Begin life at forty

Author: Phammy

  • IVF supplements & complimentary therapies

    Improving overall health, especially fertility health, is an important part of the IVF journey. While I always believe that a healthy diet, regular exercise, and managing stress are the best foundations, I also took a variety of supplements and tried different therapies before and during my cycles. Most were recommended or prescribed by my IVF doctors, but some I discovered through my own research or from friends.

    Honestly, I don’t think any supplement or therapy is a magic fix—they’re just small pieces of a much bigger IVF picture. We try them, we hope they help, but there’s no guarantee. Everything I’m sharing is based on my own experience, so please take it with caution and consult with your doctor. To be honest, their benefits (and side effects) weren’t obvious to me, but they might be for you. Every body is different and responds in its own way.

    1. Conventional Supplements

    Recommended to start taking supplements at least three months before IVF to help prepare the body.

    Theralogix Prenatal Vitamins: 1 tablet per day

    This prenatal vitamin is packed with essential nutrients to nourish the body. Compared to other brands, it has higher amounts of key nutrients, making it more comprehensive. One standout ingredient is choline, which plays a crucial role in supporting the baby’s brain and spinal cord development. The downside? It oxidized pretty easily, and once that happened, the smell was really unpleasant. I haven’t taken it in over a year, so I’m not sure if the newer version has been improved.

    Theralogix Fish Oil: 3 softgels per day

    Each softgel contains 1000 mg of fish oil, including 400 mg EPA, 300 mg DHA, and 750 mg Omega-3s. It’s great for supporting the immune system, reducing inflammation and pain, and promoting heart, brain, and joint health.

    Theralogix NeoQ10: 2 softgels per day

    Each softgel contains 6.7 mg of vitamin E and 125 mg of natural coenzyme Q10, a powerful antioxidant that helps support egg quality (and sperm quality too).

    Theralogix Ovasitol: Taken as directed on the label

    This supplement contains myo-inositol and d-chiro-inositol, which help balance hormones and improve ovulation.

    DHEA: 75 mg per day (store brand)

    DHEA is a hormone that helps improve ovarian function and the body’s response to stimulation drugs. It’s also known to support sperm production and quality in men.

    Tru Niagen: 1 capsule per day

    This supplement contains NAD+, a coenzyme that helps power metabolism and cell rejuvenation.

    Bio-D-Mulsion Forte (Vitamin D): 2000 IU per day

    I took extra vitamin D due to my chronic vitamin D deficiency. It plays a key role in reproductive health—it helps regulate the menstrual cycle, improve ovulation, enhance egg quality, and reduce inflammation. Before starting IVF, my doctor had me take a blood test to check my vitamin D levels.

    2. Herbal Supplements

    I was prescribed a combination of herbal medicine, which included 15 tablets per day and two liquid packets. These contained a blend of various herbs such as ginger, turmeric, cardamom, fennel seeds, lotus seed embryos, dried citrus peel, jujube, and ginseng. They were meant to support the immune system, reduce inflammation, improve blood flow, and promote cell rejuvenation. I took them for three months before starting the stimulation phase.

    3. IVF Complementary Non-Medicinal Therapies

    Acupressure & Reflexology

    I had acupressure and reflexology (foot massage) twice a week. These therapies are believed to improve blood circulation, balance hormones, and reduce stress. Personally, they were a huge help in keeping me mentally and emotionally grounded throughout the process.

    Acupuncture

    I had acupuncture every day except Sunday at Vien Cham Cuu Trung Uong (National Acupuncture Hospital), with an acupuncturist, who has a PhD. (In VN, an acupuncture license can be obtained after just six weeks of study – online sources). Acupuncture is known to help improve hormone balance, enhance blood flow, and reduce stress.Some people might not enjoy acupuncture because of the discomfort from the needles, but I absolutely loved the experience. The slight discomfort only lasted a few seconds, and the rest of the session was incredibly relaxing and soothing. I often slept during the treatment and woke up feeling like a completely different person—much lighter and fresher. All the heaviness and tiredness vanished, and I felt like that half-hour nap was more restorative than my nighttime sleep.

    Red Light Therapy (RL)

    I used Red Light Therapy (RL) alongside acupuncture. It helps warm up the uterus, improve blood flow, and promote relaxation. While you can buy RL machines to use at home, I’ve never tried them myself.

    These therapies are commonly used in the US as complementary treatments alongside IVF. In VN, while they are much more affordable and widely used, they are typically focused on relaxation or relieving joint and bone pain. Acupuncture is the only one that’s sometimes used for purposes like supporting implantation, regulating periods, or helping with embryo transfer, but it’s not specifically tailored for IVF, especially before and during stimulation. When I shared my purpose with the practitioners, they were a bit surprised, but they were very supportive, and I trusted their expertise and flexibility.

    Honestly, I didn’t expect these therapies to directly solve my infertility issues. No single approach is guaranteed—it’s all about trial and error. I was open to all possible complementary therapies with careful consideration about potential risks. While the IVF benefits of these treatments were uncertain, they did wonders for my emotional and mental well-being.

    4. Advanced IVF complementary therapies

    PRP (Platelet-Rich Plasma) Injections

    For more details, check out this link: IVF Cycle 8

    Human Growth Hormone (HGH) Injections

    For more details, check out this link: IVF Cycle 9

    Glutathione IV drips

    For more details, check out this link: IVF Cycle 10

    5. Diet and Exercise for Fertility

    Diet

    My basic rules were balance, variety and flexibility. I’m not a picky eater. I ate a little bit of everything but was mindful of my portions. I focused on whole foods, foods high in antioxidants, and mostly cooked everything from scratch. That said, I didn’t force myself to eat what I didn’t like. There’s always an alternative! E.g., I’m not a fan of avocados, salmon or nuts, I found alternatives that worked for me, like olive oil, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and other types of fish and shellfish.

    I avoided processed foods with unhealthy fats, preservatives, and additives as much as possible, but I didn’t rule them out entirely. I rarely ate deep-fried foods or grilled meat, but that’s more about my personal preference, so it wasn’t hard to stick to. One great thing is that my everyday Vietnamese food is already balanced and varied, so I didn’t have to try too hard. Some people swear by the Mediterranean diet, which is also known to support fertility. Pick one that you like and find suitable. Nutrition is important, and so is enjoying your food. It’s all part of nurturing your emotional health.

    There were certain foods I enjoy but had to limit or avoid, like pepperoni, salami, salted pork lard, butter, and animal organs, which are high in cholesterol. I was also careful about foods that could potentially contain harmful substances, like mercury in some fish and snails. I had to cut back on my caffeine intake too, even though I love coffee and tea. Sometimes, I really wish I could eat whatever I like without worrying about ingredients or whether I’m consuming too much.

    When I started IVF, my BMI was 20, which was within the normal range (19-25). However, my doctor still encouraged me to increase my body fat, as she believed fat played an important role in regulating hormones and ovulation. While this is generally true, it didn’t seem to apply to me, as even with a BMI of almost 22, my IVF results didn’t improve much. I’ve also seen people who were much thinner succeed easily. Well, age always matters, I think.

    Exercise

    I didn’t stick to any specific type of exercise. I just tried to be physically active everyday and avoid intense movements. Basically, I focused on improving blood flow and avoided putting pressure or stress on my lower abdomen.

    In general, IVF’s been a journey of trial and error for me. Despite all my efforts, unfortunately my results have been very poor so far with only three day-3 embryos after 8 ERs and I haven’t done a transfer yet. But I hope what I’ve shared is useful and might work better for you.

  • Yard cleanup

    Our new house has an unfenced yard, so S’s priority was to build a fence asap, for Dozer and Sam, especially Dozer so that he can have a place to run around freely and do his “business” without being on a leash.

    It was expensive to build a fence even by ourselves. Also, it would take a lot of work and time to get this done, so I told S about the idea of just building a small fenced-in area for Dozer. That way S wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. It’s not that he’s afraid of work. He’s amazing at renovating stuff, even starting from demolition. He faces challenges like a total warrior, putting in 110% effort. But once he gets into a project, he would “abuse” himself to get it done asap while still feeling “overwhelmed” by the other things on his to-do list. However, he preferred to build a full fence around the whole backyard – 400 ft.

    Before starting the fence, he cleared out the yard. It was a total overgrowth – trees everywhere, and the ground was completely covered in leaves and vines.

    First, he mowed all the leaves down; second wrestled with branches, hacking and yanking vines off the ground; third chopped down the trees, loaded all the mess into the trailer, and hauled it off to the dumpster. Sounds easy and simple, right? but it was a massive job, and it took a lot of skill, patience, focus, and determination to get it all done, especially since he did it all by himself.

    Removing branches

    To take down trees and chop them up, S used everything — ropes, a chain, a handsaw, and an axe. Especially, he rented a small excavator to dig out the stumps and drag the logs. Though he picked smaller trees, those stumps were a pain. They had deep roots, and the excavator was small with a short crane, plus the ground around them was uneven. However, S still patiently and skillfully got them all out. Watching him on the little excavator, bouncing around, I was praying it wouldn’t tip over. But it was also cute because it was like he was playing with a toy.

    I have no idea how many trees he took down, but he filled up the trailer at least six times. And surprisingly, he rigged up the posts on the sides to make the trailer taller so he could fit even more stuff in there! I also have no clue how he got the heavy logs and branches in there. I wasn’t out there much while he was working, just going out every now and then to bring him a drink or a snack, or just ask if he needed anything.

    Since it wasn’t cheap to rent the excavator and the truck to tow it home (we paid around $300 per day, I think), S made sure to get this money’s worth and used every single minute he could. He was in the yard early in the cold and didn’t stop, even when the sun went down. He’s a workhorse. I’m constantly amazed by his drive and how hard he works.

    After filling up the trailer with stumps and branches, he hauled it all off to the dumpster. He didn’t have to do that – the county comes by every so often to pick stuff like that up. But S didn’t want a mountain of leaves, logs and debris sitting in front of the house.

    With the yard cleared and ready, S was finally able to move forward with his next big task – building the fence. Will update soon.

  • Lampshade makeover under 30 mins

    We have a creamy lampshade, which fit right in with the surrounding items in the old house. However, with a new spot in our new house, it looked plain and dull, so I wanted to add some colors to freshen it up. I have acrylic paints and brushes that I bought a few years ago, intending to take up a new hobby. But I had never opened them until I decided to redo the lampshade. Painting is not easy and takes patience and attention to detail—two things I don’t have much of. How to makeover a lampshade when you have zero painting skills, no experience with brushes, and only a little time to spare? Here’s what I did.

    Instead of using brushes, I used flowers. When I looked at the flowers I bought for S’s birthday, I noticed the mums and thought, “Why not use these as brushes?” They were sturdy enough to use for dabbing without getting all mushy, large enough to cover more surface area quickly, and their many small petals would give the texture some extra oomph. Since our living room has slate blue as the dominant color, so different shades of blue would work well for the lampshade. I threw in green and purple as well. Honestly, I didn’t have a clear vision or a detailed plan. It was quite impromptu. After a rough, tiring day, I just wanted a quick, easy way to get it done and off my mind.

    The flowers already had their own textures and shapes, so all I had to do were dip them in paint and dab them onto the surface. I focused on different spots, trying to make it look natural, like it wasn’t planned or anything. I wasn’t trying to create any specific picture, partly because I wouldn’t know how but mostly because I just wanted to finish quickly. Abstract patterns are a safe option in this case as their interpretation would be up viewers. I simply dabbed the flower heads on different areas, letting the randomness create a natural flow.

    Next, I mixed all the leftover paint, which turned into a teal-green shade, and used it to paint some areas without the pattern. I actually preferred slate blue, but since the teal-green looked decent, I didn’t bother adjusting it further. I left some areas unpainted to enhance the contrast and let the “design” stand out naturally.

    To make a smooth transition between the teal-green top and the flower pattern a little better, I dabbed some burgundy purple in that in-between area using the flower. The deep, cool colors added a bit of a mysterious vibe to the overall look of the lampshade.

    That was it. Super easy and stress-free for someone like me with no painting skills. I finished it in less than half an hour. It looks pretty good, at least, not like something a kid made. Love to hear about your DIY lampshade makeover.

  • Failed IVF Cycle 10

    My tenth cycle, the last one, was something I hadn’t planned for. Before the ninth cycle, I thought it would be the last one. After almost three years of intensive treatments—6 egg retrievals, 2 canceled ones on day 8 and 9 of stimulation, 10 rounds of anesthesia, countless injections and medications, all I was able to get was just one extremely poor day-3 embryo. This bleak outcome, severe pain after egg retrievals in the later cycles, and an strained marriage were all wakeup calls for me that it was time to stop. The emotional and physical pain made me feel like I was losing myself. After all the repeated failures I started to accept that I might never become a mother to my own child. There may be questions about my resilience—or stubbornness, to some—but I have my reasons for pushing forward with this journey.

    During this time, I started to consider the option of using donor eggs. I wasn’t entirely sure about this path, but I wanted to gather some information and start preparing. In VN, finding egg donors is pretty easy. Many services help with the entire process, from selecting donors to handling the egg retrieval. The cost for eggs from young, tall, good-looking donors who are students from prestigious colleges is around 45 million VND (~$1800).

    The service provider is responsible for verifying the donor’s identity, criminal records, medical history, and other necessary documents to ensure they are clean. It sounds perfect, though I’m not sure about how legitimate the process is, as it’s not uncommon for documents to be fake.

    I also talked to my cousin and asked if she would consider donating her eggs. She was incredibly kind and agreed to help me.

    However, with the positive result from the ninth cycle, I wanted to build on that progress. As I mentioned in my post about the ninth cycle, the next cycle was still within the window where PRP and HGH were still effective, so I didn’t want to miss this opportunity.

    For the tenth cycle, I needed more HGH. However, due to the high demand and scarcity of the drug, I had to pay extra.

    I had also been getting acupuncture six days a week and tried Glutathione drips. This drug is available in oral, injection, or drip and is commonly used for patients recovering from cancer treatments or with liver inflammation for detoxification. It is also used in the beauty industry for skin brightening. In IVF, it’s believed to potentially improve the quality of eggs and embryos.

    The benefits of the medication aren’t clear, and opinions on it vary. But with IVF, it’s often a process of trial and error, and the results are uncertain. The protocols and methods used depend heavily on the doctor’s experience and personal approach. I just wanted to try everything possible to hopefully improve the outcome.

    In VN, I bought this drug directly from a pharmacy without a prescription, and then paid about $2 for a nurse to give the drip. The price of Glutathione was around $10 for a 1200 mg dose, which is relatively cheap for a single use. However, like supplements or other assisted methods, it’s usually recommended to use it for a certain period, like 3 months, before seeing any effects. So, when you factor in the total duration of treatment, the overall cost can add up.

    Despite all my hope and efforts, this last cycle unfortunately ended up with no fertilization and no embryos. That was it. For me, it was more than enough. I no longer questioned if I had tried enough. I accepted the failure with peace.

    To get ready for the transfer, the doctor suggested a scan of my uterus to check for any issues. I agreed and stressed that I wanted a thorough look to make sure nothing would mess with the transfer or a potential pregnancy. I didn’t look at what he wrote on the order form when I left his office, but later I freaked out when I saw ‘Mổ nội soi OB’. I guessed ‘OB’ meant my abdomen, and ‘Mổ nội soi’ was like laparoscopy, a somewhat invasive procedure that involves a small incision for a camera device to check the area. I totally wasn’t expecting that! I really hate surgery and try to avoid it whenever possible. I immediately told him that the uterine sonography would be enough for me, and he agreed. I thought my request for a “detailed examination” might have caused confusion, that’s why he had changed the order to accommodate my “preference”.

    Two days after the procedure, I flew back to the US with a one-way ticket due to a sudden situation. I hoped to return to VN soon, ideally within two months. But honestly, everything was so unpredictable and out of my control back then, and I had no idea what was waiting for me back home.

    My IVF journey, after 10 cycles, is finally on pause, with my three day-3 embryos. Finally I’m able to have the first transfer. I never thought I’d make that far, nor did I expect the emotional toll it would take on me. I have given everything I/we had for this – our money, and my physical and mental health, so I know I’ll never regret not trying enough

  • First-ever improvement: IVF Cycle 9

    My ninth IVF cycle was full of twists and turns. At one point, it felt like it was going to be the worst cycle, but in the end, it became the one where I had my first real “victory”.

    Given my age and repeated IVF failures, I was exploring all options, including Human Growth Hormone (HGH). I learned that it isn’t just used to promote growth in children; it’s also used by adults, like gym enthusiasts, for building muscles (illegal??), and is even considered as an off-label treatment in IVF to potentially improve egg and embryo quality. This encouraged me to ask my doctor for a prescription. I needed to know the dosage, frequency, timing, and duration of injections. He didn’t give me a straight answer, repeating that there wasn’t a protocol and insufficient research for IVF use. He never actually said no, but the first time he told me I was on my own, I knew what he meant. I understood his position—he couldn’t risk his career prescribing something unofficial, though I was willing to take responsibility. Although some sources suggested HGH wasn’t beneficial for IVF, given my circumstances and the lack of identified major risks, I decided to take the chance and manage the HGH injections myself.

    In IVF, the most commonly used HGH is Omnitrope, but I couldn’t find it in VN. In fact, finding HGH there wasn’t easy at all. The only type available to me was Saizen, which I had read about being used in IVF treatments in Australia.

    I’d bought one box of 6 mg Saizen as a sample to show it to my doctor, hoping to convince him to prescribe HGH for me. However, 1.5 months later, when I tried to buy more, it was no longer available, and no one could tell me when it might be back on the market. This scarcity was completely unexpected. Though I called many big pharmacies, I still had no luck.

    The only place I hadn’t contacted was the National Children’s Hospital, so I decided to give it a try as a last resort. I had avoided hospital pharmacies before because they usually required doctors’ prescriptions, which I didn’t have. On my way to the hospital’s main gate, I noticed many pharmacies lining the street, so I thought, why not stop by one of them first?

    The pharmacy didn’t have the hormone I needed in stock, but after several calls, the owner said he could get a different one for me. The new one was Genotropin, but it shared the same main active ingredient. And I would have to wait until the next day as the drug was being brought in by air. This informal import method, known as “Hàng xách tay” (hand-carried goods), is quite common in Vietnam.

    HGH protocols vary widely in terms of dosage, total injection days, and timing. Some doctors recommend starting injections on the first day of stimulation and continuing until the egg retrieval day. Others suggest priming with HGH weeks before stimulation and continuing through the process until the booster shot. Some patients only use it for a few days during stimulation.

    Based on what I had read, I decided to take 1mg per day, starting from the first stimulation day until the booster shot. This seemed to be the most common protocol I came across. I aligned the timing with my stimulation injections, which made things easier. Using Saizen was simple and straightforward, the Genotropin pen was a nightmare to set up. The instructions were confusing, and the pen’s design was far more complicated compared to Saizen.

    I nervously tried to set the dose, worried I’d break the pen. If that happened, I’d be totally screwed. I just couldn’t figure it out, and as the time I was supposed to inject came and went, I got even more anxious. Finally, I gave up and ran to the nearest hospital to ask for help.

    At first, some of the staff I asked thought it would be simple, but they quickly realized the drug was quite special and unfamiliar to them. Since I didn’t have a prescription, most of them refused to assist me. Only one doctor stayed, saying she could tell by my expression that I was desperately seeking help. Together, we watched YouTube videos and followed the manual, trying to figure out how to set up the pen. She twisted and turned the pen’s knob vigorously while I was afraid she might break the pen. Finally it worked. I was super relieved at first but then felt so bummed when I realized I’d lost half the drug during setting it up.

    Deep down, I was still grateful that, thanks to her help, I was finally able to take the injection. Since the pen came with a larger dose—12 mg, the only option available—instead of the smaller dose I had originally intended to buy, I was fortunate to still have enough medication left, even after losing half of it.

    The ninth cycle could have been a huge disappointment for me, but in the end, it brought so many unexpected surprises.

    At the baseline ultrasound, everything looked good with two follicles on the left and two on the right. I started daily injections of Puregon 300 IU from 06/08/24, added IVF 75 IU from 06/12/24 and Orgalutran from 06/14/24. However, during the stimulation process, my follicles developed very slowly. Midway through, one follicle grew much larger than the others, which was not ideal, as I hoped for more evenly growing follicles. I continued with the stimulation, hoping the smaller follicles would catch up with the larger one, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. The largest follicle measured 19 mm while the second one was 10 mm. My doctor then recommended a dual stimulation cycle, where I would undergo egg retrieval to collect the large follicle and immediately continue stimulation to encourage the growth of the remaining follicles.

    At first, I was hesitant, worried that I might end up with nothing. Many people fail to get any embryos, even after retrieving a lot of eggs, so I wasn’t sure how things would go with just one follicle. It’s also common to retrieve fewer eggs than the baseline number. I was leaning toward the idea of ignoring the large follicle and letting the smaller ones continue to grow. However, both the doctor and a patient I spoke with suggested that the large follicle might actually be the best, as it could have the most nutrients. That reasoning made sense to me.

    I underwent egg retrieval after seven days of stimulation, preparing for none to be retrieved, but luckily I secured two eggs, and both fertilized successfully. Amazingly, according to the embryologist, the embryos’ quality had improved significantly. Both showed good cell division, normal morphology, and minimal fragmentation on day three, and one even had the potential to reach the blastocyst stage by day five. Also, this time around, I didn’t have the bad pain like I did after egg retrievals in the past. I think the anesthesiologist adjusted my meds after I told them how bad it was then, and it made a huge difference.

    This result might be devastated to many IVF patients, but for me, it was a milestone, marking a big improvement after so many attempts to just get one good egg and then a good embryo. Though the embryos weren’t graded as “good”, the embryologist said they were much better, which meant the whole world to me.

    I took a break of four or five days after the egg retrieval but continued injecting HGH before starting the second phase of stimulation. Unfortunately, the follow-up ultrasound showed that all the follicles were gone or as the doctor put it, “ruptured.” So, I never got the chance to experience the dual stimulation process.

    As for my two embryos, I didn’t want to risk waiting until day five because they were all I had, and I didn’t want to lose them. Usually, the number of embryos that develop on day five is much lower than than the number of embryos on day three. For patients with fewer embryos, doctors typically recommend freezing or transferring on day three. So, I decided to freeze my two embryos on day three.

    At first, I thought about a fresh transfer because my progesterone was fine. I once had a day-3 embryo in the US, but at that time, my body wasn’t ready for a fresh transfer because my progesterone was high. Unfortunately, that one didn’t make it past dat four.

    After thinking it over, I decided not to go for a fresh transfer. I wanted one more cycle to hopefully collect more embryos. Maybe the next cycle would be the one that maximized the benefits of the PRP and HGH injections. After a month of HGH priming and PRP injections, I was hoping for a better outcome. Given my age, my low ovarian reserve, and poor egg quality, I didn’t want to miss this “golden” opportunity to gather more embryos. If I did a fresh transfer, it could delay another egg retrieval, and with so many uncertainties along the way, it could end up wasting precious time. So, I made the decision to hold off on the fresh transfer.

    After nine cycles, I finally saw some improvements in the quality of my embryos. I finally got three day-3 embryos to freeze (I wasn’t too hopeful about the one from the 8th cycle due to its very poor quality), and freezing it on day three wasn’t really my choice—it was just what I had to do to avoid losing it). The ninth cycle was a milestone, showing some progress, which renewed my hope. Instead of freezing two embryos in one tube, I decided to freeze them separately. While this meant higher storage costs and would double the transfer costs, I didn’t want to risk losing everything at once in case both embryos didn’t work. By transferring one at a time, I could hold onto hope if the first one didn’t succeed. That was how I dealt with my emotional stress.

    In short, the ninth cycle was like a roller coaster. I started off “high” on PRP and HGH, hoping they would improve my results, then felt down as the follicles grew unevenly, and I faced the possibility of no eggs after retrieval. But then I was back up with two decent day-3 embryos and the hope of collecting more during the second stimulation phase. The ride leveled out when dual stimulation didn’t happen, but in the end, I was still happy with the results.

  • IVF Cycle 8

    When my seventh IVF cycle failed after all the efforts I’d put into improving my fertility health, I went through the darkest days of my life—days I will never forget. I was losing so much of myself, something I never expected. The toll this journey took on me was beyond anything I could have imagined. I felt pressed and crushed. You would never know the depth of it until you’re already caught in that spiral, and by then, it’s too late to back off without pain or exhaustion.

    I don’t think words can be enough to express how I felt, or maybe I’m just not capable of expressing it through words. All I can say is that I was living through the hardest days of my life. It was a lonely journey, one I accepted because it was my choice, whether voluntary or not. I had love and support—more than I ever expected—so there was no reason to moan about it. My focus was on doing my best to deserve the good things I had received along this challenging path.

    My eighth cycle began with a host of fertility issues: endometriosis, low egg ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, and poor sperm quality. It felt like every obstacle was in my way.

    I had been focusing on eating healthy, staying active, going to bed early, and minimizing stress, but the results still hadn’t improved. To prepare for this cycle, I added acupressure and reflexology twice a week, and my acupuncturist had me doing acupuncture every day except Sundays. I also researched a method called PRP (Platelet-Rich Plasma), which has been used recently in the US and other developed countries. It’s said to help rejuvenate ovaries, potentially improving the quality of eggs by up to 50%. There was a lot of debate about this method, with some people dismissing it as just a marketing gimmick, while others considered it a game-changer. On Reddit, many IVF patients who tried it shared positive results. However, it was completely new in Vietnam. The only information I could find here was a short YouTube clip from a scientific conference—it wasn’t educational, just an introductory video.

    When I brought up this method to my doctor, he was surprised I’d heard of this since at that time, PRP injections were still being researched and hadn’t yet received national medical approval there.

    I shared the documents and videos I had collected in English for his reference. He said he could go ahead with it, but I would have to take full responsibility for any consequences. That wasn’t a problem for me because I trusted him, and I knew this method was relatively safe since it uses the patient’s own blood.

    I was scheduled for PRP injections really quickly, on day 6 of my cycle. One of the things I really appreciate about treatments in Vietnam is how flexible the timing is. You don’t have to wait long to book an appointment, and this flexibility extends to almost every step of the medical process, saving a lot of time on administration, preparation, and procedures.

    On the day of the procedure, the doctor drew two tubes of my blood and injected around 4 ml of plasma into my ovaries while I was under anesthesia. Afterward, I felt fine, just experiencing some light cramps and more discharge than usual, which lasted a few days.

    For the procedure, my doctor administered two PRP injections, one in each ovary. Other doctors I’ve read about do multiple injections at different spots on the ovaries, and the amount of plasma used can vary. It really depends on the doctor and clinic, as PRP is not universally accepted or practiced the same way everywhere. A quick online search showed that PRP treatment was around $5,000 in the US, but I only paid 10 million VND (~$400) there.

    Besides PRP, Human Growth Hormone (HGH) injections are also believed to help improve egg quality and have been used in the US. However, it was something completely new in VN. When I mentioned it to my doctor, he was surprised. I told him I wanted to give it a try, but he was hesitant because there wasn’t an established protocol for it yet.

    During my treatment in VN, my conditions worsened, and with doctors juggling so many patients, I realized I needed to take a more proactive approach in finding ways to improve my fertility. I couldn’t expect a doctor to go beyond researching my case or take the initiative to explore new protocols or treatments that might work better for me. I used to feel upset and disappointed, wishing my doctor would do more, but over time, I understood that maybe I was expecting too much. I came to appreciate my doctor for listening to and respecting my thoughts, as well as for his support and attention. These meant a lot to me because it’s stressful for any patient to work with a doctor who assumes they know nothing.

    28 days after the PRP injections on 04/18/24, I started my eighth IVF cycle on 05/16/24. I had daily injections of Pergoveris300 IU for 8 days, added Orgalutran in the mornings starting from 05/20/24, then injected a dual booster of Fertipeptil 0.1 mg and Ovitrellte 250 mg on 05/23/24. My follicles measured 17, 15 mm (L) and 17, 15 mm (R) on the booster day. I got 3 eggs retrieved and only one day-3 embryo, which was frozen the same day. The embryologist explained that the embryo would be unlikely to survive until day 5, and they don’t typically freeze embryos on day 4. The embryologist noted that the embryo’s development was abnormal during cell division, with the cells not dividing clearly, and the fragmentation percentage was over 50%, which was very high.

    Having just one frozen day-3 embryo didn’t mean my results had improved, but it did help my emotions. At least I didn’t end the cycle with nothing. There was still some hope, though minimal, because if there hadn’t been, there wouldn’t have been any reason to freeze it.

    Was I disappointed with the result? No. I had started to become familiar with repeated failures and unexpected occurrences. Gradually, I accepted that being a biological mother might not be for me. I was just trying to do what I could to avoid regret later on. After the eighth cycle, I started to realize the toll it had taken on my body. Since the seventh cycle, my body had ached severely after egg retrieval, even though I had few eggs retrieved. It felt like I was “paralyzed” the day after the procedure. My upper body felt stiff and tight, and whenever I moved, my muscles seemed to “retract,” making breathing incredibly painful. I had to sleep sitting up. In past cycles, I never experienced this kind of pain and never needed pain relievers after retrieval. When the pain first hit, I didn’t even remember the pain relievers I had been prescribed. This time, I took pain relievers, but they only helped a little.

    The pain was a wake-up call, making me think about putting an end to this journey. I started to worry about the long-term consequences of the continuous IVF cycles. I started to accept that I had done enough. It was time to stop, take care of myself, and consider a different path.

    However, since PRP injections are believed to be effective for up to three months and I still had nearly two months left, I didn’t want to miss the chance. So, I decided to continue the ninth cycle, this time trying HGH.

  • Failed IVF Cycle 7

    My seventh IVF cycle in Vietnam was by far the hardest and most challenging. It felt like a nightmare, with hormonal imbalances and a chocolate cyst. Those were the darkest days of my 40 years, as I began to face the painful reality that I might never become a mother. I’ll never forget that cold, rainy day in March. I visited several hospitals, consulting both conventional and traditional doctors, desperately searching for even the smallest glimmer of hope.

    After my failed sixth IVF cycle, I focused entirely on improving my health and took a break to spend time with my family and friends. During that time, I learned Zumba, practiced yoga every other day, and went for long walks, like an hour each day.

    I ate healthy, and took a variety of supplements—about 25 pills a day. The herbal medicine was recommended by my Vietnamese traditional doctor, while my American IVF doctor suggested DHEA, TruNiagen, NeoQ10, omega-3, and prenatal vitamins. I also added two herbal liquid medicinal packets daily.

    I also kept taking extra vitamin D, which I started a few years ago due to chronic deficiency. My body was pretty picky about vitamin D supplements—capsules and tablets never worked for me. It wasn’t until I tried Bio-D Mulsion Forte, recommended by my acupuncturist, that my deficiency was corrected in just 11 days. Since then, I’ve been taking 2000 IU of this vitamin D daily. However, in VN, none of the pharmacies I checked had vitamin D for adults, so I had to go with a liquid supplement for children.

    I committed to maintaining a healthy lifestyle every single day because changing myself was the one thing I could control—and something I owed to myself and to all the love, support, and care I’d received. It was also my way of appreciating the favorable conditions I had for my IVF treatment in VN, where the costs and convenience were far better than in the US.

    I know I’m luckier than many other women in the same situation. Some can’t afford multiple IVF rounds while others are juggling demanding jobs and family responsibilities. Many face emotional pressure from their partners, in-laws, and even society, especially in Vietnamese culture. Some struggle with health issues that make treatment too risky and others face infertility that is incurable. Knowing all this, I couldn’t let the difficulties or challenges of this journey defeat me. If I missed this chance, I might never have it again. I was nearing 40, and my fertility clock was ticking.

    After three months, I was excited to finally see the doctors again. I first visited the hospital where my husband’s better sperm was stored. Unfortunately, the ultrasound and blood tests were a shock. My E2 had increased, and the ultrasound showed one large follicle and only two or three others in total. I used to have over 20 follicles, then less than 10, but now, with so few follicles, it felt like I was running out of eggs.

    Despite all my efforts, things just kept getting worse. The doctor was very blunt, telling me it was time to stop. She even said that if she were in my shoes, she would have stopped much earlier because what I had been doing wasn’t leading anywhere. Her words were harsh, but I understood. She didn’t want me to get stuck in a spiral of false hope, sinking deeper and deeper. She urged me to be more realistic and recommended using donor eggs.

    I had thought about it, but at that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to consider that option. The idea of using donor eggs felt like I would be creating a child with a predetermined fate of not knowing their real mother or her family. It might sound silly, but I feared that my child might never feel like part of my extended family, and that my parents and sister might also feel like they couldn’t fully connect with her/him as grandparents and an aunt.

    I worried that the more I loved the child, the deeper our connection grew, the more we would both feel an emptiness that could never be filled—the truth that I could never be a real mother and that the child could never truly be mine. She would be mine, but at the same time, she wouldn’t. What a contradiction! That emptiness might never go away, and the child’s presence might remind me of the pain of my infertility—a pain I was so desperate to bury.

    Not wanting to accept the hard truth, I went to another hospital – in VN, you can go directly to the hospital for an appointment without booking in advance. The female doctor looked at my medical records, and while she knew my case would be difficult, she sounded more positive, saying they had treated other patients with similar struggles, and some had been successful. The doctor emphasized the journey would require two things: time and money. I felt a bit less hopeless, at least she wasn’t blunt telling me that continuing treatment wouldn’t help. It was probably also because it was my first visit with her, so she didn’t want to be too harsh.

    The next day, I had an appointment with my IVF doctor. Once again, he recommended using donor eggs. But I wasn’t ready to give up, especially after three months of intensive effort to improve my fertility and overall health. My Oriental medicine doctor, who’s well-known in the IVF field, had even told me that my fertility health had improved by 70%. He mentioned that my eggs were getting more nutrition and that I was ready to start a new IVF cycle. My positive feelings about my health and his encouraging words however were in stark contrast to my blood test results and ultrasound scan. What a huge disappointment. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was just bad luck that time, and perhaps the next cycle would be different. With my large follicle, and not wanting to take birth control pills, my IVF doctor suggested I wait until my next period to see if it disappeared on its own. If not, he would need to shrink it.

    Unfortunately, my large follicle was still there on the follow-up ultrasound. My doctor once again recommended birth control pills, which was frustrating since he didn’t remember our previous discussion. (Later, I realized I should have been more understanding, as he likely had many patients, possibly seeing around a hundred in just a 3-hour session.) Thankfully, his forgetfulness didn’t throw off my plan, as I was scheduled to have the large follicle treated just two days later.

    During the procedure, however, he accidentally inflated a chocolate cyst. Neither of us had expected that, since chocolate cysts are usually avoided unless absolutely necessary, like when they grow too large. I was disappointed, but I understood that it can be hard to distinguish a regular cyst from a chocolate cyst when they’re small. (Though I’m not sure if that reasoning makes sense!)

    The diagnosis of a chocolate cyst—endometriosis—was another shock for me, something I had never experienced before. It can quickly reduce egg count. On top of that, I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), with very few follicles in recent months. This made me lose hope that my egg count would improve. I didn’t want to wait around, hoping for an “adequate” number of eggs in the next cycle, as that might never happen. So, I told my IVF doctor I wanted to try a natural IVF or mini IVF protocol, which would involve no stimulation drugs or very low doses. He agreed to my suggestion.

    I started cycle seven, on 03/25/2024, four days after the large follicle inflation procedure with daily injections of 150 IU of Follitrope and two pills of Clostibegyt (50 mg each), which I had started earlier on 03/20/24. I added Orgalutran (0.25 mg) starting the morning of 03/28/24 and had booster shots (Fertipeptil 0.1 mg and Ovitrellte 250 mg in the evening on 03/30/24. I was on stims for 11 days.

    I ended up with just two eggs retrieved, neither of which fertilized. It was disappointing, but not entirely surprising, because I had prepared myself for this outcome. I just went through with it—I didn’t want any delays.

    Was it enough to make me give up? Not yet. I told myself I might be luckier next time, since the number of follicles and hormones fluctuate each month. Who knows? Maybe my three months of intensive efforts would pay off next time. My mind kept going back and forth, searching for any reason to keep going.

    —–

    Below are some thoughts I had while reflecting on my IVF journey, specifically about my wonderful time in VN. It’s not a whole story, just some random memories and feelings.

    My favorite day would start with a Zumba lesson, followed by a hearty bowl of Phở Bò (beef noodle soup) loaded with green onions and cilantro. After that, I’d treat myself to a cup of Cà phê Sữa nóng (hot condensed milk coffee) at AHA or Highlands Coffee and enjoy some quiet “me time.” I would this time to read, reply to emails, write, or plan out the rest of my day.

    After lunch with my family, I’d often go out to get my hair washed and enjoy a relaxing scalp massage. Then, I’d stop by a holistic health care center for acupressure. On my way home, I’d pick up some traditional snacks or fresh tropical fruit from street vendors.

    In the afternoon, I liked going to the park for a couple of laps around the lake. Occasionally, I’d opt for an evening walk in a nearby urban residential area. It felt safer than the park after dark and offered more activities to see and take part in.B

    Besides walking for exercise, I often chose to walk wherever I needed to go, as most places were conveniently within a 30-minute of my parents’ house. Stores, restaurants, supermarkets, parks, hospitals, gyms—everything was close by, including my relatives. One of my favorite things to do while staying in Vietnam was walking and taking in the lively sounds and rhythm of daily life.

    I enjoyed my walks as it gave me a chance to talk to myself. It was a moment to reflect on the past, process what was happening, think about what the future might hold. Walking became a way to vent my emotions and connect with my inner self, feeling my fear, weakness, and vulnerability to understand their root causes. Also, it was time when I felt deeply grateful for the love, support and care I had received. Despite everything, I felt blessed.

    Also, I ate a lot of good food. My mom is an amazing cook (so is my Dad, though he doesn’t cook everyday). She bought fresh groceries daily, prepared nutritious meals, got me juices, snacks and fruit that I liked. She even served me breakfast in my room – sticky rice, “bánh bao” (steamed ground pork buns), “bánh dày giò” (Vietnamese sausage mochi sandwich), or even “bún chả” (grilled pork with rice noodles dipped in sweet-sour fish sauce), often while I was still asleep. During the day, she would bring me fruit or snacks, and if I happened to mention a dish or fruit I liked, I’d have it the very next day, though I never expected her to. I felt so blessed. At an age when many people are caring for their parents, I still get to be her child, and also my sister’s little sibling as well.

    Every weekend, we’d go out for breakfast, and she always let me choose where to eat, never minding if it meant walking a long way. I also loved going to the market with her and enjoyed little treats she bought me, like “bánh rán” (deep-fried sticky rice ball filled sweet with mung bean paste).

    My mom didn’t just cook me delicious food; she also cleaned my room and gathered my laundry to wash whenever she came in.

    I’m so lucky to have my mom in my life. She’s a doer, not a talker—active, hardworking, disciplined, honest, and never one to procrastinate. She’s frugal yet generous, strong and caring, and always takes responsibility for everything she does.

    When I was about to start IVF in Vietnam, she handed me some money, saying it was mine. I was completely surprised until she explained that it was the leftover living expenses I had given her after graduating, many years ago. She had saved it all these years, putting it in the bank to earn interest, and now she wanted me to have it because she knew I needed it for IVF. It was one of the sweetest and most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received.

  • Failed IVF Cycle 6

    My IVF journey in Vietnam started with choosing a doctor, banking sperm, handling paperwork, and eventually undergoing Cycle 6. No matter how much you prepare, life has a way of throwing surprises at you, and this journey was no exception—it was filled with ongoing obstacles.

    Chosing IVF doctor

    The first doctor I met was a specialist I found online, known for his credibility and success with celebrity patients. However, during my first visit, I didn’t feel a connection with him, and that was important to me. I decided to see another doctor—an associate professor and a highly regarded expert in the field my sister recommended. I felt much more comfortable talking with him, and he took the time to review my medical records and give thoughtful feedback on the medications and protocols I had previously used.

    I need a doctor I can communicate with—someone who listens, makes time for their patients, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m rushing or taking up too much of their time. This doctor gave me the impression that he truly cared and left me feeling hopeful that he could help make my journey a success.

    His office was inside an IVF hospital, which I hadn’t realized at first. I met him in the evening, and it didn’t seem unusual since many doctors there work extra hours after their regular 9-to-5 shifts. Initially, I thought he worked for the hospital, but it turned out he owned the clinic and collaborated with the hospital. The setup had its drawbacks. Unlike at a hospital, where multiple doctors might be involved in your treatment, here you only have one primary doctor. While it’s possible to seek second opinions elsewhere, it’s harder to receive the same level of care as a direct patient. At a hospital, however, since all the doctors work within the same system, you will likely receive similar care from each one. Despite this, I had no plans to switch doctors because, as I mentioned, he’s one of the top IVF experts.

    Banking sperm

    In the second half of November, S was in Vietnam to go with me to the hospital and bank his sperm. As part of the process, he had several blood tests and a general health check. His samples were then analyzed to ensure they met the requirements for freezing and storage.

    Given my repeated failures in the past, I anticipated needing several IVF cycles, so we decided to store six tubes of sperm. Initially, we planned for just four, but on two occasions, they collected more than one tube, and since all were qualified for freezing, we chose to store them all.

    S received an FTA card for both his blood and sperm identification each time they were collected. The total cost for banking six tubes and four FTA cards was VND 17 million ($670)

    Although his specimens were qualified for freezing, they were honestly of the poorest quality compared to the previous ones. Still, they were all we had, and I knew I would be relying on them throughout the IVF journey.

    My doctor knew about my husband’s sperm quality, but he didn’t seem too concerned. In IVF, as long as men have sperm, doctors tend to focus more on the woman’s issues. I was told that women contribute to about 80% of the success rate in IVF.

    Paperwork legalization

    While we were doing the preliminary health checks and blood tests, we met with the administration department to make sure we didn’t miss any documents. This was really important to us because I didn’t want any delays due to a missing signature or paperwork that didn’t meet their requirements. Since my husband was still there, I wanted to ensure we had everything we needed.

    Since we got married in the US and my husband is non-Vietnamese, we had to notarize his passport and get our marriage license verified by a local American authority to confirm it was legitimate. After that, the legalization and translation were processed by a Vietnamese consulate. The whole process was time-consuming, especially at the consulate. We ended up paying around $300 just for the legalization and translation of our marriage certificate, along with four copies.

    I prepared the documents in 2020, as we had planned to do IVF in VN. However, right after that, the COVID pandemic hit and lasted for two years, putting everything on hold. Honestly, I felt a sense of relief as we prepared for the IVF journey in VN, as I didn’t have to worry about the documents anymore.

    In addition to those documents, we had to prepare authorization papers for sperm use and embryo transfer, which had to be notarized since S wouldn’t be there during the IVF process. The authorization forms were provided by the hospital, and each hospital has its own policy on this. The one where I received treatment only allowed the authorization to be used three times before a new one would be required. However, in practice, this can be flexible. Instead of getting a new one, you can write an application letter (using the hospital’s form) explaining the situation and confirming that you and your husband are still married, with the understanding that the hospital won’t face any legal issues.

    I was hopeful about doing IVF in Vietnam for several reasons. First, I had great support and care from my family there. Second, a change in environment and atmosphere would positively impact my mood. Additionally, there were many reputable hospitals and doctors to choose from, IVF support services were available and affordable, and treatments were quick and flexible. On a more spiritual note, as a Vietnamese, I felt I might have better luck in the country where I was born and raised. But above all, what mattered most to me was that I thought doctors in Vietnam would offer a more personalized treatment plan, rather than the one-size-fits-all approach I had experienced at my clinic in the US. At that clinic, you’d start with birth control pills no matter what, and while I understand the reasoning behind it, there was little flexibility or alternatives if you didn’t want to go that route again. I was confident that there were no issues with the quality or quantity of my eggs; I just needed a better protocol.

    Cycle 6

    On November 30, 2023, I had an appointment on day 2 of my period. The ultrasound showed I only had 6 eggs on the right and 2 on the left, a significantly reduced number. My AMH had dropped from 2.69 to 1.49 in just two months, which was a huge shock. I hadn’t expected such a rapid decline. But then I realized that for women undergoing IVF, egg count can decrease much faster compared to those who aren’t. Considering my age, the new circumstances, and the fact that I was getting treatment outside the US, time was more critical than ever. I really wanted to start my treatment as soon as possible to make the most of my time there.

    However, my FSH improved a bit to 12.25, down from 15.1, which was a positive sign. But, IVF doctors generally consider FSH levels as high once they are elevated, even if the current reading is normal at the time of treatment.

    I remember that my IVF doctor in the US mentioned my FSH was a bit high, but she wasn’t overly concerned about it. She focused much more on my AMH levels and follicle count during baseline ultrasounds. However, when I consulted with an IVF doctor in Vietnam, he said outright that I would never be successful with such a high FSH and recommended waiting at least three months. That was really discouraging. But when I raised the concern with my doctor in the US, she reassured me that she wasn’t too worried about that level. At the time, since I was undergoing treatment in the US, I chose to trust her judgment.

    Back to Cycle 6, I started stimulation on 11/30/2023, for eight days, beginning with Pergoveris 300 IU and adding Orgalutran on day 6, 12/05/2023. The process was simple and quick. The ultrasound showed good results, and my blood tests were normal. On Day 8, 12/07/2023, I had six follicles measured at 19, 17, 16, 15 and 14 mm before the trigger shot that night. Then, the retrieval day arrived, and the doctor retrieved four eggs. Three of them were degraded, and the last one was abnormal. My doctor said my eggs looked like those of a 48-year-old woman. I felt completely emotionless hearing that. Maybe it was because I already knew how tough this journey had been for me, though I hadn’t prepared for zero fertilization in this cycle. That comment only reminded me that the obstacles had become tougher, and I needed to try harder rather than give up.

    He recommended using donor eggs, but I declined. He suggested taking a break and starting treatment again after the Lunar New Year, which made sense. The festival was approaching, and people were already slowing down their activities to prepared for the New Year. Plus, normal routines wouldn’t fully resume until a month after the Lunar New Year, as everyone would still be caught up in the festive atmosphere with plenty of gatherings and celebrations.

    Above all, I truly felt I needed a break, something I hadn’t had in almost two years of continuous treatments. The challenges kept piling up, and the dark days of November 2023 really knocked me down. I was drained. Taking time off to focus on improving my health became essential, and I had a plan in mind for it.

    I forgot to mention one more thing. After the fertilization failed, I spoke with the embryologist, in charge of the fertilization. She was quite pessimistic about our chances of success, given the quality of both. She said that after thawing, none of the sperm were mobile. She told me that if our eggs and sperm didn’t improve, it would be difficult to expect a better outcome.

    I told my doctor that I wanted to use my husband’s sperm, which had been stored at a different hospital since 2020, for the next cycle. His sperm quality back then was much better than the one stored at the hospital where I was currently being treated. Unfortunately, the hospital didn’t accept his sperm from a different facility, and that really bothered me. Given what the embryologist had told me about the poor quality of both his sperm after thawing and my eggs, I started to wonder if I should change my doctor and do IVF at the hospital where my husband’s better sperm was being stored.

    I had done an IUI once at that hospital, and honestly, when S stored his sperm there, we hadn’t really thought through a solid plan. It was a public hospital, so it’s no surprise that it was always crowded, with hours of waiting just to have a few minutes with the doctors (there were no appointment bookings available). S didn’t have a positive experience there, mainly due to concerns about hygiene and clinical practices. His worry about hospitals in VN, in general, was that the overcrowding could lead to mistakes, infections, or cross-contamination. It wasn’t that the doctors weren’t good, but there were just too many patients, and the rules of practice weren’t as strict as they were in the US. When I did IUI there, a staff member actually mistook my medical records for someone else’s, and my doctor reviewed the ultrasound image with the wrong date. They didn’t realize the mistakes until I pointed them out. This experience only added to S’s concerns about doing IVF in VN.

    I’m not sure why I’m bringing this up, probably it helps explain why I had chosen a different hospital, instead of the one, where my husband’s better sperm was stored. Considering the failure of Cycle 6 due to the poor quality of both my eggs and my husband’s sperm, I didn’t know what the right move was for the next cycle. Should I switch doctors? Switch hospitals? I couldn’t make up my mind at the time, so I decided to sleep on it and focus on improving my health.

  • Failed IVF Cycle 5

    8/29/2023, started with a glimmer of hope.

    Since this was my last cycle in the US, I was very careful to order only the amount of medication I needed to avoid waste. Timing was tricky too. I had to plan ahead to avoid missing doses as my pharmacy didn’t deliver on Sundays. This meant a Monday morning dose could be late, especially with my early injections. Because I only ordered enough drugs, no extra, I didn’t account for possible delivery delays. One Monday, I ran out of Gonal F and freaked out. Fortunately my clinic loaned me a pen. The total cost for medication this cycle was over $6,000.

    My baseline scan showed 16 follicles on the left, 6 on the right. After 1.5 months on birth control pills, I began stimulation: Lupron 40 units on day 1, then 20 units with 225 units of Gonal-F twice daily from day 2 – very high doses. By day 15, 9/15/2023, the ultrasound showed only one at 18.5 mm on the left, and three at 22, 19.9 and 16.9 mm on the right. That was it.

    I triggered with Pregnyl 10,000 and had the retrieval on September 17th. They retrieved three eggs—one was abnormal, two fertilized. By day four, there were no embryos.

    Cycle five had failed. Five attempts, five heartbreaks. I was exhausted, but this failure didn’t surprise me as it had happened repeatedly.

    S didn’t want me to continue IVF. This journey had been more than enough for him and he wanted us to focus on something more realistic. But I had reasons, for myself, for him and for us (…) to keep going. I had already planned to continue in VN if this cycle failed. With top IVF hospitals, clinics and doctors in Hanoi, I was positive I would receive excellent care and with my family there, my overall health would greatly improve, which would lead to better results.

    I bought a one-way ticket to VN in late October, just before my expected period so I could see a doctor shortly after it started. While I was preparing for this next chapter, our relationship had been badly damaged. But I really didn’t have time to think it through; I just knew I had to act quickly since I was turning 40 soon.

  • Moving Day

    November 18th,

    Life is beautiful, but bitter at times. I need to accept that as part of the experience. What really matters is that I stick to my purposes and goals. These keep me moving forward, help me focus on what’s truly important, instead of pain. Life goes on no matter what, and my peace and joy are mine to protect.

    ….

    We woke up at six, made coffee and took showers. Since I didn’t have time to run a load of laundry, I just threw the wet towels and shower curtain into the dryer for 15 minutes – just enough to keep them from smelling bad or getting moldy. At seven, he got Sam to take half a sedative pill to help him stay calm in the car during the trip.

    I packed up the last few things in the bathroom, and threw blankets I had left out, thinking they might be useful for wrapping, into baskets along with a big tray. S kept worrying that the movers might not accept the baskets as they weren’t in boxes and he hadn’t included them on the item list. His concerns didn’t make sense to me and if that were true, the “moving rules” were overly strict. It’s normal for not everything to fit into a box, and listing every single miscellaneous item isn’t realistic. There should be some flexibility.

    I wasn’t home when the movers arrived around 9:30 as I had a doctor’s appointment. When I got back in the afternoon, S told me they’d asked for an additional $1,600, and he felt he was forced to say yes because everything had to stay on schedule. I didn’t ask for the details – I was in a bad mood that day.

    At 5:32 pm, the movers were still wrapping and loading our stuff.

    Waiting around with nothing to do wasn’t fun. They didn’t finish until around 8 p.m.

    After S signed the completion form, it was already too late for us to vacuum, wipe the floors, or pick up the trash. If we had done the move ourselves, we would’ve had much more control. We could’ve loaded most of our things the day before, vacuumed the same day, and left a few essentials to grab the next morning, followed by a quick final clean. That way, we’d have had plenty of time and could’ve enjoyed the drive. With the moving company, everything depended on their timeline. All we did was wait around until the evening. Since we couldn’t leave early, S had to call his boss and ask for an extra day off work, and drive overnight to our new place – no sleep at all.

    Because it was late, we just decided to skip cleaning the house and start driving instead. S would go back the following weekend to clean it, as our truck, 4-wheeler, lawn mower, and some of his tools were still there.

    The trip wasn’t fun because we had to take care of Sam. While Dozer sat quietly the whole time, Sam was a different story. Though we gave him another half of the pill, he still moaned, cried, and moved around in the car. We had to take turns holding him on our laps. Our clothes and the car were full of his hair.

    We arrived at the new house around 5 the next day, slept on a thin mattress on the floor that we had brought with us.

    The moving company called later and said there was an issue with the truck, so they would not deliver until 3 pm the next day. Since we didn’t have much to do, we spent the rest of the day exploring the city, and it was so beautiful.