Begin life at forty

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  • Failed IVF – Round 2

    10/6/2022: Post-Round 1 visit

    Free of charge

    The appointment turned out well, much better than I thought. It was the first time I had ever felt care and attention from my RE, whom I had previously been nervous, anxious and stressed about.

    I had excitedly wished to see her at first. I had hoped the visit would tell us more about what happened to our Round 1, what else we needed to do to better prepare for Round 2, and clear information on the protocol to follow for that round. However, I had lost my enthusiasm for the appointment after waiting for a month. Moreover, during that time, I had already started taking birth control pills as directed by the nurse in preparation for the stimulation phase of Round 2. (I was unsure if it was a good idea for me to take birth control pills for an extended period of time at my age.) But surprisingly, the appointment ended up going well.

    This time, instead of injecting various drugs with doses adjusted as needed, I would only be using Gonal F for stimulation, Lupron for ovulation suppression and a trigger shot. The doctor would not be adjusting doses; she explained that if my body responds poorly to the drugs, increasing the amount would not be very effective.

    During the appointment, the doctor seemed surprised when I mentioned that in a few days it would have been 41 days since I started taking birth control pills. Answering my concern if it was ok to take the pills for that long, she assured me that it was not a problem. I had also asked the nurse about this before and received the same assurance.

    We left the clinic, feeling more positive about our next treatment.

    10/20/2022: Baseline ultrasound and labs for Round 2

    19 follicles (11 left, 8 right)

    Lab tests showed normal results.

    Stimulation Phase

    Day 1 (10/20/2022): Took Lupron (40 units) at 8:30 pm.

    Day 2 (10/21/2022): 225 units of Gonal F (x2) and 20 units of Lupron (x2) at 5AM and 8:30 PM.

    Day 3 (10/22/2022): Same time; accidentally took extra 75 units of Gonal F. The nurse instructed to subtract that amount from the PM dose.

    Day 4 (10/23/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 5 (10/24/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 6 (10/25/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Got the first ultrasound, showing 8 follicles (6.5-9.5mm). Sad!

    Day 6 (10/26/2022): Same dosages, got injections 30 mins late in the evening.

    Day 7 (10/27/2022): Same dosages, same time

    Day 8 (10/28/2022): Same dosages, same time

    The ultrasound showed a 25.7mm cyst on the right ovary; as well as 3 follicles (15.7mm and 13.7mm on the left, and 12.7mm on the right) and 2 small follicles (8.6mm and 6.3mm). So sad!

    Day 8.5 (10/29/2022): Same dosages, same time for the AM dose

    The nurse called me and said my progesterone were elevated, so I would not be receiving any more stimulation injections. Instead, I was to take a trigger shot at 10:30 PM that night.

    In Round 1, I had used the trigger shot Pregnyl, but this time I chose Novarel, even though it was more expensive, in the hope of getting a better result. Each box of Novarel comes with one vial of 5000 units of powder and one vial of bacteriostatic water. I bought 4 boxes, 20,000 units in total.

    To ensure that we were not rushed while administering a new drug, we began preparing 45 mins before the scheduled injection time. To administer 10,000 units, I would need 2 vials of powder. S diluted one vial of powder with 1cc of water, then injected the mixture into the other vial of powder and swirled it to dissolve the medication. Next, he drew the resulting solution into a syringe and replaced the needle with a smaller one, 27Gx1/2″. The prepared syringe was then placed in the fridge until injection.

    Mon, 10/31/2022: Egg Retrieval

    Procedure time: 9:30 AM

    We were required to be at the hospital 2 hours before the procedure for admission registration, medical history checking, and pre-surgical instructions, etc.

    2 eggs were retrieved (…) – I was at a loss for words to describe my feeling.

    Tue, 11/1/2022: Zero embryo. Failed.

    The embryologist called me and said one of the eggs was abnormal and the other was mature but didn’t fertilize. He was unable to determine the exact cause, but suggested that the sperm’s low binding rate (30% versus the normal average of 60%) could have been a contributor.

    ….

    I began writing this post more than 2 months ago and didn’t finish it until today. It was just too overwhelming to think about how things had happened, what would be possible paths my life would take, and what I could and should do to improve my chance of success in the next round(s). We had a follow-up appointment with the doctor on November 10, 2022 ($157) to review the result of our Round 2 and discuss a new protocol for Round 3. While we exchanged a lot of information during the visit, much of it was not particularly helpful. We still don’t know which factors mainly caused the failure, as there were so many variables at play. However we all know that there is no guarantee of success in this IVF journey, despite our best efforts.

    Round 2 was truly a nightmare to me both mentally and physically. I broke out in pimples all over my face and part of my neck. More terribly, I suffered a significant change in my mood. I wasn’t myself anymore. I felt extremely low during the stimulation phase. I became tremendously vulnerable and sensitive. I got easily irritated and couldn’t let it go. I cried everyday until the retrieval day. The doctor later said these mood changes may have caused by Lupron, which lowers estrogen levels in the body, triggering menopause-like symptoms.

    Though S has been with me just as he always is, IVF is still a lonely journey for me.

  • Routine, Fri12022022

    To do:

    – Make a grocery list and go shopping

    – Cook beef

    – Clean S’s office and the foyer

    – Declutter boxes, clothes, and empty bottles

    – Reply the nurse’s email (tomorrow)

    – Call the hospital and the insurance provider (tomorrow)

    – Do the laundry and fold clothes

    – Clean Sam’s litter box

    – Sew curtains

  • Routine – Wed11302022

    To do:

    – Draft a letter

    – Change the bed sheets

    – Tidy up the living room

    – Clean the kitchen

    – Put outlet cover plates back on the wall

    – Store cooked rice in containers

    – Clean the front porch

    – Go to Walmart (maybe)

  • Routine – Nov12-16, 2022

    Wed, November 16, 2022

    To do:

    – Make 2 pots of black tea

    – Look for a painting for S’s office

    – Stew beef

    – Fill out the application

    – Call the insurance provider

    – Do the laundry, run the dryer and fold clothes

    Tue, November 15, 2022

    AM:

    7:50: Unloaded the dishwasher

    9:04: Vacuumed the upstairs, cleaned the carpet, and change Dozer’s bed sheets

    Mon, November 14, 2022

    PM

    – Cleaned the 1/2 bathroom

    – Folded clothes

    – Tidied up the downstairs

    – Unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen

    – Vacuumed the downstairs

    – Replaced a home air filter

    Sun, November 13, 2022

    AM:

    – Cooked pork belly in coconut water

    – Made 2 pots of black tea

    – Did laundries and folded clothes

    Sat, November 12, 2022

    12:38: Made a dog boarding reservation, checked and signed documents

    2:07: Prepped food, unloaded and ran the dishwasher

    4:18: Tidied up the multi-functional room

    5:20: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

    5:34: Cooked dinner, did the laundry/folded clothes

  • Routine, Sat110522

    AM:

    8:40: Ran the dishwasher

    8:50: Did the laundry/Ran the dryer

    9:00: Sewed curtains

    PM:

    1:42: Made 2 pots of black tea

    8:30: Cleaned the kitchen

    Today I ate:

    – Breakfast: pork congee, cup of coffee milk

    – Lunch: blue berries, one apple, and leftover dinner

    – Dinner: pork, rice, broccoli salad and steamed shrimp

    – Snacks: 5 candies

  • Routine, F110422

    PM:

    3:13: Made a pot of black tea

    3:23: Unloaded the dishwasher

    3:45: Vacuumed the first floor

    5:37: Cleaned Sam’s litter box

    5:53: Cooked dinner

    7:38: Cleaned the kitchen

  • Silence is not a punishment

    She doesn’t feel care or attention from him.

    She feels like she’s not his motivation anymore, but a sack of burden, an irritating eyesore and the cause of all of his discomfort instead.

    They are living in two different worlds where his or her concerns aren’t their concerns. She has been in pain emotionally and physically but she doesn’t think he is sensible to what she’s been going through. He’s busy all the time; she looks healthy and her inside injury is unseen.

    They should be open to each other about their thoughts, she knows that but this is not the time. There are moments when, whatever she does, it always fails though it comes with a good intention. There are moments when silence is better than words, when doing nothing means doing something. When there are moments like this, coming back to her inner-self is all she longs for.

    Silence is not victim playing. She is a victim of her self loathing because she lets the feelings of disappointment, frustration, misery and pessimism take control of her, eating her from inside. She has been taught not to react to an attack with an attack back but she’s still struggling to not react to her own inner negative emotions induced by the occurrence. She is silent because she’s suffering and needs time to heal.

    Silence is not avoidance. She doesn’t mind a face-to-face conversation but after enough talks she understands that the difference in some of their thoughts and perceptions is unchangeable. Her silence means acceptance which is the best she can do for herself and their relationship right now.

    Silence is not a punishment but a defense mechanism instead. She doesn’t allow herself to hurt anyone in any form, especially slinging mean words because she deeply understands they have the power to shatter a person’s soul. She will choose silence to create her boundary when dealing with someone’s disrespect rather than throwing it back at them. In that boundary, she feels safe and grounded. A few times, she yelled at him when she was triggered or had bad anxiety; she felt so bad about herself after that. She didn’t feel wrong but she hated herself when losing self-control.

  • Food for Thought (2)

    Source: Ageless Wisdom by J.S. Felts, and the Internet, especially Reddit. Great thanks to the authors and all those who have generously shared these wonderful quotes.

    —————–

    68. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.

    – Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825

    69. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

    – Thomas Jefferson, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, 21 Feb 1825

    70. It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person and to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in in the right way – that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.

    – Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

    71. Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.

    – Lyman Abbott, The Christian Union, 11 Sept 188

    72. Emotions, without knowledge, is dangerous

    – J.S.Felts

    73. A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice

    – Edgar Watson Howe, Plain People

    74. Knowledge is the antidote to fear

    – Ralph Waido Emerson, “Society”, Society and Solitude

    75. Those who fear nothing, love nothing.

    – Saying

    76. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear

    – Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

    77. The less you respond to negativity, the more peaceful your life becomes.

    78. Grief is itself a medicine.

    – William Cowper, “Charity”, Poems

    79. He that lacks time to mourn lacks time to mend.

    – Henry Taylor, Philip Van Artevelde

    80. I look at what I have not and think myself unhappy; others look at what I have and think me happy.

    – Joseph Roux, Meditations of a Parish Priest

    81. If people only wanted to be happy it would be very easy; but they want to be happier than other people, and this is almost always difficult, because we imagine other people happier than they really are.

    – Charles de Montesquieu, quoted in Montesquieu (1888) by Albert Sorel

    82. Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.

    83. Who does not thank for little will not thank for much

    – Estonian Proverb

    84. It takes less time to do a thing right, than to explain why you did it wrong.

    – Saying

    85. Never be so brief as to become obscure.

    – Tryon Edwards, A Dictionary of Thoughts

    86. They may forget what you said and they may even forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

    – Saying

    87. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

    – George S. Patton, War As I Knew it

    88. If you command wisely, you’ll be obeyed cheerfully.

    – Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia

    89. A leader is always learning. He understands everyone has something to teach him.

    – J.S. Felts

    90. A leader is not ruled by his emotions, yet he is not without passion.

    – J.S. Felts

    91. Leadership is based on inspiration, not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation.

    – William Arthur Ward

    92. There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.

    – G.K. Chesterton, Charles Dickens

    93. Better to measure ten times and cut once, than measure once and cut ten times.

    – Saying

    94. In everything you do, consider the end.

    – Saying

    95. Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, that they understand everything too soon.

    – Alexander Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects

    96. The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do, and get a record of successful experiences behind you.

    – William Jennings Bryan

    97. Until you learn to control your emotions, you will never control your life.

    – J.S. Felts

    98. He is happy, whose circumstances suit his temper; but he is more excellent, who can suit his temper to any circumstances.

    – David Hume, Moral Philosophy

    99. He who requires much from himself and little from others, will keep himself from being the object of resentment.

    – Confucius, Analects

    100. Where it is in our power to do a thing, it is equally in our power to abstain from doing it.

    – Robert Browning, “Bishop Blougram’s Apology”, Men and Women

    101. Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better.

    – Richard Hooker, quoted in A Dictionary of the English Language (1755)

    102. To do two things at once is to do neither.

    – Publilius Syrus, Sententiae

    103. The point of an argument isn’t to find a winner, it is to find the truth. (Me: It is to understand each other and each other’s thoughts on the matter.)

    104. Even in the chaos of everyday life, moments of gratitude remind us to hold on to the good things.

    105. Remember that what you now have once among the things you only hoped for.

    106. Happiness is not having what you want. It is appreciative what you have.

    107. Be a kind person. Yes, even to jerks. Let them be a jerk. You be a kind person.

    108. Respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them.

    109. The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.

    110. Maturity begins when you can be right without having to prove the other person wrong.

  • Routine, T102722

    PM:

    1:09: Emailed the nurse

    1:26: Mailed a letter

    2:11: Cleaned S’s office for painting (dusted the wall and wiped the baseboards)

    2:45: Ordered meds

    3:00: Pre-ordered groceries online

    4:49: Cooked dinner & cleaned the kitchen

  • Routine, T102522

    PM:

    2:53: Unloaded the dishwasher

    3:20: Tidied up the living/dining area, paid a bill

    4:06: Did the laundry & ran the dryer

    4:28: Vacuumed and mopped the multi-purpose room floor

    7:08: Prepped shrimp