Despite following my IVF doctor’s recommendations to take various supplements and eat antioxidant-rich foods, I still feel disappointed with how I look. When I look in the mirror, my skin looks dehydrated, my face and neck are covered in pimples, and my hair is dry and frizzy. The worst thing is that my periods have become shorter and less frequent since my second round of IVF a few months ago.
I have an upcoming appointment for an overall reproductive ultrasound and blood tests in a few weeks. I had those done a year ago and after a year, I need to repeat them. This makes me feel nervous and scared as I’m not sure how my markers will be. Women from 38-40 experience drastic changes in their reproductive systems and hormones, which make it more difficult for them to have a baby. I don’t have much hope for the IVF success this time around, and the thought of traveling to Vietnam for the treatment is both thrilling and overwhelming at the same time.
I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but it’s hard not to. I need to remind myself that nothing is more important than my IVF treatment right now and that any worries or anxieties I have aren’t worth dwelling on. It’s important to affirm this thought whenever those negative thoughts arise.
I’ve been taking allergy pills for almost a week now, and this is already the fourth time I’ve been hit with allergies since the end of February. It all started when the winter started to fade away and the spring season was arriving. There was more rain, soil was moist and sometimes wet, covered by layers of old leaves. Trees, plants, flowers were coming back to life, with more buds popping and flowers blooming. The wind started to pick up, stirring up small particles and leaves, filling the air with pollen and allergens. That was the perfect time for allergies to hit people like me who are super sensitive to them.
My March went well with a lot of activities, fun and laughs.
Car AC changed
My car’s AC hadn’t been working right. It kept blowing hot air. I had been driving with the broken AC through most of the winter but on the hot days in late Feb, I couldn’t bear the heat, even with the windows open. And doing that made my pollen allergies worse. With no more room for delay, I took my car to Pep Boys to get it checked out. After waiting for a few hrs, I got 2 quotes, ~$1300 for just the AC unit replacement and ~$1800 for a whole new package. I didn’t care to look at the quotes’ breakdowns as either one was far beyond my expectation. When I told S about it, he wanted to fix it himself so that we could save some money. But after watching an instructional video on Youtube, he quickly gave up :D. We decided to order a new A/C device on Amazon for around $200 and look for a local auto repair shop to have them change it. The shop wasn’t far from our house, just a few minutes’ drive away. I left my car there on a Thursday evening and got it back on the following Tuesday. When S told me to check if the AC was working right, I said, “It’s fine,” after feeling cold air blowing out of the vents. However, upon driving it, he said it still wasn’t working correctly, so he went back to the shop. After the second fix, it is working greatly again and now I can enjoy my time on the road. Oh, I forgot, the total cost was around $700, almost half cheaper than one of the quotes.
Happy Numberth Anniversary!
Our anniversary fell on a busy weekday, so S and I decided to reschedule our celebration to the weekend. On the day of our anniversary, S brought home Peruvian lilies, white Lilies, and red Roses. They looked fresh. S isn’t a good flower buyer. The flowers he buys are usually wilted and droopy as spending more than 3 minutes picking something out means too long for him.
S wanted to surprise me with our anniversary celebration, so he kept the plan a secret. On Saturday, I wore a knitted long classic creamy dress with cap sleeves and a high neck, and paired it with a medium-sized black belt. I also picked out a shoulder purse, earrings, and peep toe ankle strap stiletto heels with purple accents. We parked the car under a building, and I still had no idea where we were headed.
As we walked further, I saw the river and a small cruise. I was thrilled and exclaimed, “Wow!” I turned to S and thanked him. We walked around the dock, taking photos while waiting for the crew to prepare for boarding. After checking in, we were guided upstairs, where recorded music was playing, and there was a band on the corner stage ready for performance. What an amazing surprise!
The band performed various love songs, both slow and fast-paced. There was a break between the show, and during that time, we went to the front of the ship to view the river at night. There wasn’t much to see, or maybe it was just me as I’m not a person inspired by nature sightseeing. The second part of the show was interactive, where guests danced under the dance instructions. A singer also congratulated couples celebrating their anniversaries and birthdays and we were asked to dance to a celebration song. I followed S, feeling embarrassed, awkward, and extremely unnatural. I had never danced like this before. We danced and sang at home but we made ourselves look silly and made fun of each other.
The cruise lasted for about two hours, and it was so quiet that I didn’t even feel like we were moving. We were also served food and drinks. The food was disappointing. We had chicken breast, rice pilaf, zucchini, and two grilled shrimp with a roll. The chicken was soaked in salt, and the shrimp was dry. The rice and zucchini were better, but the flavors weren’t special. However, the rich chocolate dessert and drinks were delicious.
Despite the mediocre food, the live band performance was the highlight of the night for me. I felt blessed for what S had done for our fun and memorable anniversary.
Citizenship Test
Mon, 3/27 – Two days before the test
I gathered all the necessary documents and made sure they were organized and ready to go. I reviewed my notes and practiced answering civic questions. Although I felt a bit nervous about the interview, I reminded myself that I had put in the effort to prepare and had done everything I could.
Next, I picked out 2 outfits for the interview in case one didn’t work for any reason at the last minute. The first one was black on black with a sheath dress and a soft jacket. I gained weight recently according to my IVF doctor’s advice, so I wasn’t confident about my lower belly. I covered it by wearing a long laced black scarf with fringes hanging down at the front and cinched it in a big-size golden belt. The second outfit was an A-shaped black dress with yellow and green stripes at the bottom paired with a loose collarless blazer featuring a large bow on the single bottom button. I added a gold cuff necklace with a big pearl pendant so that the top looked less boring.
Wed, 3/29 – Test day
I passed! I was a little embarrassed when I was the only one with a big bag of documents while the other applicants had just a thin file. My friend had also brought very little. But I didn’t want to take any chances of missing anything, so I had everything I could possibly need. I brought all the original papers required, along with additional evidence just in case. I even memorized the dates of my moves and my vacations abroad after watching a USCIS model interview video in which the interviewer asked a guy the dates he left and returned to the US. I knew I over-prepared, but for important events, it’s better to overdo than underdo as it will save me peace of mind.
The interviewer was really nice and made me feel comfortable and relaxed. He patiently answered my questions and even reminded me to consider the amount of time it would take to get my passport while applying for a full name change at the court. I told him that I didn’t need the American passport immediately and could always use my VN passport for traveling. He replied, “You need the American passport to get back to the US.” I burst into laughter because of my inexperience. I forgot that my green card would be taken back once I got the naturalization certificate.
After the interview, I was told to come back later for the oath of allegiance ceremony. While waiting, S and I went to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant for a late lunch. I got a specialty Pho and spring rolls, and S had crushed rice with grilled pork and bubble mango smoothie, which was funny that the waiter thought it was for me. I didn’t expect Pho to be so expensive now. It was $24 for the special bowl, which would be around $30 after tip and tax. By the way, it was delicious. The Vietnamese waiter, also a student, spoke with a northern accent, similar to me, which I don’t hear often here. One surprising thing was that he lived very near my parents’ house in VN.
When we got back to the field office, we entered a ceremony room where the blinds on the glass wall were pulled up so that my friends and family could “attend” from the other side. The host officer was very nice when he told us to face the glass wall so that those accompanying us could take photos of us while we were taking an oath. I looked over a few times to see if S was there, but I didn’t see him. I later found out that he was in the car, and the car next to his had blocked his view, therefore he didn’t see people gather outside the ceremony room. But it was Ok. When I pretended that I was upset because he wasn’t there, I was just teasing him to make him feel how important he was to me.
After taking the oath, the officers took photos of us individually. I was happy to have some nice photos to share with my family and friends.
On the way home, I sent the photos to MK, and she texted all of her friends to tell them I passed the interview. And then she forwarded their texts to me. I felt really embarrassed, but I felt blessed because of her love and attention for me.
IVF Thoughts
I got a call from the IVF office telling me that my appointment with the doctor had been canceled due to her being unwell. Honestly, I was relieved to hear that as I literally didn’t want to go. Though I was the one asking for the meeting initially. I had no idea what I should ask her after reviewing my previous rounds of IVF. Also, I doubted that her responses would be different from what I’ve known already.
The field of IVF is complex, and it often seems that there is no single answer to any given question or issue. No answer can guarantee a successful outcome, and I decided not to reschedule the appointment because I didn’t see a benefit of doing that. Also, S said he might be unable to take off work to go with me while I am uncomfortable attending the consultation alone.
As the expected retrieval week draws near (May 8th), I emailed the nurse to ask her what I need to do to prepare for the next round. With my period expected soon, I am unsure of what the IVF team will have in store for me this time around. Typically, it takes two cycles to begin stimulation. In the first cycle, I would normally take birth control pills to prime my ovaries for stimulation, and in the second cycle, I would undergo a baseline and ultrasound examination. If everything appears normal, the stimulation process would begin.
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A few months back, after my third round of IVF got canceled, I decided to text a well-known IVF doctor from a Vietnamese hospital where we’ve been storing S’s specimens, and ask for an online consultation regarding our potential IVF treatment in Vietnam. It was upsetting that I didn’t receive a reply from him, but I understand that doctors there are incredibly busy, especially given the high number of IVF patients they tend to. However, his silence made me feel more unsupported and alone on this journey.
I Laughed A lot
S is so humorous. My friend, Rose sent me a photo of the letter “R” – her name’s first letter that her boyfriend lawnmowered to make it when he helped her cut grass in her yard. I showed that romantic photo to S and a few minutes later, I heard my phone beep. Checking it, I burst into laughter when I saw a photo of a note with the letter “P” – my name’s first letter he scribbled in it. Then my friend sent me another photo of her boyfriend’s shirtless fit upper body and also showed it to S. After a few minutes, my phone beeped again. S sent both my friend and me a hilarious photo of a muscular 6-pack shirtless bodybuilder but his head was replaced with S’s head. LOL!
I started my life’s new chapter in a new role with unprecedented responsibilities after I moved to the US. That was to become a full-time homemaker and my wholehearted mission was to keep our marriage happy and healthy. S makes us a house; I make it home. My daily chores include cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of pets and paying bills among loads of other unnamed, unseen, trivial duties. However, as an inexperienced, stay-at-home immigrant, it took me a great amount of time to do those since I had to learn how to do it right. I learned how to cook American foods, ways to clean/decorate expertly, tips to shop frugally and wisely, and many other life skills in the country where life seems opposite to one in my homeland and my upbringing. I also learned about American culture, social norms, principles and laws so that I could confidently integrate into society.
Staying at home is a priceless chance for me to hit a pause in my life. I could observe the world and my inner self rather than be spiraled into a fast-paced life like a hamster hysterically running on a treadmill. Observation in stillness has changed my shallow and limited perceptions about life in a deeper and broader manner. I could peel off layers of illusions about life to see it as it is, sweet or bitter, rough or smooth. Right view of life and myself has helped me realize my inner power that I ignorantly thought had never existed. That endless source has transformed my old submissive, credulous self into a confident and valiant individual.
Staying at home has granted me an enormous amount of time teaching myself anything I thought necessary. I had never been a true learner throughout my student life in Vietnam. Therefore, I have tried hard when I was lucky enough to be able to immerse myself into study again. I value experiences and knowledge as those, from my perspective, significantly contribute to right observation. They all have encouraged me to be true to myself and to everyone.
Deep in my heart, I owe a debt of gratitude to my dear man. Without his full commitment to our marriage, his leadership and financial responsibility in our family, and especially his support and understanding, I should have been part of a hectic life and probably never had a chance to be who I am today.
This little shovel is so cool! I knew it belonged to S’s grandfather since WWII, but I had never paid attention to it until last weekend when we used it to build a flower bed. The blade pivots and locks at a 90-degree angle, transforming it into a hoe. How versatile it is!”
I ordered an abstract painting. It’s not really packed with details. Basically, the painting depicts a small, glossy, red ball-shaped thing as the focal point, near the center of the canvas, flanked by two huge, brownish-red cylindrical shapes in the bottom half. The top half of the painting is just a yellowish brown background of various shades, which bring to mind the warm colors of sunset or the subtle textures of a wall. There’s no action happening in the painting, giving a serene and static atmosphere, allowing viewers to have their own thoughts and feelings without interruptions. The painting’s warm tone with earthy muted colors added its calming effect.
When I first saw the painting, I could relate to it right away. My first impression was that of being stuck. The red object, which looked like a cherry, was being wedged between the two giant stone pillars with no way out. Like the cherry, I felt trapped between my reality and my desires. But the painting doesn’t give a pessimistic or hopeless feeling as the cherry is still shiny and round and hasn’t been messed up by the stones. The cherry is on top of the cleft, not in the bottom, so it’s not all bad. Furthermore, the painting’s yellow and red undertones don’t make it look muddy, dull, heavy or distressed. I saw myself in the cherry, feeling stuck and still didn’t know how to escape but at the same time it was like I was taking a break and letting things be.
Whenever I looked at the painting, I always pondered how the cherry could get out of it until one day when S and I talked about it. He thought it was not the cherry but a marble and the giant pillar-looking objects were 2 loaves of bread. How amazing! Marble and bread – they have nothing in common but his imagination was incredibly boundless. It reflected his unconstrained freedom and warrior spirit in his mind. There are challenges but they’re not true obstacles. What can stop a marble in its way when all hindrances are just loaves of bread.
My first half of February wasn’t too bad. I was content with my life. I felt balanced and enjoyed the present. This was a rare feeling for me, so I profoundly cherished the moments my mind was able to be with S, Dozer and Sam, instead of feeling overwhelmed most of the time. We went to the park, worked around the house. S took me to a Vietnamese store where I could buy my favorite foods. We also went to a thrift store and a human habitat store where I found intriguing books for only 25 cents each. I got 10 books in total, knowing it would take me a while to read them all but their quality and prices are just so amazing. Then, we went to a nursery garden and bought 5 pots of pink azaleas and 2 Mediterranean palm trees. I went to Home Depot after that and got 6 pots of ground cover foliage. The leaves are beautiful with earthy brownish red and enigmatic dark purple.
Over the weekend, S and I did a personality test. The results showed he was an introvert which is no surprise and I was an entertainer. How laughable! I’ve never thought of myself as an entertainer and doubt I ever will.
February is my birthday month. My MK sent me a card earlier and a few weeks later she sent me another one to remind me “how much I love you.” DR sent me a card early and several packages but I was told not to open them until my birthday. I feel so thankful and indebted because of their love and care.
Wed, 2/22/23 – Distress
I had ultrasound and blood tests at 7:15 am. While waiting for the results, I went to Lowe’s to keep my mind off them. I got 5 Fashion Azaleas there. I went home at 2 pm and the nurse still hadn’t yet called me. My worries and anxiety started to grow, prompting me to call S and later I browsed the Internet to divert my attention. My fear intensified when I thought about D. She had to cancel her treatment on day 5 due to poor follicle growth and they also hadn’t called her until late afternoon. The fear that I would end up like her caused me to cry. At that time, the nurse finally called and told me to continue taking medications, which made me feel so much relieved.
Fri, 2/24/23 – Rabbit hole
I went down again the rabbit hole of anxiety, nervousness and lack of confidence. When I was self-loathing, it was like I was rotten inside. It consumed me and drained me, leaving me feeling powerless and negative. But I knew the reason for my distress. Fortunately, I started to feel better. Realizing that my self-confidence had returned was truly wonderful.
Sat, 2/25/23 – Sometimes sadness is beautiful
I was feeling melancholic but this sadness was beautiful as I could enjoy my alone time in my serene favorite spot. I could hear the rustling of the leaves and the birds chirping at each other, all while listening to the gentle sound of the wind blowing. I could also hear the occasional sounds of vehicles passing by on the road but they were distant enough not to bother me. I felt like I was still part of human life while being comfortably in my own little oasis.
Sun, 2/26/23 – Stay calm
Despite the mess, chaos, and lack of control in my surroundings, I still find myself content as I’m grounded. My inner-self stays calm and centered amidst the confusion and turmoil.
I don’t choose to be lonely but I accept it as a part of my life.
My loneliness is not because I’m physically alone. I have a tight-knit small circle of my family and friends who are always there for me, listening, caring, encouraging, supporting, understanding and sharing great times with me. Though I have these wonderful people in my life, no one, even my man makes me feel connected heart and soul. There’s always a piece of myself feeling isolated.
I’m glad for those who are able to find a fulfilling connection with their family, children or friends. But being incompletely connected with anyone is not necessarily a tragic thing. Maybe I was born to be lonely as my fate is to be only bonded with myself. But honestly, I accept loneliness because I understand it’s not easy to meet someone on this chosen solitary path. If I had chosen a different route, my life would probably be more fun and joyful. Unfortunately, I couldn’t persuade myself to give up and take an easier life.
January was a real tough month for me. I realized that I hate the weather this time of the year around here. It was cloudy and cold, and I barely saw the sun. Everything looked gloomy and dreary, which only added to my already feelings.
Sat, 1/14/23 – Loneliness
I don’t choose to be lonely but I accept it as a part of my life.
My loneliness is not because I’m physically alone. I have a tight-knit small circle of my family and friends who are always there for me, listening, caring, encouraging, supporting, understanding and sharing great times with me. Though I have these wonderful people in my life, no one, even my man makes me feel connected heart and soul. There’s always a piece of myself feeling isolated.
I’m glad for those who are able to find a fulfilling connection with their family, children or friends. But being incompletely connected with anyone is not necessarily a tragic thing. Maybe I was born to be lonely as my fate is to be only bonded with myself. But honestly, I accept loneliness because I understand it’s not easy to meet someone on this chosen solitary path. If I had chosen a different route, my life would probably be more fun and joyful. Unfortunately, I couldn’t persuade myself to give up and take an easier life.
Fri, 1/20/23 – Fat removal injection
S bought a set of syringes and drugs on Amazon so he could inject himself in order to “permanently” get rid of the fat under his chin. I don’t believe using unnatural measures to improve one’s appearance is healthy.” I’m concerned about the long-term safety and the possibility that he would become dependent on it forever. Also, I’m wondering if it has any possible impact on male fertility.
Sat, 1/21/23 – Ending a social connection
I met her at an art course and she was very nice. We started texting occasionally and hung out for coffee a few times. We talked for hours, shared personal stories and laughs and I expected a friendship between us. Later, I dropped the course and we lost touch for a while. Then, a few months afterwards, I reached out to her and we started catching up again. But our connection was pretty on and off. One time, I called her but she didn’t answer, which was understandable since not everyone is available for an unexpected call. I left her a message explaining that I was feeling down and wanted to talk. She texted me back, saying she was busy at the moment but would text me the next day to arrange a meetup with me and she said she loved to “lift my spirits up”. But it has been almost a month and I still haven’t received her text. I have tried to reach her twice when I needed her which I think is enough and I won’t bother her any more. The silence between us is an end for our acquaintanceship. She is still a sweet and friendly person though.
Tue, 1/24/23 – Zero copay policy
I received a medical bill for my recent doctor visit which I didn’t think I had to pay as I have a zero copay insurance policy. Questioned this with an insurance advocate, I was explained that the bill was for an “office visit”, not an annual checkup, which is eligible for zero copay. Annual check-ups are usually with a primary care physician, not a specialist like the one I saw.
Wed, 1/25/23 – Stock loss
A guy I know has lost a ton of money – $250k to be exact. Unfortunately, a large chunk of that was his parents’ savings they had given him to deposit it in a bank for interest. However, he went all-in on stocks and ended up losing everything. There’s even a rumor that he owes money to his company. It’s crazy, I feel so bad for him and his family because $250k is a real fortune for them. I hope this will be a tough lesson for him on controlling his impulses and he won’t never make this mistake again.
Thur, 1/26/23 – Missing yoga card
I’ve been looking everywhere but I can’t find one missing yoga card. How disappointing! I like the set of yoga cards a lot. It is a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law and I use it almost everyday when I practice yoga. The set has three options for practice: relaxation, mobility and energy. Each one has a series of poses and each pose is illustrated in one card that is numbered and easy to follow. It also tells you the level of complexity for each pose, from basic to advanced. Though I remember what the pose is in the missing card, I am still upset because I really love this set.
Begin life at forty 