Feeling content
My first half of February wasn’t too bad. I was content with my life. I felt balanced and enjoyed the present. This was a rare feeling for me, so I profoundly cherished the moments my mind was able to be with S, Dozer and Sam, instead of feeling overwhelmed most of the time. We went to the park, worked around the house. S took me to a Vietnamese store where I could buy my favorite foods. We also went to a thrift store and a human habitat store where I found intriguing books for only 25 cents each. I got 10 books in total, knowing it would take me a while to read them all but their quality and prices are just so amazing. Then, we went to a nursery garden and bought 5 pots of pink azaleas and 2 Mediterranean palm trees. I went to Home Depot after that and got 6 pots of ground cover foliage. The leaves are beautiful with earthy brownish red and enigmatic dark purple.
Over the weekend, S and I did a personality test. The results showed he was an introvert which is no surprise and I was an entertainer. How laughable! I’ve never thought of myself as an entertainer and doubt I ever will.
February is my birthday month. My MK sent me a card earlier and a few weeks later she sent me another one to remind me “how much I love you.” DR sent me a card early and several packages but I was told not to open them until my birthday. I feel so thankful and indebted because of their love and care.
Wed, 2/22/23 – Distress
I had ultrasound and blood tests at 7:15 am. While waiting for the results, I went to Lowe’s to keep my mind off them. I got 5 Fashion Azaleas there. I went home at 2 pm and the nurse still hadn’t yet called me. My worries and anxiety started to grow, prompting me to call S and later I browsed the Internet to divert my attention. My fear intensified when I thought about D. She had to cancel her treatment on day 5 due to poor follicle growth and they also hadn’t called her until late afternoon. The fear that I would end up like her caused me to cry. At that time, the nurse finally called and told me to continue taking medications, which made me feel so much relieved.
Fri, 2/24/23 – Rabbit hole
I went down again the rabbit hole of anxiety, nervousness and lack of confidence. When I was self-loathing, it was like I was rotten inside. It consumed me and drained me, leaving me feeling powerless and negative. But I knew the reason for my distress. Fortunately, I started to feel better. Realizing that my self-confidence had returned was truly wonderful.
Sat, 2/25/23 – Sometimes sadness is beautiful
I was feeling melancholic but this sadness was beautiful as I could enjoy my alone time in my serene favorite spot. I could hear the rustling of the leaves and the birds chirping at each other, all while listening to the gentle sound of the wind blowing. I could also hear the occasional sounds of vehicles passing by on the road but they were distant enough not to bother me. I felt like I was still part of human life while being comfortably in my own little oasis.
Sun, 2/26/23 – Stay calm
Despite the mess, chaos, and lack of control in my surroundings, I still find myself content as I’m grounded. My inner-self stays calm and centered amidst the confusion and turmoil.
Begin life at forty 