen

PM:
2:53: Unloaded the dishwasher
3:20: Tidied up the living/dining area, paid a bill
4:06: Did the laundry & ran the dryer
4:28: Vacuumed and mopped the multi-purpose room floor
7:08: Prepped shrimp


PM:
2:29: Ran the dishwasher
2:41: Tidied up the living/dining area and vacuumed
4:18: Cut pineapples and boiled chicken
4:54: Did the laundry
7:10: Cleaned Sam’s litter box



To do:



To do:

Tues, 08/02/2022 – Memory of first-time skiing
I went skiing for the first time at Taos Ski Valley a few years ago on Thanksgiving (and probably would be my last time). I am a pretty safety-conscious person and I always try to maintain balance. I tend to avoid any kind of risk that might lead to something unexpected, which could compromise those values. The skiing was fun yet scary and the most challenging thing for me was to stay balanced.
When I stood in a pair of super heavy, tight boots hooked to skis – two hard, narrow strips, I felt I got locked and extremely awkward on my “new feet”. Even though I had a 3-hour lesson with an instructor and S’s help, I kept falling frequently because I couldn’t shake off my fear of falling. I couldn’t let down my guard to relax and unwind. I had no control over my movements. My fear took over and my body became tense, rigid, and uncoordinated. The more I tried to maintain balance, the worse it got.


…
Wed, 08/03/2022 – VN store shopping and Annual medical check-up
I’m feeling really down. Like I’m stuck in a rut. My disappointment is just getting bigger and bigger, but I’m not sure talking about it will make me feel any better. It’s a dilemma of life that sometimes things that seem small or taken for granted by some people are huge wishes or unattainable dream for others.
I wish I could’ve scheduled the appointment for biometric screening and blood tests earlier but the earliest that I could make was at 11:30 am. And I had to fast the night before after my dinner. I couldn’t stop thinking of food while in the waiting room. Morning is my usual eating time. I don’t need a huge breakfast, but I gotta have something. Thankfully the appointment was quick and as soon as I left, I immediately headed to a Vietnamese store.
In the store, there was so much delicious food that I just wanted to buy everything. I ended up getting 10 yellow mangoes, 6 banh bao (steamed pork buns), 1 sticky rice roll filled with black bean and banana wrapped in banana leaves, 1 stuffed sticky rice pyramid-shaped dumpling, 2 sponge cakes, 2 cups of sweet soup and fresh coconut jelly, a bag of dried squid, two duck baluts, a bunch of bananas, bamboos, fresh herbs and the list goes on. One more thing I had to mention is I also bought 1 lb of thit heo quay (crispy roast pork), my favorite which I hadn’t had in years. I excitedly shared it with S, being confident he would like it. But nope, he just ate a few pieces. That was surprising as he typically likes pork belly, either tender or crunchy, but when this specialty could give him both, he didn’t like it.
At 9:40 pm, I felt hungry again but I knew it was just a craving. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar, cholesterol and carbs for the past few days. I decided to go to bed instead.
The next morning, I cleaned out the garage and took the trash can to the curb, but then remembered it wasn’t trash day. It was 6:30 am and I wanted to go back to sleep but I had to prepare for my annual checkup at 8:30 am. I relaxed in the tub, reading some stuff on my phone while waiting for my face and hair to fully absorb masks, then showered, got dressed and left home at 8:15 am. My car was low on gas but I didn’t stop to fill up cause I was running late and just wanted to get straight to the doctor’s office.
The visit went well. All of my markers are good which is great since my glucose level was a bit high a few months ago. I paid $150 for a vitamin D test as well though it wasn’t required by the health promotion program; hopefully in case its result isn’t good, it won’t affect our goal to save over $3k/year on health insurance. I’ve been taking one prenatal vitamin daily which contains 2000 IU of vitamin D, as recommended by my IVF doctor, but I want to make sure my body is absorbing vitamin D tablets as effectively as the liquid. In the past, only liquid vitamin D repaired my deficiency. I also got the HbA1c test which I hadnt known was for diabetes until a nurse told me when she took my blood. I don’t think I need this test but S definitely does. He’s sugar-addicted. It’s scary to have diabetes and I’m worried his test result will be abnormal. But I hope that won’t be the case. Separately, one coworker S shared the workspace with got COVID, I hope S doesn’t get infected.
Update: Got the vitamin D test result, 32 ng/mL, normal in the range between 30-100 ng/mL.

Sun, 08/07/2022
I will change. I’ll be different.
….
Went to Lowe’s and bought one arborvitae and one Japanese holly.
Sat, 08/06/2022 – Therapeutic incense
Slept a lot. Felt overwhelmingly anxious in the evening. Listened to hypnosis to calm down. It helped.
Went back to the hippie store at a flea market to buy non-synthetic incense but they didn’t have any. The store was almost empty and the shelves which uses to be fully stocked with incense were gone. The shop owner (I guessed) told us to check row A where we might find what I was looking for. There was only one small incense store in row A with a limited selection and none of them were 100% natural. I ended up buying three packs of hand-rolled Satya incense: Sacred ritual, Traditional ayurveda and Karma. Though Satya incense has synthetic fragrance oil, I love its smell which is very relaxing and soothing and it is much better than unbearably strong hand-dipped incense.
I really miss living in Taos, where I found a lot of of pure, natural, non-toxic incense from world famous producers in Japan, India, Nepal, Bhutan, and Mexico. The spicy, woody, earthy fragrances in the incense by Tara, Nado and Shoyeido were so therapeutic, which helped me be grounded and centered. What I liked most about Shoyeido’s is the transparent information on the packages including detailed ingredients and the clear statement “non-synthetic”. I know synthetic isn’t always bad but I like when the information is as clear as possible.
