Begin life at forty

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  • Chewy Bun Bo Hue and IVF treatment plan in Vietnam

    Sat, Jan 07, 2022

    ​It’d been a while since we’d last been to a Vietnamese restaurant, so I was excited to go last weekend. However, upon entering the restaurant named in Vietnamese, I noticed that the decoration was not traditional Vietnamese. The tall statues at the entrance and the burgundy tablecloths gave the impression that​ the​ restaurant’s décor was Thai-inspired. The waitresses were also not Vietnamese. Upon looking at the menu, I realized that the restaurant serves not only Vietnamese dishes from Vietnam but also foods from Laos and Thailand.

    We ordered spring rolls and crispy wonton as appetizers. For the entrees, I had a special bowl of Pho, a national dish made with spiced beef broth, thin slices of beef, and herbs, and S had Bun Bo Hue, a spicy noodle soup specialty originated from the ancient royal city of Hue. While Bun Bo Hue’s broth tasted good, the meat was so tough and rubbery that S was unable to eat. It was even tough for me though my Vietnamese mouth is familiar with chewy food. I had to cut the meat into small pieces to be able to chew it. 

    It’s hard to find a traditional atmosphere at Vietnamese restaurants in our area, but we’ll try a different one next time, and see if we get lucky

    My home-made Pho:

    Wed, Jan 11, 2022

    ​My period is coming if it follows the calendar. But the waiting is exhausting. I half hope for a miracle but remind myself to be practical. Life is never easy and 2023 will be a stressful and challenging year for me.

    ​S has never agreed with my idea to have IVF treatment in VN. One of his reasons is concern that medical practices might not be as strict as they are in the US. This could cause mistakes, affecting the baby’s health. However, I think the real reason for his disagreement is that he simply doesn’t want me to be away from home for too long. Medical practices shouldn’t be his concern as I believe in the expertise of Vietnamese IVF doctors. Also, with my experiences in doing IVF in the US, I am confident I’ll be able to oversee the treatment process there on my own. 

    I had intended to have a heart-to-heart talk with him about this, not long after the New Year’s celebration. But the thought of having this talk was enough to make me overwhelmed as I have never been good at persuading people to agree with me, especially on ideas mainly based on emotions and personalities. I knew I had to be patient, waiting for the appropriate time but it was hard to shake the heavy feeling in my heart whenever that thought came across my mind. At times, when the stress became too much, especially during the time before my period, I couldn’t resist telling him I am going to VN no matter what.

    One day, while on the phone with him, I brought my plan up again and surprisingly, he asked, “Will my two-week stay in VN be long enough for the treatment?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was on board with my plan without a big talk between us. At that moment, I felt a great sense of relief and gratitude. S has always been with me as a supportive and protective knight, caring for me in my most difficult times. He may not always agree with my ideas or thoughts but he will ultimately support what I want to do. Despite differences between us, his commitment to taking care of me and our marriage through tough times has never wavered.

  • Routine – Mon010923

    To do:

    – Cook pork steaks and spicy Italian sausage, and clean the kitchen

    – Clean the shared bathroom and the half bathroom

    – Wash Dozer’s bed sheets

    – Clean S’s office

    – Sort out unused clothes and give them away, and return an Amazon product

    – Pay bills, check the patient calendar, examine the insurance-covered bills and plan a medical trip to VN

  • Happy birthday!

    In previous years, I gave S handmade clothes as gifts for his birthday. I usually made these for this occasion and Christmas. Though my sewing skills have been better overtime, it has always been time-consuming and frustrating to complete these projects. Last year, I hadn’t finished a shirt until late in the afternoon of his birthday and had to rush out to Publix to buy flowers, a cake and foods for the party while he waited at home. This year, I decided not to sew a gift for his birthday, which made me quite relaxed thinking it would save me a lot of time and work but it didn’t actually.

    Since I had already bought him a lot of gifts for Christmas, which is close to his birthday, I was running out of gift ideas. I know he likes a BMW. Well, he will have to wait until I win a lottery ticket.

    With the help of online recommendations, I had a list of gift and food ideas that would hopefully make his birthday memorable and special.

    I went to Dollar Tree to buy ribbons, a large plastic bag, a gift holder, and red and blue confetti. I bought 2 baking foil pans and used them as a gift basket instead of a real basket because they were cheap and I could use them later.

    The basket had the gifts that S likes (snacks/drinks) or may need (pens, a lamp for his office desk or garage work). S especially likes me to massage him, so I included coupons for hand and foot massage and facial exfoliation that vary in length from 7 mins to 20 mins.

    The gift basket specifically included:

    • 1 can of antioxidant sparkling water
    • 1 bottle of electrolyte beverage Gatorlyte
    • 1 package of M&M
    • 1 bag of cheese straws
    • 1 bag of spicy BBQ pork skins
    • 1 pack of ballpoint pens
    • 1 USB-charged lamp
    • 1 Buddha-shaped incense holder
    • 1 box of 24 massage tickets and coupons

    Then I cooked him a party dinner including strawberry lemon juice, pan-fried scallops and deep-fried, flour-coated shrimp with grilled pineapple as appetizers, ricotta-stuffed pasta in garlic herb tomato sauce as the entrée with garlic butter sourdough bread, oyster soup and broccoli salad as side dishes.

    The party was a great success, but it left me with a messy kitchen and dining table to clean up afterwards. S offered to help me clean but I didn’t let him to because it was his birthday.

    When I gave S 24 tickets, I thought I would massage him twice a month. But he has already used 3 tickets in 3 days in a row.

  • Failed IVF – Round 2

    10/6/2022: Post-Round 1 visit

    Free of charge

    The appointment turned out well, much better than I thought. It was the first time I had ever felt care and attention from my RE, whom I had previously been nervous, anxious and stressed about.

    I had excitedly wished to see her at first. I had hoped the visit would tell us more about what happened to our Round 1, what else we needed to do to better prepare for Round 2, and clear information on the protocol to follow for that round. However, I had lost my enthusiasm for the appointment after waiting for a month. Moreover, during that time, I had already started taking birth control pills as directed by the nurse in preparation for the stimulation phase of Round 2. (I was unsure if it was a good idea for me to take birth control pills for an extended period of time at my age.) But surprisingly, the appointment ended up going well.

    This time, instead of injecting various drugs with doses adjusted as needed, I would only be using Gonal F for stimulation, Lupron for ovulation suppression and a trigger shot. The doctor would not be adjusting doses; she explained that if my body responds poorly to the drugs, increasing the amount would not be very effective.

    During the appointment, the doctor seemed surprised when I mentioned that in a few days it would have been 41 days since I started taking birth control pills. Answering my concern if it was ok to take the pills for that long, she assured me that it was not a problem. I had also asked the nurse about this before and received the same assurance.

    We left the clinic, feeling more positive about our next treatment.

    10/20/2022: Baseline ultrasound and labs for Round 2

    19 follicles (11 left, 8 right)

    Lab tests showed normal results.

    Stimulation Phase

    Day 1 (10/20/2022): Took Lupron (40 units) at 8:30 pm.

    Day 2 (10/21/2022): 225 units of Gonal F (x2) and 20 units of Lupron (x2) at 5AM and 8:30 PM.

    Day 3 (10/22/2022): Same time; accidentally took extra 75 units of Gonal F. The nurse instructed to subtract that amount from the PM dose.

    Day 4 (10/23/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 5 (10/24/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 6 (10/25/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Got the first ultrasound, showing 8 follicles (6.5-9.5mm). Sad!

    Day 6 (10/26/2022): Same dosages, got injections 30 mins late in the evening.

    Day 7 (10/27/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 8 (10/28/2022): Same dosages, same time

    The ultrasound showed a 25.7mm cyst on the right ovary; as well as 3 follicles (15.7mm and 13.7mm on the left, and 12.7mm on the right) and 2 small follicles (8.6mm and 6.3mm). So sad!

    Day 8.5 (10/29/2022): Same dosages, same time for the AM dose

    The nurse called me and said my progesterone were elevated, so I would not be receiving any more stimulation injections. Instead, I was to take a trigger shot at 10:30 PM that night.

    In Round 1, I had used the trigger shot Pregnyl, but this time I chose Novarel, even though it was more expensive, in the hope of getting a better result. Each box of Novarel comes with one vial of 5000 units of powder and one vial of bacteriostatic water. I bought 4 boxes, 20,000 units in total.

    To ensure that we were not rushed while administering a new drug, we began preparing 45 mins before the scheduled injection time. To administer 10,000 units, I would need 2 vials of powder. S diluted one vial of powder with 1cc of water, then injected the mixture into the other vial of powder and swirled it to dissolve the medication. Next, he drew the resulting solution into a syringe and replaced the needle with a smaller one, 27Gx1/2″. The prepared syringe was then placed in the fridge until injection.

    Mon, 10/31/2022: Egg Retrieval

    Procedure time: 9:30 AM

    We were required to be at the hospital 2 hours before the procedure for admission registration, medical history checking, and pre-surgical instructions, etc.

    2 eggs were retrieved (…) – I was at a loss for words to describe my feeling.

    Tue, 11/1/2022: Zero embryo. Failed.

    The embryologist called me and said one of the eggs was abnormal and the other was mature but didn’t fertilize. He was unable to determine the exact cause, but suggested that the sperm’s low binding rate (30% versus the normal average of 60%) could have been a contributor.

    ….

    I began writing this post more than 2 months ago and didn’t finish it until today. It was just too overwhelming to think about how things had happened, what would be possible paths my life would take, and what I could and should do to improve my chance of success in the next round(s). We had a follow-up appointment with the doctor on November 10, 2022 ($157) to review the result of our Round 2 and discuss a new protocol for Round 3. While we exchanged a lot of information during the visit, much of it was not particularly helpful. We still don’t know which factors mainly caused the failure, as there were so many variables at play. However we all know that there is no guarantee of success in this IVF journey, despite our best efforts.

    Round 2 was truly a nightmare to me both mentally and physically. I broke out in pimples all over my face and part of my neck. More terribly, I suffered a significant change in my mood. I wasn’t myself anymore. I felt extremely low during the stimulation phase. I became tremendously vulnerable and sensitive. I got easily irritated and couldn’t let it go. I cried everyday until the retrieval day. The doctor later said these mood changes may have caused by Lupron, which lowers estrogen levels in the body, triggering menopause-like symptoms.

    Though S has been with me just as he always is, IVF is still a lonely journey for me.

  • Routine, Fri12022022

    To do:

    – Make a grocery list and go shopping

    – Cook beef

    – Clean S’s office and the foyer

    – Declutter boxes, clothes, and empty bottles

    – Reply the nurse’s email (tomorrow)

    – Call the hospital and the insurance provider (tomorrow)

    – Do the laundry and fold clothes

    – Clean Sam’s litter box

    – Sew curtains

  • Routine – Wed11302022

    To do:

    – Draft a letter

    – Change the bed sheets

    – Tidy up the living room

    – Clean the kitchen

    – Put outlet cover plates back on the wall

    – Store cooked rice in containers

    – Clean the front porch

    – Go to Walmart (maybe)

  • Routine – Nov12-16, 2022

    Wed, November 16, 2022

    To do:

    – Make 2 pots of black tea

    – Look for a painting for S’s office

    – Stew beef

    – Fill out the application

    – Call the insurance provider

    – Do the laundry, run the dryer and fold clothes

    Tue, November 15, 2022

    AM:

    7:50: Unloaded the dishwasher

    9:04: Vacuumed the upstairs, cleaned the carpet, and change Dozer’s bed sheets

    Mon, November 14, 2022

    PM

    – Cleaned the 1/2 bathroom

    – Folded clothes

    – Tidied up the downstairs

    – Unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen

    – Vacuumed the downstairs

    – Replaced a home air filter

    Sun, November 13, 2022

    AM:

    – Cooked pork belly in coconut water

    – Made 2 pots of black tea

    – Did laundries and folded clothes

    Sat, November 12, 2022

    12:38: Made a dog boarding reservation, checked and signed documents

    2:07: Prepped food, unloaded and ran the dishwasher

    4:18: Tidied up the multi-functional room

    5:20: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

    5:34: Cooked dinner, did the laundry/folded clothes

  • Routine, Sat110522

    AM:

    8:40: Ran the dishwasher

    8:50: Did the laundry/Ran the dryer

    9:00: Sewed curtains

    PM:

    1:42: Made 2 pots of black tea

    8:30: Cleaned the kitchen

    Today I ate:

    – Breakfast: pork congee, cup of coffee milk

    – Lunch: blue berries, one apple, and leftover dinner

    – Dinner: pork, rice, broccoli salad and steamed shrimp

    – Snacks: 5 candies

  • Routine, F110422

    PM:

    3:13: Made a pot of black tea

    3:23: Unloaded the dishwasher

    3:45: Vacuumed the first floor

    5:37: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

    5:53: Cooked dinner

    7:38: Cleaned the kitchen

  • Silence is not a punishment

    She doesn’t feel care or attention from him.

    She feels like she’s not his motivation anymore, but a sack of burden, an irritating eyesore and the cause of all of his discomfort instead.

    They are living in two different worlds where his or her concerns aren’t their concerns. She has been in pain emotionally and physically but she doesn’t think he is sensible to what she’s been going through. He’s busy all the time; she looks healthy and her inside injury is unseen.

    They should be open to each other about their thoughts, she knows that but this is not the time. There are moments when, whatever she does, it always fails though it comes with a good intention. There are moments when silence is better than words, when doing nothing means doing something. When there are moments like this, coming back to her inner-self is all she longs for.

    Silence is not victim playing. She is a victim of her self loathing because she lets the feelings of disappointment, frustration, misery and pessimism take control of her, eating her from inside. She has been taught not to react to an attack with an attack back but she’s still struggling to not react to her own inner negative emotions induced by the occurrence. She is silent because she’s suffering and needs time to heal.

    Silence is not avoidance. She doesn’t mind a face-to-face conversation but after enough talks she understands that the difference in some of their thoughts and perceptions is unchangeable. Her silence means acceptance which is the best she can do for herself and their relationship right now.

    Silence is not a punishment but a defense mechanism instead. She doesn’t allow herself to hurt anyone in any form, especially slinging mean words because she deeply understands they have the power to shatter a person’s soul. She will choose silence to create her boundary when dealing with someone’s disrespect rather than throwing it back at them. In that boundary, she feels safe and grounded. A few times, she yelled at him when she was triggered or had bad anxiety; she felt so bad about herself after that. She didn’t feel wrong but she hated herself when losing self-control.