Begin life at forty

Tag: failed Ivf

  • Failed IVF Cycle 5

    8/29/2023, started with a glimmer of hope.

    Since this was my last cycle in the US, I was very careful to order only the amount of medication I needed to avoid waste. Timing was tricky too. I had to plan ahead to avoid missing doses as my pharmacy didn’t deliver on Sundays. This meant a Monday morning dose could be late, especially with my early injections. Because I only ordered enough drugs, no extra, I didn’t account for possible delivery delays. One Monday, I ran out of Gonal F and freaked out. Fortunately my clinic loaned me a pen. The total cost for medication this cycle was over $6,000.

    My baseline scan showed 16 follicles on the left, 6 on the right. After 1.5 months on birth control pills, I began stimulation: Lupron 40 units on day 1, then 20 units with 225 units of Gonal-F twice daily from day 2 – very high doses. By day 15, 9/15/2023, the ultrasound showed only one at 18.5 mm on the left, and three at 22, 19.9 and 16.9 mm on the right. That was it.

    I triggered with Pregnyl 10,000 and had the retrieval on September 17th. They retrieved three eggs—one was abnormal, two fertilized. By day four, there were no embryos.

    Cycle five had failed. Five attempts, five heartbreaks. I was exhausted, but this failure didn’t surprise me as it had happened repeatedly.

    S didn’t want me to continue IVF. This journey had been more than enough for him and he wanted us to focus on something more realistic. But I had reasons, for myself, for him and for us (…) to keep going. I had already planned to continue in VN if this cycle failed. With top IVF hospitals, clinics and doctors in Hanoi, I was positive I would receive excellent care and with my family there, my overall health would greatly improve, which would lead to better results.

    I bought a one-way ticket to VN in late October, just before my expected period so I could see a doctor shortly after it started. While I was preparing for this next chapter, our relationship had been badly damaged. But I really didn’t have time to think it through; I just knew I had to act quickly since I was turning 40 soon.

  • Vent

    No shower, no face wash, not even brushing my teeth since I rolled out of bed. Spent all morning glued to my phone screen, trying to dig up info to deal with the anxiety and fear on my IVF journey. How ashamed! Should’ve been doing something productive to lift my spirits, but ended up procrastinating instead. Can’t seem to find energy, motivation, or positivity to keep pushing myself forward. This journey’s been a real drain—emotionally and physically. I’m on the verge of throwing in the towel, but deep down, I know this time is my last chance considering my age. Even though the odds are extremely slim, I’m still hanging in there. Still giving it my all, even though I can feel the toll it’s taking on my body and mind. Set a limit for myself—two more cycles, but right now, it feels like I’m just dragging myself through each day, counting down to the end. I’m doing it without much hope, just trying to avoid future regrets. Feels like it’s sucking the life out of me…

    I’m feeling lost, I’m losing the purpose in life. Everything I’ve tried, everything I’m about to do, they just don’t seem to hold any meaning any more. I haven’t given up yet but I know I can’t keep going like this much longer. I’m terribly worn out. My life, my strength, determination, emotions, and hope have all been devastatingly crushed. 

    I feel powerless in everything…

    No idea what’s waiting for me back in the States once this journey’s over. Don’t know if things will stay the same or take a turn for the worse. Probably worse.